Hamster & SPAM Poetry
James Paige

(C) 1997 James Paige

Poetry is the the essence of.. um.. that thing. You know. That thing everybody has... Hair! Yeah! Poetry is the essence of HAIR!

Hamster Lore

There was a time in the distant past, in days of hamster yore,
When hamsters ruled the earth and sky, and slept-in well past four.
The hamsters of Valhalla, the city in the sky,
Could spit pure bolts of lightning, and twitch their tails to fly.
Serveants of the hamsters, is what the humans were,
This position was the penalty, for lacking hamster fur.
All of the hamster myths, the humans still recall,
but humans always have felt shame, for being a hamster's thrall.
And so they claim Norwiegan gods were really all to blame,
So the hamsters get no credit, and that Thor guy gets the fame.


The tiny Hamster,
the furry gluton,
lifts a seed
like a leg of mutton.

Just how much grain
can I stuff in my face?
When my stomach is full,
I dont slow the pace.

I fill my cheeks
with corn and oat.
The more that I swallow,
the more that I bloat.

The Jolly Green Giant
couldnt eat such a meal.
At a king's banquet,
more food I would steal.

Now before my fat body
bursts out of it's peel,
Ill run off some pounds
in my steel Hamster wheel.

SPAM(and how to make it)

Dead trout
Pig snout
Wall grout
Dry ice
Live mice
Burnt rice
Human snot
Root rot
Pepper hot
Paper clips
Cow lips
Bacon drips
Black tar
Russian Czar
Mayo jar
Used gum
Shiftless bum
Oil drum
Lumpy toad
Lymph node
Kill of road
Mound of fleas
Limburger cheese
Hacking wheeze
Dense fog
Cedar log
Half a dog
Gristly ham
Dodge Ram
Its all in SPAM!


My friends the Pygmy Hamsters,
     Have whiskers on their nose!
They like to sing and dance,
     and recite little bits of prose!

My friends the Pygmy Hamsters,
     Have blood upon their fangs!
They hunt their favorite livestock,
     In great big violent gangs!

My friends the Pygmy Hamsters,
     can run straight up the wall!
They grip their toes to plaster,
     so that way they dont fall!

My friends the Pygmy Hamsters,
     know what is best for you!
So send them all your money,
     and theyll send you back some poo!

My friends the Pygmy Hamsters,
     play checkers through the night!
And when the game is over,
     the loser starts a fight!

My friends the Pygmy Hamsters,
     shape bovines out of mud!
They pretend to feed them oats,
and watch them chew their cud!

My friends the Pygmy Hamsters,
complained about this song!
They say it shows them badly,
but I think that they are wrong!