A Vlad-Theory should not be kept silent, and Vlad-Sightings should not be dismissed!
Where is Vlad Now?
Vlad the Impaler died in battle in 1476. We wondered what he had been doing with himself since then. This page is dedicated to Vlad's activities in modern times.

[Hamster Republic]

Vlad taken hostage
A Vlad for all Seasons
Vlad: the teacher
vlad vs. me, 2 starwars geeks, and a player
Vlad is someone in this very room...*stare* *gape*
Vlad is in a vacuum-sealed food container can thing
Vlad, the Poodle
The horrible-ly hard to logically understand Death of Vlad
Vlad is so mean! (So what else is new?)
Vlad meets the big bad wolf
Vlad and the Sword of Slaughter
Vlad, the Wall Mart shopper
Vlad, the interior decorator
Vlad goes fishing
Vlad and the zombies
Vlad the computer geek
Vlad's Grandchildren
Vlad, Convicted
Happy lil' tale all over again
[Vlad Dracul, Prince of Wallachia, Draconis]
I am Vlad!
strigoi + vampires (can't spell strigoi)
Dreams
Dude! Where's my Vlad?!?!
He's Ferahgo the Assasin!
Fried Dragon is right/Elvis and Squirrels 3
Mad, Mad, Leroy Vlad(c)
The Whereabouts of Me-*ehem* Vlad
Vlad the pirate creator
vlad & bat guano.
Vlad vs Vlad !!!
Vlad: Master Breakdancer!
Vlad in Small Town
Vlad the Impaling Stake
vlad works at seven eleven
Vlad and me
vlad the retailer
Vlad With A Jetpack
my boyfriend is Vlad
Vlad profiled
Vlad vs maniac chainsaw killer
Vlad and the Imperial Soldeir
hiding out in a pick up
Vlob, The Blob That Looks Like Vlad
Vlad and The Immortal Zeppilin.
Vlad The inventor.
Vlad and his Sword called Elvis
Vladiator!
Vlad Was Killed By One Of Goku's Ancestors
I think he is right........
Vlad The Fish
Hey, Im Impaled!
Vlad lives in the sewers!
Beware the Skinny-Ankled One from Canadia
He's here with me
Vlad The Butcher
Vlad, leader of the Impalees
Vlad on the sit-down-lawnmower
Vlad was my Grade 8 teacher!!
Vlad is a cow
Vlad the corporation
Vlad washes my car!!!
Don't get mad, get Vlad!
Vlad's my dentist!
Vlad is my father!!
Vlad is my Russian teacher! I'M SURE OF IT
Vlad works for McDonald
Vlad is DEAD!
Vlad on Yellow Jackets
vlads real identity!!
Vlad, Elvis, and Canada
Vlad the English major who likes being foiled by a digital watch!
Vlad sings "One of these days"!
Vlad is now a car wash guy
Vlad on Oprah
Vlad On a video game!
Vlad is just like you and me.
Vlad,Me,and a Bloodthirsty Chicken
Vlad the shapshifter
Vlad aka Bob Sagat
Vlad the hamster who has been foiled by my digital watch and, now, another time
This is the story of a man named Vlad
Vlad the Impaler...what really happened.
Vlad Conducted the Bolshevik Revolution!
Vlad, Vice president of the hampsters
Vlad in 100000000BC
Vlad: the conspiracy
vlad is the founder
Vlad is currently outta cash
Vlad is an eeeeevil corporate executive
Vlad: The Story of a Senior Citizen
Vlad met Berekley and realised he did not exist
Vlad is my Alter Ego
Vlad the 1337hax0r phr33k
Vlad writes Webster's Dictionary
Vlad's Revenge
Hungry Hamster
Vlad is the Easter Bunny
Vlad is a litter bug
Vlad is A Nice Guy
Vlad is my hamster
Vlad Is a Bus Driver
Vlad VS Godzilla!
Vlad drives a Chevy
Vlad has becoma a cartoon charater
Vlad The Politically Correct
I Saw Mommy Kissing Vlad the Impaler
Vlad the Battlebot!
I, Robovlad
Of Rice and Yen
Vlad: dbz villan
It should be Vlad the Impaler's Pro Skater, not Tony Hawk's!!!
Vlad Records
Vlad is in my house !!!!
Vlad is in my computer
Vlad in Time
Vlad: In Wal-Mart
Vlad at Pets'R'us!!!
Vlad the high energy power supply
Vlad the shishkabob chef
Vlad the Spitter!
G'day, mate...
Vlad, and Priceline.com
Vlad is under my bed
This is attrocious!
From Bad Tempered Impaler To Bad Tempered Gym Teacher
Vlad: Carpooling
Vlad and the college Professor
Vlad is an teacher in CBtis 89
Vlad vs. the Hippies
Vlad Against The Lemmings
Father Vlad, S.J.
Vlad the marshmellow man
Vlad is a Pokémon
Vlad on Monkey Island
Vlad: the Gundam Pilot!
Vlad and the hotdog sausage
Vlad: haunting Camp Morristown
Vlad Comes North
Vlad, the ice-cream man
Vlad: cow - Elvis - Clinton - ?
Vlad: AKA Britney
Vlad Steals My Socks
Vlad A.k.a MAPHOW
Vald the impaler
Vlad, Windsor the Mighty Goose, and friends
Vlad has written a book!
Vlad: Creator of Spam.
Vlad, The Chocolate Chip Muffin
Vlad in Silver Lake
Jumpin' Juniper!
Happy lil' tale
Vlad must surely be....
Vlad the Fishmonger in Peckham
Documentary-550801
Vlad in '96
Vlad is a Bum in a Dead Cow Suit!!
Vlad's dealing craps
Vlad and the wet rain
Vlad: Project Manson
Schizophrenia
Vlad ate my Hamster!?
Vlad the Koi!
Vlad & The Who
Vlad is in Chicago!
Vlad is in my CISCO Networking class
Vlad Tepes Dracula
Don't Buy the Lie
Vlad and the Doc
Vlad the Bomb Defuser
Vlad: entity of the 7th dimension
Vlad is Bobo, the Magic monkey-clown!
Vlad of the Marching Band
Vlad Is Now "Between Jobs"
How Y2K saved the world
Creator of Net: Evil
Vlad on Zeno
I Am Vlad
The Vlad and E! Merger
Vlad is a programmer.
Vlad and Chernobyl:The untold facts
Vlad the steam roller operator
Vlad : The Bob Dole
Vlad and Tifflach! A Romance for the Ages!
Vlad and Elvis!!!
Vlad: Master Baker!
The First and Last time that I ever saw Vlad
Vlad the dog
Vlad Lives In Minnesota
Vlad- the SAVAGE tan
Vlad's Pointless Adventures
Lord of the ties
Vlad, Fast Food Cook
Good evening, would you like cheese with that?
Well, Well
Vlad, The Monkey Dictator
Vlad: the maker of music
Creator Of The Sappy Purple Beast
Enough Of This Fiction!
He Likes Red Wine, But Preferes Blood
Vlad, the man, the myth, the Judas goat.
The Simplest Theory Yet
Vlad: The Genius Behind Cloning
Vlad: Running this Website
Vlad, Ex-KGB agent and CS Major
Vlad: High Cheese of the Postal Worker Cult.
Prisoner of Sector 7-G
Nostrovius'Theory on Vlad the Impaler
Vlad the Disgruntled Biology Student
Vlad in the IRS
Vlad Tepes (Dracula) and Modern Texas Folklore

Vlad Tepes (Dracula) and Modern Texas Folklore
Cheryl B. Montoya


C'mon, y'all -- wake up and smell the chili!!! Vlad Tepes was last heard from on December 26, 1476, at the age of 45; after excavating the alleged gravesite at Snagov Monastery near Bucharest, they found it to be empty, except for a few animal bones -- I'm surprised they didn't find a crushed Dr. Pepper can and a highway map of Texas, because they next thing anybody heard about Vlad Tepes was that he had become a Texan -- it is told that he was adopted by a family named Montoya and resides in Austin (capital of Texas); some say the revolution that occurred in Romania in December, l989, was orchestrated by Vlad Tepes all the way from Austin! Well, it's easy enough to believe that he did -- there are reports that Vlad Tepes appears with the autumn scenery around Lake Austin (in this part of the country, autumn does not come until late November, or on into December); these appearances seemingly take place around the anniversary of that revolution to remind everyone that Texas and Romania uphold one another spiritually.



Vlad in the IRS
Blue Lew aka Keith Lewis aka Lewis Blanchard aka, oh never mind!


Vlad Dracula is now a naturalized American Citizen. Yes, that's right, Vlad the Impaler is alive and well in the good ol' US of A, working for the IRS. I remember him saying something about enjoying the agonies of delinquent tax payers as they struggled on the tip of financial impalement.



Vlad the Disgruntled Biology Student
Shanta AKA Kestra


Vlad was a student in my biology class at Allen Co. in Iola, Kansas! I swear! I could recognize that smothering body odor anywhere...last week, he bashed the teacher over the head with a rather hefty metal microscope after his report over the various fish species in the Great Salt Lake was handed back with a zero. He tore from the room screaming, "It ain't that kind of party!" I haven't seen him since...



Nostrovius'Theory on Vlad the Impaler
Nostrovius


Vlad. We have all come to know and love him as that sweet guy who slaughtered peasants by the hundreds. But few know the truth of Vlad and his purpose. Vlad was a dedicated servitor to the Great Jabberwock and Magnis Vermis so of course he despised Gelflings and their cousins- the great caliphs of pain- The Wibbles. Vlad did not kill just any peasant- He killed only those who associated with the likes of his enemies! The gelfonic order of the goad gathered forth three assassins from A.B.B.A. to sodomize, castrate, decapitate, quarter, behead, slit, and hurt Vlad. Those assassins were- Francois Prelati- Italian heretic and diabolist, Quaestor Adversarique of Byron- son of the great Henry of Fairyland, and Mad Man Corbett- The Satanic warrior Nun who's uncanny likeness to Auhgrah was enough to make the great worm's eye blur and cause the ears of Chopfield to bleed. Vlad infeltrated a letter that warned him of these assassins. He decided to take after Elvis and fake his own death. The gelflings got word of his "death" and called off the assassins who later went on to form the death ska sensations- Jody and the Edgetones. Vlad spent several years after that meditating atop the pixy mountains. He joined the Order of Nikoli and became known to all as "Father Peppay." He left the order some time in the 1700's to assist Lord Craven in writing the original Chronicles of the Black Labyrinth. He then began smuggling cheap cuban cigars to Africa under the allias name of "Larry Poppins." Vlad ran for czar of Utah after the Liberation of Turkey in 1826. He lost to Peter Cetera, unfortunately. In the 1900s- Vlad became editor of The Cloven Hoof Magazine and became inter-gender wrestling champion of the world. In 1942- Vlad had his 23rd son but the child died at birth. He adopted a three year old child named Damien and put him in place of his son. His wife- Walter- did not know the differance. Unfortunately, Damien was to be the Antichrist. Vlad was forced to sell his son to Schab- Vampiric Queen of the Turkish Gypsies after seeing 666 engraved on the back of his head. In the 1960s Vlad discovered peace and become a hippie. But after being nicknamed- Rainbow Twig- He went on a rampage that lasted through the mid 70s. In 1984 he joined Twisted Sister but was thrown out because "He just didn't understand the music, man." In 1990- Vlad killed Agustas Gloop due to his hatred towards fat, german children who drink out of chocolate rivers. He is know the co-founder (along with Genghis Khan) of Smee and Laqueesha's Iced Tea Emporium. He has rejoined the Order of Nikoli and is hell-bent on destroying his arch-nemesis- Nick Mauck. Any intrested in joining the order of Nikoli contact Bob the Hamster who will in turn contact me. All Hail Vlad! Death to Gelflings. Don't wiz on the electric fence!

*The publisher assumes no liability for ebonic damages from unenlightened abuse of the above cosmic secrets. THE TRUTH WILL NOT BE HIDDEN! -Frater I*I.*



Prisoner of Sector 7-G
Captain Konnychonnywangbang


I believe that Vlad has been captured by people from the planet of Scethorius in Sector 7-G. Since then he has remained in a time capsule suspended in the air. Living within the time capsule has kept him from dying, but has also forced him to remain alone for the eternities. I know this is the truth, because I was a prisoner on Sector 7-G for seven thousand years. It was mortifying! They don't give you a phone call, and they also give you Leprosy or the Plague if you disbehave. Its a horrible sight to see! I was able to escape though.... I would have saved Vlad too but he insisted on staying. He said he liked living in complete silence in a glass tube. He then muttered something like "Ungrateful little snobs" so I just left him there to spend his life alone.



Vlad: High Cheese of the Postal Worker Cult.
Fried Dragon


You've all heard about supposedly "distressed" postal workers pulling out rather large-caliber weapons and blasting customers who bring in too many packages, haven't you?

Well, at the risk of my life, I'll tell you the TRUTH about the Postal Worker Cult. I don't dare tell where I live... they're EVERYWHERE!!!

In 1990, a lone figure, shrouded in a dark, hooded outfit, stepped off a boat, lugging a large suitcase. Nobody thought it was odd that he was coming thus, in the middle of July. They just assumed he was the UnaBomber and let him go his way.

A short time later, the Post-Master of Washington DC was discovered, seemingly having fallen to his death off a bridge. They assumed he'd slipped, and fallen over the railing. There were a few inconsistancies in this theory, like that the railing was 9 feet high, but nobody seemed to notice it. The position was opened to hiring, and Vlad showed up at the interviews. Dressed more appropriately (BLUE robe with deep hood), he startled the interviewer with his complete and utter inability to answer ANY of the required questions, which is of course why he was givn the job.

A short time later, I, an employee at a post office in Arlington, noticed how once a month several of our postal workers would leave early, and vanish for several days. I finally got sick of them leaving after an especially busy day of work, or was I stoned from licking too many stamps? Well, anyways, I decided to follow them. They left, and drove all day and all night, until they reached a remote post-office in Vladavir, Maine. Coincidence, or is it???

They through the pouring rain, and stated some password to a guard blocking the door. I failed to catch the word due to a clap of thunder which cleaved through the air at the same moment. They were let in, and the door closed behind them.

I walked around back, and by standing on top of a barrel was able to see inside a small window. There he was. Vlad. Standing before a huge crowd of postal workers!! I managed to catch the following excerpt:

"Fellow postals!! We come together today to plan our conquest!! No longer shall we be forced to walk through blinding snow, pouring rain, or blisteringly hot days to give someone ELSE their mail! From now on, we shall fight back, and take the fools by force!! Never again shall you deliver a letter in less than 8 days!! Lose every 3rd letter! If someone brings you more than 8 packages to mail via priority mail, shoot them! I have brought automatic weapons for you all, and after the meeting you may file past me on your way out, and I shall distribute your means of freedom to you. Fight back, fellow workers, and we will rule the country!! They'll have to deliver OUR mail, and if they don't agree, they shall face my wrath!!! Now, come to the front, and receive your guns!"

After seeing that, I left, and sent my notice ahead of me to the post-office. I no longer use the postal service, and instead contact everyone via e-mail, because I've seen even UPS and Fed-Ex employees with that flaming, revolutionary look in their eyes. I cannot trust them anymore, and neither should you. Forsake the postal service! Call your friends and tell them to never again use it! Do anything, but for god's sake, do NOT give them more than 8 packages to mail.

As I tell you this, my very life is in danger. All the postal-deserters are being hunted by Vlad's bounty-mailers. If he should find me, heaven help me. As soon as I finish writing this, I'm going to call the other postal-deserters, and start a militia. THE POSTAL WORKERS OF LIGHT!!! We'll save the world! We'll...AAGGHH!!

This letter was never finished. This letter was taken out of his stomach shortly after his body was found at the bottom of Lake Superior.



Vlad, Ex-KGB agent and CS Major
Anna


During the second world was he came to Poland and for a few years he lived near Auschwitz. After the war he was seen in several places in Poland and Russia. He worked for KGB (Russian Secret Service) so he was unpunished and he was able to hunt without any fear of being captured. Now he lives in one of Polish cities and he is studying computer science at one of the technical universities. He is a tall long haired man always wearing black. There is something dangerous in his eyes, a sort of cold darkness full of threat... He uses his own name among the people who know him. Funny, I always have been meeting him during metal parties, hardly ever he could be seen on the street.



Vlad: Running this Website
Fried Dragon


Oh my goodness!! Vlad has finally REALLY been discovered! Vlad is currently operating this website, keeping track of all the e-mail addresses of people who send him these silly stories, and stealing their credit card numbers. He has disguised himself as an innocent, hamster loving, SPAM-eating computer programmer, but he can't fool me!! No; he's really an evil, demonic, horrifyingly terrible, hamster loving, SPAM-eating computer programmer. (Say that 5 times fast!)

For any of you who can't believe what I've told you above is true, I present this story about my encounter with VladiSpammer the Third.

I sat down opposite his highness, King VladiSpammer the Third of Hamster-Land. Sipping slowly of his prune juice, he smacked his lips most unenticingly. It was unnerving enough that I almost dropped my coffee! "Well, my friend," he said, "it would appear that you have been accused of spying on Hamster-Land. I know you are innocent, but I feel like convicting you anyways."

"I sentence you to death, NOT for spying, but for eating quiche on the third day of the month, which was expressly forbidden in the Hamster-Land Constitution, article 5, chapter 3, paragraph 52. As your punishment, you will be dropped from the top of Mount Rodney."

"However, I'll tell you some valuable information so I can say you took precious secrets. My cousin, James VladiSpammer, has taken 1,000 of my best Hamster-Warriors to your country, and is preparing to conquer the USA!! He is pretending the hamsters are his pets, and to make them seem normal is writing computer games about them until the time is right. Perhaps you've heard of our captain, Bob the Hamster?"

"Soon our hamsters will have conquered the world, and I'll have all their cushcush for myself!!"

With that, they took me to Mount Rodney, and threw me off towards the raging waters of Hamster-River, below. Fortunately for me, they hadn't removed my backpack, in which was my extra-large, inflatable rubber duck! I inflated it, and landed upon it before I hit the water. From there, I floated downstream until I got home.

That's my story, and I know that James SPAM-man Paige, who runs this site, is truly the evil VladiSpammer's cousin! What, you still don't believe me? Wasn't my story enough to convince you that I'm not lying?

Site Maintainer's Note: Lies lies! None of this is true! Ill impale anyone who says otherwise!



Vlad: The Genius Behind Cloning
Fried Dragon


Vlad has been studying at the Poultry University, otherwise known as P-U, and has been taking all of the offered science courses. A short time after graduating from a class that, for some reason, had a hamster for a teacher, he started the company Vladionic Engineering.

He has been practicing various methods of cloning, hoping to make the perfect Vlad. Once he creates the perfect one, he'll begin to clone him until he has an entire army of Vlads to control the world with! He'll no longer need to use his cousin at the Hamster Republic to do his dirty work, he'll just tell one of his clones to do it!

Some day, he'll finally conquer the world, and confiscate all the cushcush that we worked hardly for...or is it hardly worked for? Ok, that we worked hard for!

We must rise up against the millions of Vlads that will be roaming the world!! We must kill them all! Call the farmers with their pitchforks, the athletes with their bats, the postal workers with their machine guns...wait...they work for Vlad, never mind! Well, call anyone who'll help!! We must save the world!!

At the last moment, this guy was arrested as an escaped lunatic from an asylum. Strangely enough, the officer who arrested him was a hamster...



The Simplest Theory Yet
James Masterson Lenz


Vlad is "Fried Dragon" and spends all his time posting theories about himself!


Vlad, the man, the myth, the Judas goat.
Sekhemet


Vlad the impaler, otherwise known as Muhammed Al Sequir De Kerestur was a guy I met at a quite strange and raging party out in the middle of nowhere (otherwise known as Bakersfield). We talked, he chatted and after a few slugs of vodka and tokaij later, I got him to loosen up and tell me the real dirt on what's been happening lately.
You'll never believe it, of course, but Vlad told me everything. Basically, the reason he's still alive is that he's been taking Ginseng root and various formulas of super blue-green algae and has finally managed to land a job at the local CIRCLE K. There he's been working hard and trying his best to straighten out his name and his terrible past. However, Vlad's been nailed for a lot of nasty things, mostly cloning and so forth. The truth is that it's really Vlad's evil brother Radu.
After another case of Tokaij, Vlad went on to tell me that he didn't even start any of that impaling business.....it was all Radu. Vlad says it's because Radu was the younger, shorter brother and couldn't stand being made fun of. He swore revenge!
After Elvis was sighted at Vlad's store (he apparently had been buying red rope licorice and had electrocuted himself because his saliva had managed to drip on an open wire...he went unnoticed for weeks, Vlad thought he was just a cleverly thought-up campaign against eating licorice) he tried to go public, but no one would believe him.... So that's the story of Vlad.



He Likes Red Wine, But Preferes Blood
Wilfried Van Rengen


Vlad works undercover at a Belgian university, pretending he's a latin professor. Since he's undercover, he looks quite ordinary. He's a small guy with a red face. He likes drinking red wine, but he preferes blood. He pretends being nice and friendly, but when he's examinating, when he's alone with a student in the room, he becomes very dangerous... You expect to hear a latin poem, but instead you get a horrifying laughter. That's the first time he shows his teeth. At the exam he bites innocent girl students. He takes as much blood as he needs to get high, but never too much, for he likes them to come back some other time. Though, the first time is the most satisfying, for he preferes virgins... when he's high, he jumps through the window with his motorcycle, wearing a dark coat (with fluo-palmtrees) and after a little flight above the campus, he comes back in the room, making some remarks on the taste of your blood.

After this exam you feel just a little sick...



Enough Of This Fiction!
paws4thot@earthlink.net


I am Vlad.
   I have lived for 568 years, of which only 45 would I consider LIFE! Oh, how I miss the smell of blood and putrefication in the morning...the dance of my unrepentent subjects on my Poles of Righteousness, their points honed to lethal perfection...but not too soon...not too soon.
   It was the ACT of repentence that I sought. The sight of these unworthy subjects, dancing out their FINAL ballet...with such novel gyrations, trying vainly to escape the inevitable. And when the Dance of the Damned was silhouetted against a Harvest Moon, with, perhaps, a spring breeze caressing my nostrils with the product of their agonies...ahhhhh, those MOMENTS are frozen in my memory, oh so many centuries, I've stopped counting.
   This dismal eternity I'm now living provides me with only the most banal entertainment. Because I must hide my identitiy from all but my Family, I live a life of constantly changing identities...and wives...as my lack of ageing becomes noticeable.    And so it goes, ad infinitum. I LONG for an end to this existence, but no worthy opponent so far, who has tested my vulnerabilities, and my WRATH, has, alas, succeeded.
   I must content myself now by rubbing shoulders with those individuals who have qualities equal to mine...those who never allow their destinies to be corrupted by the most sniveling of human traits...an act of conscience.
   What small joy I've achieved comes from the influence I've contributed to great men of your time. Adolph Hitler, Idi Amin, Pol Pot, the Reverend Jim Jones, John Gacy, Jeffery Dahlmer, and most recently, Kenneth Starr.
   But now I must face a new opponent, an author of horror fiction (or so he says), named Dan Simmons. By Satan, the man is ON to me! It's true, I saw likenesses of this man in Transylvania, in Calcutta, and once in the tropics...but I never dreamed my anonymity was threatened until, one day, a package arrived in the mail.
   It was a book. It's title was "Children of the Night"; the author, this Dan Simmons, his penmanship purportedly a work of fiction...but the DETAILS of my recent life... this man KNOWS!
   This is an open warning to this mortal who dares to tempt fate...and to those who read this INSIDIOUS invasion into my privacy. My WRATH will prevail!
Vlad Tepes of Dracul
Honolulu, Hawaii



Creator Of The Sappy Purple Beast
Dan Weyandt


He kept himself very low until the Communists took over Romania after WWII. He emigrated under an assumed name to the United States. Having difficulties holding a job (the Mafia didn't care for his style of hit too much), he ended up in LA.

After several odd jobs, he tried his hand at making funny voices. For some odd reason, one of his funny voices caught on with children. In addition, he thought it incredibly ironic to sing a song about love to the kids. To the tune of "This old man," it went "I love you, you love me...."

Keying in on his new rapport with kids, he saw an opportunity to further ingraciate himself by exploiting kids facination with dinosaurs....

Yes friends, Vlad Tepis is the heart, soul, and creator of Barney the Dinosaur! Now you know why you don't trust the sappy purple beast.



Vlad: the maker of music
Lenny


I've heard his music, I have. Don't be frightened, it's not all that bad. A cross between Toccatta and Fugue in D Minor by Bach and a Marilyn Manson song. Sort of. Just open your windows at night and he'll be there with his tunes from the grave. Of course, in order to seduce people to bite he just plays them a bit of Elvis or Brittney Spears and they'll soon be anaesthetised.
I must thank my friend Rachel who is a researcher on Vlad the Impaler, and who forced me to read "Dracula". It took me 568 years.


Vlad, The Monkey Dictator
Anonymous


Vlad, along with a small throng of loyal, unquestioning servants, has taken refuge on a small island. How do I know? I just do. He heads a group of Slovakian terrorists hell bent on domination of a covetted daytime- TV slot, currently held by the soap opera incursions. One day, they will have their TV slot, and when that day comes, we all shall rue the time when we doubted the abilities of this organization. Oh yeah, he has colobus monkeys for pets. Chimpanzees are just a little to smart, always thinking, you know what I mean...


Well, Well
Anonymous


I saw him in my backyard yesterday killing one of my younger hamsters. I was _his_ brother you know... I met him the other day and he said he was gonna impale on of my hamsters and put the pole in my backyard. I was like "posh, younger brother, such nonsense you speak of". He then said "Uh-huh! I will do it! You just watch!" So then, on tommorow, he killed a piece of cheese with my stank on it. "Play again?" said pen-pen the monkey as he hit the ferocious baraccas on my home. Thank you for playing, game over... THE eND!!!


Good evening, would you like cheese with that?
Jeff Campos


After much disputing with myself, I have come up with a new theory as to the current status of our friend Vlad. I still retain my theory of him as the Monkey Dictator, (I guess I'm not anonymous anymore) but I have also derived a theory of bigger, more epic proportions, Vlad has taken to the pasttime of cheese maker and ager. Oh yes, he has a new hobby. He enjoys cultivating cheese and cheese products. Stinky cheese, round cheese, hard cheese, soft cheese! The man does it all! Once again, his throng of loyal, never waivering servants, hand maidens, and various others in his daytime TV viewing slot have hopped on the bandwagon. A cheese, a lucrative and profitable engagement.
Well, until I derive a new theory from a well of madness deep within that I have yet to tap fully, Good Evening.

p.s.
Do try the wine...


Vlad, Fast Food Cook
Anonymous


I've seen that same face at a fast food restaurant. It could only be him. No one else can impale a burger with a french fry. He has a penchant for undercooking the meat, and saving the drippings. Someone made the mistake of asking him why. That person now decorates the cash registers. I decided it was better to leave at that point. I'm not sure, but the awful crime of impaling burgers didn't agree with me.


Lord of the ties
Pruzer (my friends will know)


Eventually Vald got tired of trusting his primary instinct to kill everything, and anything in sight so he decided to settle down and become the life of every dinner party possible... But mom! I don't wanna do the dishes... next day at 12:00??? crud! my watch is broken!!! Now where was I, oh yes. Some dude of the other side of the galexy was trying to recalibrate his SUB-ETHA radio when he pressed the wrong button at the right time (which was actually an infinitly bad time) and opened up a hyper portal that just happened to open up exactly where Vald's waitress was standing. Since Vald had been veary attraced to the waitress ever since she had started serving him (which was aproxamately 2 seconds before the whole incident occured) he jumped into the quickly closing portal in a foolish attempt to rescue the dazzelingly georgous waitress, and look really cool in front of the dinner party in hopes of being invited to the next. Vald's heroic stuff was in vain because he landed on the bridge of the SS Enterprize which was nowhere near the really hot waitress that he dove in after. (what Vald didn't know is that hyper portals are really unpredictable) Dr. Crusher just hapened to be walking his way and screamed "RAT!!!" as soon as she saw him. Captain Kirk jumped up and yelled "Damn! I thought we killed those off a thousand years ago", then he proceded to pull out his phazer rifle and blow Vald into a large floating group of micron particles.
Later Vald was reasembled in the micron particle reasembler after Data "the human relation android" corrected the captain, and reasured him that hampsters do not carry the plague, and the most likely reason that he appeared on the bridge was that some one was screwing with a SUB-ETHA radio. Vald was never the same though for two reasons

1. Being blown into micron particles with a phaser rifle and then being reasembled left him tramatized.

2. Not all of Vald had become Vald again, Dr. Crusher had accidentally inhaled a small fraction of Valds cerebral cortex and it had already entered her blood stream before they could extract it from her lungs.

The tramatization and partial loss of Vald's brain reverted him back into the maniacidal killing machiene that he origionally was. Before he could kill any of the full time charectors, the director decided he could play the part of a klingon dog, (the only reason he fit into this part was that no one knows what a klingon dog looks like) this worked out for a while, but because the show was behind schedule, they were forced to broadcast the episode live or show reruns. (like we dont see enough of those) The director decided to show it live, but half way through Vald's sence of controll kicked the bucket he lunged for the throats of the three klingon dudes that had been forced to play the whole klingon race because of cutbacks. The shows ratings droped sevearly because not many sci-fi freaks like me can stomach an actor getting slaughtered by a klingon dog, (or should I say hampster) not to mention three. Vald got kicked out of the studio and was last seen trying unsucsessfully to sucker people out of their money by playing the ball in the cup game without a ball :)

Send your comments to Pruzer@hotmail.com, but dont call me a miticulous swine cause it only took me a couple of seconds to write this epic novel. Also please do not comment on the spelling of names and stuff like that cuz mabey thes guys r frum an alliigned galexy thet causes werds and stufff like thet tooo loook ddiiffeerreenntt.


Vlad's Pointless Adventures
Scribbit


After dying in 1476, Vlad focused most of his time working on mind-control devices that can control cats on the verge of death, the only reason his plan for world domination was foiled is that after gaining control of these cats, the cats were either run over or shot and eaten by a 3 foot tall hooker named 'Thelma'. After that, he was taken in by a fiendish evil scientist and turned into a roll of toilet paper with 6 arms, only to be used by the scientist to wipe up... stuff and thrown away.


Vlad- the SAVAGE tan
Anonymous


Where is Vlad today? I can tell you that. Actually, he's in two places. His body is somewhere in or around Wallachia (now Romania), and his head is probably buried somewhere around Istanbul.

How, you ask, could his head have possibly travelled such a great distance without the aid of his body? I mean, obviously, no one would even try to travel that far with only their teeth to pull them along (unless, of course, they are promised a spot on 'Oprah' afterwards), so we can safely assume ol' Vlad and his head parted ways under some deal of stress, such as an Ottoman sword stroke to the neck.

For you see, for all his infinite charm and benevolence, Vlad had made a few enemies along the way: the Muslims (duh), the entire citezenry of Wallachia, most every onther person on Earth, etc. And so, when he finally kicked the bucket, some Islamic warrior apparently suffered from a sudden outbreak cliche-ism and decided to- get ready for a REALLY original concept here- present Vlad's head to his emporer in Istanbul.

Haven't you ever wondered why, in such movies as Braveheart, someone always seems to feel the need to present a rival with the head of a dear freind/family member? Usually in a bucket too. Probably would get pretty messy, I suppose. Me, I would just send a note, probably along these lines:


Dear King William
Long time no see, Willie. I ran into your dear nephew, what's-his-name, the other day. Actually it was my sword, but small difference, right? I explained patiently that it was an accident, but he just kept flopping around on the floor, making gurgling noises and giving somebody a great reason to mop. Anyways, he finally stopped, and I've decided to send you something to remeber him by while I prepare for his funeral, which I call "funeral a la vulture". Enclosed is a lock of his hair, which was pretty much the only part of him I could send without staining my stationery. You wouldn't BELIEVE what this stuff costs up here in Edinburgh.

Ciao,
William Wallace


But no, the creativity challenged Muslim just decided to take Vlad's ENTIRE HEAD. I mean, how rude, not leaving anything behind for other Ottoman thugs looking for quick promotion. Hair: the gift that keeps on giving.

Anyways, I always wondered what the emporer did with the head after he'd grown tired of looking at it. Perhaps he had it buried... although this seems unlikely. Probably, he tossed it out the nearest window right when he first saw it. I mean, you can just IMAGINE the screaming if his harem girls had seen it...

And so Vlad's head, untouched by vultures due to his proximity to a heavily guarded placial compound, was left to tan in the hot sun. Well, I assume he tanned. He might have just gotten a sunburn right off. I mean, he wasn't exactly wearing SPF 40 or anything. Would a dead man tan/burn at all? I'm really not sure, so we'll assume that Vlad achieved a bronze tan worthy of baywatch. Thus Vlad pioneered the tanned look, 450 years ahead of its time! Vlad the fashion plate! Of course, before anyone could catch on to this bold new fashion frontier, Vlad's skin was consumed by bacteria. Bacteria are scum.


Vlad Lives In Minnesota
Dracoaica


Well people it is true, Vlad is well and living inside my husband, a sorts of channeling you may say, but stronger. It will be 10 years in Nov.99. You may think that we are crazy, but no we are not, but the world thinks we should be if we like Vlad so much, and also allow Vlad to use another human being to get around in while his stay on the Earth plane. He is diamenionally impaired. As far as the otherside and what Vlad had been doing, well he did not do much there. He has no time, so there is no doing either. You can just do nothing. We 3 made our plans to be with Vlad before we were born. So now he is here spending it in a middle class setting, but with real people who love and honor him to the max. There isn't anyone else in the whole world who has the real Vlad right here with them. No one is loyal enough to have Vlad as their closest friend. This is all for now.



Vlad the dog
Tree Pyro


This may sound crazy but i don't blame you for thinking that it sounds crazy to me too i mean how could a little 14 pound dog lift a ... well here goes one day my dog started saying I HAVE RETURNED! later he went out and bought big wooden dowels (poles) the next day i found them lined up in my yard with people impaled on them, not dead people mind you they were very much alive and they woke me up with their shouts of agony. Their not the only people with problems you know huh? what about the horses? they're the one who are really put in burgers the truth is that the cows are super intelegent and when they "get killed" the really get transported to an under sea lab were they get plastic surgery to make them look human and some stay behind and rig the electons so that the cows win and cancreate new laws involving lawn chairs and cockroaches.



BURN THE COWS BEFORE THEY BURN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The First and Last time that I ever saw Vlad
Flare128


The only time I remember seeing Vlad was in the eary Middle Ages, just before the Black Plauge set in. (hey, I'm not saying that Vlad had anything to do with it, but, hey...) I was just strideing down the street, looking for a good place to pick up some spam, when an odor hit my nose. "Strange, smells of cheep alcohol and body stench" I thought to myself. "That could only be one thing," I hear a voice behind me say. Before I could turn around, I was rushed by a throng of bloodthristy savages. Suddenly a blur of brown shot past me, and all i saw was a spear peircing through all of my enemyies in one fell swoop. All the evil knights fell to the ground in a heap. Then Vlad appeared, standing atop the pile of bodies, looking for loose change. And as fast as he had appeared, he vanished, leaving only a shiling. That was the first and last time that I ever saw Vlad.


Vlad: Master Baker!
Pastry Warrior Donut


Vlad has been helping me make the ultimate Doughnut, with which we shall ruling the worldeth eth eth! Err.... Yeah. It's gonna be so sweet & tasty, and every one you buy comes complete with genuine Vlad the Implaer Spike! (His idea) Let us into your life, and bow down to the allmightiness that is Vlad and Donut, Pastry Warriors!


Vlad and Elvis!!!
Kelli


I saw Vlad he was in a car at a Conoco across from "Riply's Believe it or Not". Elvis was pumping gas into the car. I pulled up to the tank across from theirs and I was interested in what I was seeing. Soon Vlad jumped out of the car ( which look alot like Jame's Deans Spider) and started Stabbing wooden poles into tires and people! I thought this wasn't too cool so I jumped into my car and drove off to my destination. Freaky stuff man!!!


Vlad and Tifflach! A Romance for the Ages!
Minix


I saw Vlad! I did! But what was the strangest thing about it, was that he was with his bride! He reffered to her as Tifflach. She looked almost like a munchkin...her skin was green, and she had a goofy grin on her face. They were at a Texaco, buying an orange slushy. I must admit, I was quite surprised to see such a famous person marrying such an ugly creature. However, not to say anything bad about Vlad...but he's looking kind of old. I would put him in the range of 600-620 years old! I seriously doubt I've seen anyone with as many wrinkles as he had. Oh wait...I'm very sorry everyone...that's my grandparents.


Vlad : The Bob Dole
Dr. Unexpected


Yes through the facts provided by many years of scientific Research, I have uncovered that Bob Dole is Really infact Vlad the Impailer
in a Crusty old man Disguise! complete with his Ink Pen of great power
Vlad er I mean Bob hopes to rule to cosmos!
this scientific find cancels out the popular myth that Dave Thomas of
the popular fast food chain Wendy's is Vald the Impailer...we found this out after finding out that Dave thomas is really the energizer bunny! but that theory is for another time
Gobble gargle plop,
The Good Doctor


Vlad the steam roller operator
Mr.Ostbruck



During the economicly troubled times in Romania (the '60's), Vlad discovered that the government controled impaling services (GCIS)he provided was not bringing in enough money. He moved to East Germany, and secured a job as a steam roller operator near Weimar. His boss, a German hitman, Helmut Kranke, offered him some "extra work" flattening a renegade group of nuns who where crusading for the local underwear fund, which Mr.Kranke had bet five billion marks would belly up. on April 12, 1967 A local policeman saw what appeared to be a 13th century man laughing insanely as he caught the nuns getting out of thier Yugo staff car, some tried to flee,but Vlad had apperently souped-up his steam roller with a Nitro engine and quickly smished the sisters thinner than a penny. He then went after the shocked others as they tried to hit him with a lead bible, but to no avail, the underwear peril was soon over.After this hit, vlad was paid in captured Bulgarian Rubels, this did notsit well with vlad, so Vlad ate Mr.Kranke,reinforceing a belief that he was a menicing cannibal.After the re-unification of Germany, vlad quit the steam roller busness and joined the Dutch Orginasation For Drunken Drug Addicted Monks.


Vlad and Chernobyl:The untold facts
Mr.Ostbruck


Apperently, Vlad was addicted to cigars, when the powerplant opened, he was hired under "PLAN BOOTSTRAP",a unsuccesfull ploy to to use slave labor from the local PLO unit in Sevostipol. When he was hired, he had no skill or any idea waht was happening. He was given a position as Isotope Rod Master Nr.456287. during the infamous day, he was playing baseabll with one rod from the reactor core, with his freind Olga Ulfhimgolof, the centerfielder. After they were done, Vlad was lening over to through the rod back, when his stogie fell in to the reactor: You know the rest. Though The Ukrane will suffer for mileniums from the radiation, Vlad escaped with a minor case of Impotency.( so says his former wife, Jaga Jojo, a good friend of mine here in Brandenburg.)


Vlad is a programmer.
Evil Engineer


Vlad... I remember him from my computers course! He was a very disgruntled psychopathic delusional schizophrenic xenophobic sociopathic psychotic megalomaniacally evil computer geek. He liked making viruses. Vlad made a virus, and, being the fiend he is, called it Mr. Tee! Mr. Tee screwed up our computers something fierce. First my computer started swearing at me in binary code. Then it got a bit off-colored. Then drank all our vodka, crashed on the couch, swore at anyone nearby, and refused to go to work. I'm still trying to kill Mr. Tee.


The Vlad and E! Merger
Joey the Goat Queen


The first time I saw Vlad I was an intern at E!. He was deciding which shoes went with which dress. Personally, I thought that all the shoes and all the dresses were ugly as sin, and told him so. He gave me a nasty look before having the designers (who were all tied to their tables by chains) redo them all. He sighed. "I should never have let my nephew--my wife's nephew, actually--hire the designers. It looks like he raided a homeless shelter."

I shrugged. "Give him a different job then, sir."

"Not a bad idea, girlie. What do you think might be the easiest jobs for him?"

"Maybe a model, if he's got the looks and the patience. An actor? No, that would be to complicated. Maybe a rock star. Or a radio countdown jockey." I suggested.

"I can give both my wife's nephews jobs then!" Vlad exclaimed. "Neither as models. Carson--his parents named him Carson, for God's sake--wouldn't do as a rock star, though. Maybe a pop star, but she'd kill me." Vlad rubbed his pale chin with an even paler finger. "The other would do well as a rock star, though. If only I could find a way to do this without her trying to kill me..."

'Her' was obviously his wife. "Maybe, a shock rocker?" I said quietly.

"Ah-ha! Girlie, you're a genious!" Vlad jumped up and down excitedly, his cape waving by the movement.

And this is how the world was given Marilyn Manson, goth-wannabe, and Carson Daly, TRL host.


I Am Vlad
Vlad the Impaler, silly


Okay, here's the scoop. I am Vlad the Impaler. Bow to me you pathetic fools, or I will smite thee. For the first 300 years after my fake death I led the (yes it was feindish) donut mafia. Then I got bored so I went and started a burger business. "Ground Beef Monarch" I called it. Nothing there so I moved on to start my feinish plan to end the world. I INVENTED THE FURBY! With their mindless dribble spewing forth from their endlessly and appaulingly cute faces, I hope to control the world by turning all the youth of the world into complete zombies, allowing me to tell them to nag their parents until their parents go insane and then when I've done all that I will make all people eat only "Ground Beef Monarch" dinners!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA

Well until I turn you into either zombies or psychos, I must go. Farewell.


Vlad on Zeno
Picclo


Vlad has been living on a alternate planet in a alternate plane he now lives on the Zeno planet in Posiery plane. He lives with Elvis that was taken away from earth by the Zenor's. Do you want to know how Vlad got there well he was taken away by the Zenor's because he felt that he had been one of them in his past life. He had been Grand Poleaerty (which is a king) of Zeno. They took him back to Zeno for 568 years and know he is back with something that is horrible and is worse than Furbys he now has cloned them and has ............... FURBY BABIES!!!! AHHAHAHAHAhaHHHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHH RUN!!!!! HELP!!!!! HIDE!!!!!
He thought that the furby techquine was not strong enough so know we face the crisis of their offsprings!!!!!


Creator of Net: Evil
Pef2004


Now and then, when you are surfing, you may run into his work. You may not know it's his doing but you hate it anyways. He has been doing from day one of the creation of the net. He has done what others thought impossible. He has created Net: Evil. The front of his great, unholy project seems to surround AOL. Everyday a few surfers get cought into the web of his darkness. Signs of his creation are pop-up ad windows, bomb mail, chainmail, and those automatic midi programs that screw with the songs you are already playing. This site, thankfully, has the option of playing the music without it starting automatically. Beware of those meaningless sites that have links to so many web pages. A small touch of the wrong link could send you and your browser plumeting to his network's domain. I must include an additional warning to those that read this. Vlad is fully aware of you reading this and will bombard you with mail and false links to keep you all quiet. I am spared since i wrote this on my school's computer. Rise up and warn others and protest his workings on your sites and your friends. He can be stopped. DON'T ALLOW HIM TO TAKE YOUR GOD GIVEN SURFING RIGHTS. OUR CONSTITUTION GIVES US THE RIGHT TO STAY OUT OF CONTROL OF ANY FOREIGN PRINCE. THERE IS STILL TIME TO END HIS RULE.


How Y2K saved the world
Gill Bates


Although Vlad managed to impale a great many people in his life, he was never really content. Something always seemed to be... missing.
The problem, you see, was that no matter how many people he impaled, there were always more. A simple impalement-rate increase was suggested by his advisors, but was voted down as being too regressive with regard to lower-income impalees. Vlad continued to sink into despair, and eventually decided to fake his own death.

After doing so, he started waiting. He kept himself alive and young through these long centuries through a complex regimen of monkey hormones, St. John's Wort, and tofu. Eventually, the year he had been waiting for approached...

Vlad had made several calculations during his long life. He realized that knowledge of the exact date was essential for a person to feel secure. Furthermore, he realized that most people automatically abbreviated the year in their head, chopping off the first two digits. Therefore, it followed that when the year 2000 rolled around, people would alllose their sense of self and sit around doing nothing. In this world, the chronologically advanced Vlad would be the only person who had seen enough time to get along without keeping track of it. He could, therefore, run around impaling everyone without any advisors warning him about "election in November!" or "psst, psst- Image is everything! Image is everything!"

Unfortunately for Vlad, his plan did not account for the smart-impaired people in society. Unbeknownst to him, these notables were hard at work, looking for mistakes to make. A great many of them latched apon a similar error in computer systems, which are (in actuality) too dull to care what year it is, a fact clearly demonstrated when you try to strike up a conversation with one. When Y2K actually approched people were too busy ignoring these doomsayers to pay any attention to the fact that their own brains were crashing. Therefore, they continued living, society survived, and Vlad's less then nice schemes were foiled. (Until Y3K or Y10K, that is... Bwa-ha-ha! Bwa-ha-ha! Er, I mean "how nice".)


Vlad Is Now "Between Jobs"
Fizzle (If you call me Frizzle i shall smite the or impale thee or sumthin like that)


I know this because he stayed with out family during Chrsitmas. The reason that he can't keep a job is because he can't read. He took a coarse in computer programming at the local community college, he made straight A's cause he threatened the professor. And about the virus he supposedly made, "Mr.Tee", he threatened to kill the kid next to him if he didnt give him something to prove to me and my family that he learned programming. I wasn't dumb enought to let Vlad mess with my computer, so i told him that he can try it on someone else's computer. By the way, he now likes hamsters (he used to despise them.) He likes hamsters because he makes alot of money off of them because as we all know, hamsters are rich and hate cats and dogs. Many hamsters hire Vlad as a hitman for pesky cats and dogs (he then cleverly sells them to the local Vietnamese restaraunt.) Even though he makes enough money to live on being a hitman, he still travels across the US plundering and pillaging towns (the reason you dont hear about this on the news is because, you guessed it, he threatened the media.) And if you see Vlad around, tell him he still owes me $20.


Vlad of the Marching Band
Idiot of the Millennium


Now, maybe none of you other people out there have noticed this, but I have since the days of my youth, watching the parades on special days. And every one of those massive drums has drum sticks. And what's on the end of those massive drum drum sticks??? Those little fluffy white cotton balls!!! The only person who would dare to impale a big cotton ball with a drum stick would have to be none other than good old Vlad the Impaler. And I have to thank Vlad, for without him we would not know the modern marching band as it is. Their drum sticks would not have the great fluffy ends that they do. Thank You Vlad, for creating such a wonderful thing, the Impaled Cotton Ball.

Jim O'Grady--Idiot of the Millennium


Vlad is Bobo, the Magic monkey-clown!
Son Gohan


I just had my 10th birthday. My dad said he was gonna get a clown for the party. I wanted a monkey. So, we negotiated and decieded to have a monkey/clown. It's name was Bobo. At first glance, he looks like the
average monkey/clown. But when I got a closer look, it had fangs. I thought to myself "why does a monkey/clown have fangs?" Then, it hit me. He's a vampire! When I got an even closer look, I saw that he was no ordinary vampire. He was Vlad the Impaler! I told my dad, and we used the KameHameHa attack and he was gone. There is no more Vlad!


Vlad: entity of the 7th dimension
Xyzzy


Few know of the true origin of Vlad, but I know the truth. Vlad, or as I know him, Hjkshrn, used to be in the 7th storm division with me. One day he complained of the food here, and swore to me that he would find a land in which SPAM could be bought in markets, and not taken by military leaders. I thought it was impossible, but then he discovered this realm. He then proceeded to steal a military vehicle to take this world by storm, but as the warp-hole grew a sudden power surge destroyed the vehicle, and Vlad was forced to travel with nothing more than a BOB(Beam Or Blast)-245 atomizer rifle.
I was soon dispatched to find this traitor, as Hjkshrn, or Vlad, had come to be called. Upon our arrival, we saw the markings of his rifle, and we knew we should attempt to find him soon.
We hadn't traveled more than 674 miles when we found Vlad hijacking a SPAM truck (read "killing the driver and blowing the truck to tiny bits"). We opened fire, but froze as our eyes fell across the SPAM. Who ever said you can't have too much of a good thing was lieing! Suddenly, Vlad hurled his mighty Vibro-spear 3500 at us, and my two partners fell, impaled. I opened fire and took out his weapon an intant before I was beamed back to my dimension. Without his weapon, Vlad has sought other methods of world domanation, but thankfully without his rifle.


Vlad the Bomb Defuser
Son Gohan


I was walking in Downtown Clevland the other day when I saw a group of people surrounding a building. When I got closer, someone told me that there was a bomb in the building! At first I wondered, if there is a bomb in the building, why are people crowding around it? As I got closer, I saw the bomb! Then, I saw none other than Vlad the Impaler defusing it! When the scare was over, he dissapeared into the shadows.
If you ever see Vlad, tell him thanks from everyone in Downtown Clevland.


Vlad and the Doc
Slimey Dan the Hamster Man


I was cruisin down the street one day, somewhere in Bermuda I think, well, anywayz, i was cruisin down the street in my Pinto, when i saw a supercharged Jaguar coupe goin the other way. Well, given my obvious attraction to powerful cars, as can be seen by my own, i had to follow it. I followed it down some turns and all, to the local kwik-e-mart, and as the owner stepped out i noticed a strange thing: his Jack in the box antenna ball was the real Jack!
Needless to say I was frightened, more so when I saw who I had been following: out of the passenger side came the infamous Vlad wearing a sticker that said "Hello, my name is Vlad" that suggested that he was a recent visitor to the local Cannibals Annonymous, or C.A. Just as horrifying, however, was the driver of the car. His face was thoroughly frightening, and I recognized it only from a movie I had seen about three years before this encounter. His name tag proclaimed "Hello, my name is Hannibal Lecter". I was completely and utterly terrified and screeched out of the Kwik-E-Mart parking lot as fast as I could, which I now regret. Since then, I have learned that these are two rather nice fellows. Well, that's my encounter with Vlad, just thought you'd like to add it to the chronicles.


Don't Buy the Lie
Graham Russell


Well, I've heard some pretty nasty rumors about Vlad and what he's been doing lately, but I have to say, They're all lies! Vlad is really quite a nice guy. Yeah he may have done some pretty bad things in the past, but now he's a changed man. You see, I first met Vlad about 10 years ago when I was at a McDonalds. He caught my eye because I noticed he was ordering THIRTY cheeseburgers. That may not sound like much but in person it's a LOT. I also noticed he looked a lot like who he is. Being the paranoid person that I was (But no longer am) I decided to follow him to where he was going. We ended up at a large plot of land festering with hamsters, monkeys, and something else. He took all of his cheeseburgers and unwrapped all of them (carefully) and threw them into the fenced area. I talked to him about throwing the food in there and he explained the whole situation. He was a breeder of monkeys, hamsters, and a new hamster/monkey hybrid. All he's doing is giving away these kind little animals away for free to ANYONE that wants one to repay his debt to society. He even sends special purebreds to families of his victims. All I have to say is DONT BUY THE LIE!


Vlad Tepes Dracula
Alucard


I am the son of Vlad. My name is Alucard. Sadly, my father reallly did die, but not in the way that you think.
First off, he died in 1998. He was killed by a wild hamster. Before he died, he told me to post his legacy at some funny little hamster site. I am doing so now.

Contrary to popular belief, Vlad the Impaler was an decent citizen of Transilvainia. He never stole, never lied, and, until he was 29, never killed anyone.
He was forced into the military by his father, Dalv. While enlisted, he trained for hand to hand combat, weaponry, etc.
He actually fought in the American Revolution. He went by name of John Aldrof. He was a coilnel. He killed approx. 1200 British soilders.
Since everything else is explained at this site, I'll skip to 1876, when he was discoved as a vampire and was to be burned at the steak. He lived in Ohio at the time. Vlad, aware of the hunt, took his son and fled. When his son (me) returned for his mother, they had her and killed her. She was a human girl named Lisa.
In 1998, as he took his final breath, he said to me that I was to tell the world of his hardships.

Thats the story, I have to go back to my room now. I like the bouncy walls!


Vlad is in my CISCO Networking class
Mikie Forrester


Vlad is alive and well and living in Orlnado, Florida. He's got an apartment down the street from me and comes to school to take the CISCO networking class. Unfortunately, Vlad is not very experienced in the computer industry. He's kind of old and senile, and figures if he didn't learn it in the 13th century, he shouldn't have to learn it now. Why he takes the class, I don't know.
Also, he has a new set of clothes. I think after the first few hundred years, he figured that new close were needed, so he got a hold of some 17th century GAP models. It's a long story about time-travel and intergalatic sweat-shop t-shirt smuggling--but that's another story I'll reveal in the future. Anyway, Vlad is doing well. If you want I can call him over now. Do you? Alright hang on...

Vlad: "'Ello?"
You: "...." (You can't type.)
Vlad: "Fine, I see I'm not wanted."
(CLICK)

He left, but he WAS here! I swear!


Vlad is in Chicago!
Erika-moonstone85


Vlad the impaler, has signed his name on my backpack no more than 2 months ago! It says in green letters: VLAD THE IMPALER WAS HERE. The polish composer Chopin, and Genie have also been in Chicago. They signed my backpack in black permanent marker too. Vlad may still be wandering around Chicago signing people's backpacks! WATCH OUT!!


Vlad & The Who
Bruno


For the last 3 weeks I have been aiding my Prince, Vlad Tepes, in his attempts to regain his Romanian throne by reuniting The Who. You may scoff, but he was carousing with Roger Daltry in the bar of the Targoviste Hilton on Saturday. Only when my Prince is once more Lord of Romania, and so forth, will rather tall men from Islington be free.
Prince Dracul has disguised himself against ths Sultan's spies by shaving off his Village People moustache.


Vlad the Koi!
Syth


I know it sounds crazy, but Vlad is a Koi (a japanese goldfish)! My mom was putting some new koi in the pond, and I noticed a weird one. It had really, really sharp teeth! I could tell, because when I dipped my hand in the pond to feed them one day, it tried to suck my blood! I'm not kidding!

It also had weird markings that looked like letters! I copied them on a sheet, of paper, and they spelled out: V-L-A-D!!!!!! I didn't think of it much, then. But I looked at this site, and read all the sightings, and then remembered the name on the koi! So I'm telling the truth! Vlad is living in Mobile, Alabama, in my mom's fish pond!!!!!!


Vlad ate my Hamster!?
Jester


Well, It all started when I was having a friendly camp out with my friends in what seemed to be the saftey of my own back yard. I had brought my hamster, boB (Bob spelled backwards ofcourse)to join in some marshmallow roasting and to bathe in the light put off by the fire. Well, it was going normal enough until we started to hear disgrunteled mumblings coming from the shade of a bush. At first we thought it was probly the neighbor's cat, or the wind, or something other than what it was. Well, the next thing that happened pretty much told us that it was none of these things. We heard drooling. (Yes, we HEARD drooling) Drip.....Drip......Drop. A snarling Vlad flew from the bushes in a Denny's hat and impaled my dear hamster! If that wasn't bad enough, he then proceeded to cook him over my camp fire, take a bite, and comment on the quality of the meat. I was pretty mad about now but before I could avenge my dear boB, Vlad sped off into the night to never be seen again. But, I swear I will get him for eating my hamster, even if it means impaling the impaler.


Schizophrenia
Woody


When Vlad was executed he didn't actually die, the execution merely caused a severe case of schizophrenia. He has lived the past 568 years taking the roles of historical figures and then faking their deaths. Directly after his execution he took the role of Christopher Colubus. Ever since he has taken the role of many important historical figures such as Martin Van Buren, Amelia Earhart,John Kennedy, JFK Junior,and a few other Kennedy's,(he is not Ted) Elvis Presley, 2Pac Shakur,Makaveli,and 2Pac Shakur. And now he is either DMX or Tom Green.


Vlad: Project Manson
Pretty James


"The Beautiful People" "Antichrist Superstar" "Mechanical Animals"
All these works are supposedly the creation of one sick individual named Marilyn Manson, but in all actuality they are the heinous creatins of one Vlad the Impaler. Shortly after Vlad's disappearance 568 years ago, he was overcome with the desire to not only become a contraversial entertainment personality, but had an overwhelming desire to tick parents off. Vlad then assumed the identity of a girlish-looking man named Brian Warner (Manson's real name) and began singing silly little songs of the joy of consciously living in sin, and the denial of a higher existence. Seeing how these little ditties made everyone mad, Vlad (Manson) began writing more of these songs that have continued to make him so popular/hated today. Great job, Vlad


Vlad and the wet rain
Bruno


Things have not been easy for me, the rather tall Bruno from Islington, in my quest to aid my Prince back into his princely Princeship. Roger Daltry has left our happy throng claiming a previous engagement, and unless we can get Robocop back our side, I fear that our mission will become little more than a rather groovy movie, in a cinema near you from Xmas (or at least on the telly). My Prince and I spent the week in Sighisoara, in his case with his wife, Lidia, and in my case mashing skulls with my mace. I have to report that the artificial rain in Sighisoara is of a very cold and very wet nature. You wait, you just wait.


Vlad's dealing craps
Ventagio III


I ventured into the Luxor casino in Vegas and was preparing to enter into a craps game, as I glanced up at the dealer I realized I was unmistakenly in the presence of Vlad the Night Prowling Craps Dealer.
All was not lost though, it was my good fortune to enter into a winning situation. What an evening, Vlad rules!


Vlad is a Bum in a Dead Cow Suit!!
y Justino


Vlad isn't a biology student, IRS agent, or James SPAM the Man Paige.
He is in fact, a psychotic homeless bum who wanders about the small Californian town of Modesto in a disguise he made out of dead cows. Yes, i'm serious. I saw him impale a man out in the field for trying to milk him. He saw me, and since he wanted to remain secret (for some insane reason) he charged at me in his dead cow suit, but I leaped out of the way and he was hit by one of those semi-trucks that carry all those big macs for McDonald's. But if Vlad could survive all these centuries, then one measely Semi truck wasn't gonna stop him. I ran off before he could get back on his feet, and then i pulled out my 'Baby-Be-Quiet Tactical Assault Shoutgun*'!! Vlad didn't stand a chance! I pumped round after round into him, the busckshot tearing through his cow suit like flimsy tissue paper. He layed dead (i hoped) on the road, so i left him for the police to take care of. (Or hungry homeless people, whichever came first)
And that's who Vlad Really is. Or maybe he is James SPAM the Man Paige.

* Baby-Be-Quiet Tactical Assault Shotgun is a registered trademark of all Baby-Be-Quiet products. Other Baby-Be-Quiet products in clude the Baby-Be-Quiet .50 caliber rifle, Baby-Be-quiet Cyran wrap, Baby-Be-Quiet Cyanide pills in easy to open non-child proof bottle, and the Baby-Be-Quiet stainless Steel Bear Trap. All Baby-Be-Quiet products are available through catalogue, or at your local 'Toys-R-Us'


Vlad in '96
Al Franken


Vlad the Impaler, A.K.A. "Dracula," went on to star in several major feature films, such as Dracula, Interview with the Vampire, Vampire in Brooklyn, and Weekend at Bernie's II.

Using the royalties from those movies, he changed his name to Bob Dole and ran for president in 1996. He lost to a fat, womanizing, hick slob from Arkansas... What was his name...

Anyway, he now lives in Florida, where reportedly pops tiny blue pills ona regular basis.


Documentary-550801
AC-77510


[PATIENT-#-0000001]
[Name:Vlad Dracula]
[Age When Frozen:5?]
[Stasis Length:569 YEARS]
Vlad Dracula has been in a chryo stasis pod for five hundred eighty six years his capture was made by agent 2222. his realese date is the year @))% in which his new army shall rise to great and imense strengths. TRUST ME he will rise to conquer your world. this is your only warning...


Vlad the Fishmonger in Peckham
Jon & Charlotte


This story is completely true and it will send chills up the base of your spine etc in a horror story type styleeee!

My brother and I were ensconced in dodgy dealings in the midst of a Peckham fish market when we noticed a particularly gothic stall with turrets and fish impaled on little cocktail sticks. They were still alive and twisting in agony and going "blup", which I supppose would mean help in the human tongue. I went to their aid and was confronted with a fishmonger with a crooked beard. It wasn't stuck on properly. The disguise did not fool me for more than a second and I immediately realised that he was wearing a large pair of lederhosens, a dead giveaway! Only dodgy Eastern European countries think they are fashionable. It could only be one of two people: Vlad the Impaler or Ainsley Harriet. I don't know which scared me the most.

As the keeper of the fish had large canines I sumised that it could only be Vlad and merrily went on my way whistling a happy tune with two haddock, one plaice and a packet of shrimp. Very nice they were too!


Vlad must surely be....
MM486


Vlad of course is not dead. The main theory at the moment: He just went home to his mate, the much-later-on Elvis. But, others still believe he is roaming the countryside, accumulating followers, and having the occasional raid. Though it has never been said WHICH countryside, he was last reported flying somewhere over Roswell, New Mexico.


Happy lil' tale
The Xenonerd


One day Mr. Squirrel went outside to dig up some nuts. It was a beautiful sunny day in the land of Sunshine and all was well. Mr. Squirrel went along on his merry way to his favorite spot for digging up nuts. Along the way he met Mr. Bird. "Hello Mr. Bird," Mr. Squirrel said, "I hope the chics are well." Then he met Mr. Raccoon. "Hello Mr. Racoon," Mr. Squirrel called out cheerfully, "It's a wonderful day isn't it?" Then he came across Mr. Fox. "Good day Mr. Fox," he said, "You're fur coat looks brilliant today." Mr. Squirrel was in such a good mood that he felt like singing a song. He sang about the daffodils and the warm spring breeze drifting in with the lovely scent of flowers and the freshness of the Forest of Enchantment in the wonderful land of Sunshine. Just as Mr. Squirrel reached his favorite digging spot he came across Mr. Vlad the Impaler. "Hello Mr. Vlad the Impaler," Mr. Squirrel chirped as he looked up at the man, "How are you today?" "MMMM, SQUIRREL," Vlad muttered, then impaled his sword through the tiny animal's head and lifted it up and devoured it raw. After he finished he wiped the blood and furry chunks from his chin, then burned down the forest and looted the surrounding villages.

And the moral of this story is...
Squirrel tastes like chicken.

Thankyew.


Jumpin' Juniper!
Shokoshay


A BREIF TIMELINE OF VLAD'S POST-LIFE:

1476- Vlad dies in battle, body is hacked a mangled by peasants, used as a dartboard, cutting board, fire pit, and public restroom.

1477- Vlad's 2 remaining followers (the rest were killed by Ikire, the evil jumpin' frog from Mars) recoved what's left of Vlad's body. buried inside Dracula Castle in Transylvania.

1492- Columbus discovers America. Vlad's nose rots off.

1636- Anne Hutchinson tried as a witch in Salem. Vlad's last remaining piece of flesh deteriorates.

1944- Joseph Stalin dismantles Dracula Castle to make barracks for Soviet troops; steals Vlad's bones.

1969- Man walks on moon. Vlad's bones ejected into space.

2000- 2 NASA Mars probes are destroyed by stray, flying chunks o' Vlad. NASA covers up, blames it on a 'conversion error.'

...Freakin' Metric system!


Vlad in Silver Lake
Bruno


I managed to catch up with my Prince in LA in June. We had a curry in Silverlake, and then he and his girlfriend beat me and my wife at Trivial Pursuit. Slightly more domestic than you are used to, I know, but 100% true!


Vlad, The Chocolate Chip Muffin
John Billy Bob Stan Dan the Redneck Hick From Minnesota


Come round, to this big burning trash fire, and I will tell you what Vlad is currently doing. He's living in my garbage can, eating whatever the heck my family throws down there. Why, just last week, when the cops came to bust us for our illegal foriegn drug stash, Vlad went ahead and ate the whole three pound packet for us. What a guy. Of course, after that, he covered himself in butter and ran off shouting that he was a chocolate chip muffin. By the way, if you see him, tell him that he should drink a gallon of vodka to counter act that stuff he ate. Thanks...


Vlad: Creator of Spam.
Ryo-ohki


This theory conflicts with the belief that Spam is a substance that is mined from deep caverns in the strange land of Canada...this theory is that Vlad the Impailer created Spam as a fun and tastey Play-Dough Substitute...he came up with this idea when he learned that play-dough while fun to play with isn't edible...and so he used the powers of pure evil to invent Spam, Treet and potted meat...soo the legend goes..


Vlad has written a book!
Charlotte Rocket


There is a book I read when I was young (er) called "Vlad the Drac" about a midget vampire... it must've been written by Vlad himself! Let's face it, if he put an actual description of himself, everyoone would know what he looked like, and though it's set in London, he's probably somewhere like Kenya, just to throw us off his trail!!! He's probably laughing his socks off in some hot tropical country...

However, the authors name might be a clue... it was Anne something or other... well, if you go to a foregin country and meet an ugly lady with the name "anne" it could well be Vlad!!!


Vlad, Windsor the Mighty Goose, and friends
Kefka


One day, as i was gathering barincles, mouse traps and clam chowder in the wilderness of GREBDLOG, i met a man with hairy toes who addresed himself as Windsor the Mighty Goose. Windsor and I, sat on some hickory logs enjoying a nice warm cup of poy, spinning tales about moldy bread and gonzo the muppet. Suddenly a dark feeling of doom and carnage spread about the land. a duck and two weasels suddenly ran into a bunyon tree, which told me something foul was afoot. out of nowhere, a great structure of pain, peril, devestation, trinity and triumph. on top of this wicked structure, was the always jovial Vlad the Impaler. Windsor the Mighty Goose and I ran for the chocolate factory. i fortunatly escaped, however the legendary goose Windsor was not so lucky. a great beam of doom was fired from atop the structure of pain, peril, devestation, trinity and triumph, hitting Windsor just above the small intestine. thus he was stricken with a poison that made his head 10 times the normal size. before he began the long journey home, he gathered his sewing needles, orange potato sacks, beads, sticks for the llama, and various other dry goods. because of his giant head, he was often pelted with rocks and golf clubs by animals and whatnot. he tried suicide by jumping into a canyon. however, his massive cranium was too large. so he asked a venomous rabbit to bite off his head. the rabbit did as Windsor asked, and he was buried next to Elvis in a paupers grave. Vlad, on the other hand, met a sweaty turtle named Benoit. for the rest of their days, Vlad and Benoit were inseperable. they lived everyday the same. they would play Excitebike of NES over a bowl of hot grease and salsa, then would eat fingernail pie to their fill.


Vald the impaler
Brother Phemues


I have travel back in time. to tell u about Vlad in the future, (approx 41st century) We were on a raid through the eye of terror, when Our battle barge was under attack by a choatic warband, under the comand of Vald, the impaler! Sum how the gods of choas had mutated his body. His fangs were at leats a foot long, and he was double the height of a marine.( marines are on average 7'2) He was suited in a suit of heavy armour. He weilded a spear in one hand and the other was a gaint power claw, which crushes a marine wit a singal blow. Anyway we battled it out, the war raged for hours, Every victem he would lift up with his power claw and send the spear through his stomach! Me and my men chargerd him. He killed brother Promethiues with ease. I took out my gun and shot him in the chest plate. Sparks flew as he fell to a knee. we cheered But he got back up. only to swing his spear at me! I dodged and braught my sword down on his head! cleaving him in half!


but im sure hes not dead and he wants revenge! Emperor save my soul!


Vlad A.k.a MAPHOW
'chizo


I have found out who Vlad, is. He is really posing as a grade 8 student. He spears people, everyday. he speared me yesterday. and the strange truth is, He is a football player, around 5'7 and 180lbs. He also has a retainer!(hides his fangs) He eats 3 day old hamburgers from Mcdonalds, and enjoys cutting his leg.(I dont know why, but for strange reason he jumps on sharp objects with his knee)Anyway he is bent on killing the pig nose f***** who he plays football with. Right now im his friend but when pig nose is gone, im dead.....



Vlad Steals My Socks
Ed S.


one day i was washing my laundry. i lost a sock.
peering inside the washing machine, i saw two glowing red eyes staring back at me. next thing i knew, my hands had been cut off (i'm typing with my tongue) and i had been impaled.
apparently, my detergent wasn't soft enough.
well, i get strange looks from my co workers, and my family, and most importantly, vlad is now my personal doorman. you won't believe how many less salesmen come around, nowadays!


Vlad: AKA Britney
Mariel..Worrier Princess


Vlad the Impaler...Britney SPEARS....they both like the sound of screaming wailing women, neither of them have a good singing voice. Of course Vlad's obviously dyed his hair and buffed up a little.
But honestly..wouldn't you also flee countries to get away from his/her evil wrath.
So it's obvious, Britney Spears IS Vlad...or his bride, or his cleaning lady or something. I'm not sure anymore I think I ran out of something...somthing important.
and Vlad has a dog called SPIKE..geddit? HUh? hehehehehehehe
aw damn I think I sprained something.
NO...Vlad is the processed fat free cheese..they're both nasty and they both make you wanna toss some cookies
..........mmmmm cookies.
Vlad is the tiny little man who lives in my oven and spears my cookies making them bleed chocolate chip.
heheheh clever little impaler.
VLAD backwards is DALV y'know...but that doesn't help me much.
I have to go have a lie down now.....

Mariel


Vlad: cow - Elvis - Clinton - ?
Wackus Maximus


Vlad-dies reincarnates as... a... COW In INDIA! As he walks the streets in an unknown village in south India a hungry Christian Missionary lashes out at him, slays, and eats him on the spot. Immediately the locals eat the Missionary.
Vlad-reincarnated again as... ELVIS! But when Elvis is abducted by Klingon warships Vlad's soul leaves the body of Elvis...whose soul is replaced by Sulu's...
Vlad-now reincarnated as... CLINTON! Governor of Texas...Two time President of the USA... Two time winner of Greatest Man award by
Sex-Offenders Weekly...
Where is Vlad now?
Is he still in Clinton? or has he left that blissful body for another?
We have yet to find out...


Vlad, the ice-cream man
Anonymous


One day I ran up to an ice cream trunk shouting: "I wanna super pop!" over and over. I attempted to pay in pesos and run, but the ice cream man ran me down and I suddenly found myself impaled on a big stick. It was only then that I saw the truth. Vlad Tepesh was my ice cream man. He said: "Hmmph. Stupid American." and walked away...


Vlad Comes North
Moose Man Esoom


I live in Canada and it is winter. I was shovelling snow when Vlad hopped out! I was immediately forced to do 10 backward sommersalts into a Ferrari! I called the Mounties but they were on parade! I am sure that Vlad will be terrorizing all of Manitoba! Send help!!!!!


Vlad: haunting Camp Morristown
Corffin da Theif


OK, there's this camp I always go to, and I go there with the cubs and the scouts. Once, in cubs, when we were going back to the cabin from our campfire, there were a set of green eyes staring out at me and some friends through the woods. We ran to the front of the pack, and told the leaders, but they wouldn't beleive us. One person who saw the eyes got really scared and went home that night. Another, in the morning, we found all shrivelled up saying he was sick. And me....... the night we saw the eyes, I actually sat up in my bed, still asleep and started groaning something about tomatoes. I know this because my friend was up at the time and told me the next morning. Then, at a scout camp, I saw the same pair of green eyes in bed one night. And at another cub camp, I saw the green eyes more than once. One of the cubs claims to have heard something saying "Brad the Pail" coming from the woods. I think it could be Vlad, but just talking weird.


Vlad and the hotdog sausage
SoxSexSax


This is a disturbing tale of how I met and survived a meeting with Vlad the Impaler. The faint of heart should stop reading NOW!!!

One cold winter's day last year in London, England, I was hurrying along to my local burger bar to fetch a hotdog when I noticed a small amout of smoke rising from the sewer. Dispite my curious nature, I was in a hurry to taste the sausage delights of a hotdog, and consequently I ignored the smoke. This one action nearly cost the life of the entire world.

I purchased my hotdog from Les (know to his enemies as Mr Grease Stain and to his friends as Mr Grease Stain) and was walking back toward my home. I noticed as I walked pat the manole cover that the smoke was rising faster and thicker than before. Unable to resist my curious nature I put my eye to one of holes in the cover and peered down.

A bloodstained face, pale as the virgin snow peered up at me, features drawn in a mocking sneer.

"Give me your hotdog or I shall lay waste to the world before tearing off your head and drinking your blood through your backbone like a straw!" the figure with the pale, bloodstained face snarled.

"You have gotta be joking mate," I replied.

Before I knew it, a clawred hand burst upward, sending the manhole cover flying up into the air. The sharp finger nails closed around my neck, and I found myself being pulled forward with incredible strength. There was nothing I could do. Slowly I lost consciousness.

**********************

I came to about an hour later, tied tightly to a tall pole with rope that looked many years old, deep in the sewers below London. My hotdog was gone, and through the small amount of gloomy light available, I could see the figure sitting on an upturned milk crate, licking his lips.

"Tasty," he hissed, getting to his feet.

"Look, you got your hotdog, so let me go, demon," I cried, my voice sounding braver than my body actually felt.

"You were not going to give it to me willingly. And for that, you must pay," the stranger hissed. "Do you not know who I am?"

I made a wild stab in the dark. "Vlad the Impaler?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Correct. And you know what I am famous for, I assume?"

The look on my face must have told him that I was only too familiar with what he was famous for.

"Now...it's dying time," he sneered. "I'll give you a sporting chance." He advanced towards me, drew a scimitar from his belt and slice through the ropes in two quick slashes. I was unharmed.

He drew another sword, a Sabre, from his belt and tossed it to me. "We fight to the death," he grinned, showing me his impressive canines.

Even as he spoke he was lunging froward. Having done fencing since the age of nine, I know how to wield a sword, but Vlad came at me with strength and dexterity I had never before encountered. Forward he came relentlessly, raining down blows that I could not dream of. Somehow I managed to parry each one, but I was tiring and it was only a matter of time before the sweet, cold metal sliced into my flesh.

Eventually, when my arm was aching so badly that my vision was blurred with pain, I turned and rain up the main sewer shaft. He chased me, I could hear his footsteps racing behind me. I was faster though. I was putting space between us. I was going to escape. I...

...tripped over my own feet. Lying there, face first in a puddle, I awaited the death blow as he approached.

What happened next was sketchy. I felt a thud as something hit me, then another thud as Vlad fell to the ground in front of me. He hadn't seen my lying ther in the dark and had tripped over me. I looked up and saw the nadle of his scimitar sticking out of his back. The impaler had implaed himself on his own sword.

He looked at me in the darkness, a look of pain on his face. Suddenly, that look gave way to an evil, menacing grin. He held that for a fraction of a second, before, in a large puff of red, foul smelling smoke, he was gone.

In his place, all that remained was a small scrap of paper.

"I'll be back. Eleventh December 2000"

Oh God, that's today.

Do I hear footsteps behind me?

I hope I don't.

I surely hope I don't!




Vlad: the Gundam Pilot!
Wu-Fei Chang


It's true. Nataku and I fought him! His Gundam is called "Zaku VI". His nickname on the battlefield is "the Great Impaler". He almost defeated Nataku, but I backed him into a corner and sliced his head off. The Gundam blew up and Vlad himself came at me! I stepped on him, and....um.....sorry.


Vlad on Monkey Island
Guybrush Threepwood


After supposedly dying in the 15th century, he reappeared in the late 17th century on "Monkey Island", an island that people can never find, save me, Herman Toothrot, and the Zombie Pirate LeChuck. An island that LeChuck turned into Big Whoop, the Carnival of the Damned. Vlad was unlucky and became a prize for a carnival game: Guess yer age 'n' weight. It seemed that Dingy Dog, the owner of the game, found him and thought he was a cheaply made stuffed toy. He later realized that it wasn't a stuffed toy when he got impaled. That was the last time I saw him.

GT


Vlad is a Pokémon
Sid Orange, from Team Rocket


I have seen this "Vlad" character before... No really, I have! So you want me to tell you about it? ...well, okay.

One day I was stealing someone's Scyther.. heh, I succeeded. It was easy. The trainer's name was Paul.. I challenged him to a Pokémon match.. my Scyther against his Scyther. Fortunately, his Pokémon was weak... so I used "False Swipe"... oh, am I getting off topic? Er, sorry....uh, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah, Vlad. Anyway, I had stolen this kid's Scyther, y'see. So as I was walking back to my rocket-powered skateboard, I heard some rustling around in the bushes behind me. I thought, "Hey.. that must be a Pokémon! What the heck.. I'll go see what kind it is." So I walked over to the bush.. and *gasp* I saw this hamster-like thingy! I was like "Wuh? What's this?" I opened my Pokédex to identify this strange Pokémon, but my Pokédex totally froze on me.. I was thinking, "Whow, I must've discovered a whole new kind of Pokémon! I need to catch it!" So I sent out my strongest Scyther. I tried to use "Quick Attack," but Vlad used a very powerful psychic attack which knocked Scyther out. I thought I'd try my next best chance, Pidgeotto. So I sent out Pidgeotto, but Vlad attacked it with a very strong physical attack, thus knocking it out instantly. So I said to myself, "Whow.. this Pokémon is really powerful! It took out two of my best Pokémon in less than three minutes!" So then I tried sending out my other four Pokémon all at once.. bad idea. Vlad took em' out in one big, powerful dark attack. Now at this point, I feared for my life. I thought this unknown Pokémon was going to come after me next, since I used all my Pokémon against it... So slowly, I started to walk away from it... Vlad roared like a lion and charged after me, using a very strong tackle attack. He hit me, and the force of the attack caused me to fly up into the sky. "Looks like I'm blasting off again!..."

I woke up in a Pokémon center.. a trainer had brought me here. I proclaimed, "WAAAUGH!!! Do not go anywhere near route 27!!!!!" Everyone stared at me strangely. I took my Pokémon and slowly made my way out the door. I looked at the sign. It said "You are now on route 27" ...I ran back into the Pokémon center, screaming. That very Pokémon center is where I live now.

So that is my tale.. Vlad is a Pokémon. A very powerful one, indeed. My note to any Pokémon trainers that read this: IF YOU SEE VLAD, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!

Thank you for listening to my story.


Vlad the marshmellow man
Onedementedlittlekid


I was walking past the marshmellow isle one day..mmm...marshmellows...and i saw Vlad with a huge spike,stabbing all the innocent marshmellows repeatedly.I wanted to save the marshmellows,and later eat them....mmmmmmmmmm.....so i walked over to him,he handed me a spike.Then we both stabbed many marshmellows,innocent ones i might add.Then we went to Las Vegas and lost all of our money and came back.Vlad said he hadn't fed his pet dog in 5 weeks,so he went home.I've never seen him since.But the flying moutain dew and winged CDs still haunt me,but thats a whole different story..


Father Vlad, S.J.
RedWolf


Vlad is a Jesuit preist!!! I have proof!!
You see, I go to a Jesuit school, and there is this preist (who for his protection I'll call "Fitz") who bears astriking resemblance to the legendary impaler. Fitz knows much about the use of advanced impaling techniques, often spending whole class periods on the proper way to sustain a victim's life for days while they are impaled on a big sharpened stick. He also has some idea of how to use black magic to become immortal (Jesuits aren't exactly mainstream Catholic), so I figure he must have some connection to Vlad. Also, he's on the board of discipline, and nobody ever heres from people who went before him... could he be _the_ Vlad. I believe so, as would you were you ever to go before the board. So Vlad is our chaplain and teacher, a Jesuit preist. Better watch your butt in confession, he could be armed!!!


Vlad Against The Lemmings
Lady Angelyssa, Chronicaler of the Order of St. Fred, the Great and Mighty Invisible Gerbil


Vlad saved my life, or at least my sanity once. I am the Chronicaler of the Order of St. Fred, the Great and Mighty Invisible Gerbil. The Order has dispatched a small but effective group of assassins to eliminate the threat of the Evil Presidential Slug and his armies of demonic lemmings. The Evil Presidential Slug has been the traditional enemy of the order for eight years (we knew long before anybody else that he was a creep) and the lemmings... but that is irrelevant. The assassins include the legendary outlaw Kira Odare (at least legendary in the Order), Sir Scott of Swamp Castle fame, myself, and Lord Circle, Keeper of Marmots and Smurfs. We are quite good at what we do, and we get away with it so well (we have eliminated a threat worse than even the Spice Girls... the Demonic Hellspawn aka the New Kids on the Block). As I said, we had been dispatched to off the Evil Wyrm to save the world from mass production of Britney Spears/Elmo/Barney cds, and because we simply hate lemmings. Alas, the Slug was paranoid enough that he caught us, and Sir Scott and I were captured. We surely would have beem tortured most greiviously (I heard Teletubbies in a back room), except for Vlad. Vlad and the members of the Order are not fond of one another, but Vlad was rather miffed at the Evil Slug. Apparently the wife of the Evil Presidential Slug, the Satanic Wench of the Senate, had neglected to get her husband to pardon Vlad for the minor offense of setting fire to a BSB fan (justifiable in our eyes). So Vlad broke us out and destroyed the legions of goombas who were selecting songs for the cd of doom. Sir Scott hasn't really been the same since his experience with Vlad (he's always muttering something about tiger bits and monkey chunks) but thanks to the noble Lord Circle, he's getting the help he needs. The point of my tale is that Vlad IS alive, and though I've only seen him for a span of five minutes, he's almost certainly running amok in New York State. Not that anyone will notice.


Vlad vs. the Hippies
Spider Darkrainbow


Man, it was back in the '69, dude. Me and Lily were hitchhiking to some concert in New York, when this red man with horns in a Desoto stopped and asked us which way was Georgia. Then he took off in a cloud of smoke. Actually, the cloud of smoke was already there, he took off in his Desoto. So, this ugly dude with a heavy accent pulls up in a microbus, but this thing is giving off bad vibes, man. I mean, it was painted pitch black, man, and the inside was done up like a hearse. But, like, we needed a ride, right, so we got in. Man, that was, like, the worst trip I have ever been on. This dude, who said his name was Vlad, kept talking about pushing people off cliffs and impaling and he had the worst garlic breath you ever smelled. Anyway, we never got to the concert, because this freaky ride got buried in the mud. But this dude got LIVID, man. He pulled this giant wooden spear out of the trunk and started yelling at us to push. I was like, Dude, if your gonna be all uncool, we can find another place to hang out. So he ran off, yelling something about four wheel drive and his mechanics head, waving this spear. Anyway, we decided not to go to the concert. Bad vibes and all.


Vlad is an teacher in CBtis 89
Anonymous


Yes, he actually has been working on electric related things by the late 500 years. Yeah. He discovered the electrons like 120 years ago but there was a guy named Thompson who sleeped on his laboratory.Thompson presented the electrons first and Vlad travelled to America to work in a new idea that will be called electric light.Unfortunately, another guy named Edison presented the same idea but with the name of incandescent lamp and as it sounds more technical than electric light Vlad losed the patent.
Finally in the 70´s Vlad started to teach the electronic carer at the CBTIS 89 school located in Durango, Mexico.
Till the present day Vlad continue his evil work of destroy young students dreams and break down all their hopes of become electronic technicians.


Vlad and the college Professor
Cookie


I'm pretty sure that Vlad is currently working at my college. He was living in seclusion for many years. During this time he became self taught in technologies such as computer programming. He has been living as a woman and has let himself go. Since it is much harder to find victims to impail he has satisfied his cruelty fix by giving obscene amount of homework to already overworked students. Watching them suffer while studying for a test he has prepared is the thing he loves the best.

You may ask why I figured out his filthy little secret. It is obvious with his/her twisted little smile and over plucked eyebrows. I'll admit pretending to be woman was a very clever tactic but the broad shoulders and tree trunk like legs are a give away, that this person isn't exactly who she says she is. Also the constent reference to medival times as is she has had a first hand account of the horrors.




Vlad: Carpooling
Cassisus


It's true I used to car pool with Vlad! (we called him MIKE) He drove a Grey cheverolet and like to listen to metal and punk really loud! Every morning at 7:15am he would drive to each of our houses and beep the horn, to pick us up. We used to tease him all the time saying he was gay! Mostly the teasing went on because he had a girlfriend that resembled a man. Several times when driving home he used to stop the car and make us appoligize to him before he would continue driving. (you would think that after 567 years he would have mellowed out some). I know that I said he listened to metal and punk and that's true it is his music of choice. But, he also has a soft side too! Mixed in his tapes of rock would lye songs like "32 flavors and then some" or "I'm a bitch" even "That don't impress me much" I won't even mention the britney spears songs. Frequently during lunch Vlad would dissappear. He claimed he was visiting the local bar and drinking with classmates having a "liquid lunch". I beleive he really was having a liquid lunch but not really beer. If you know what i mean.

I'm not sure where Mike (Vlad) is now but I think that he is in Ontario, Canada working for a large company downtown.


From Bad Tempered Impaler To Bad Tempered Gym Teacher
Murray (AKA Ed. S)



Well, it just so happens that my theory of the so called "Sock Stealer" was totally wrong.

When I fired the impersonator, I arrived shortly at school (stop laughing. Any student can wash clothes), for a new semester.

When I got to gym class, lo and behold, was the man himself, eyeing all the girls in their scantily clad shorts and shirts (like the rest of us guys)...

He makes us run around and around the gymnasium for endless hours, threatning to impale us, and leave us for the wolves..

Talk about inspiration! I've never felt fitter!!

I just wake up some nights....so hungry.....I hear my brothers calling......must.....feeed......

mmm...poptarts...




This is attrocious!
Vlad


You people make me sick. What's wrong with you? Can't you let me die? You're like DBZ Mugen character makers.... never let a good thing die. I men seriously.... blasted keyboard! What do you expect, I am 525 years old.... I can't type! Well, much.... I've had SOME experience. I'm not a LOSER. But I demand some sort of payment for you endorsing my name. I mean, I've copywrighted my name! Sure I did! You can ask my grandmother, she'll tell you! Fine! Don't! This is attrocious!


Vlad is under my bed
Clare Casey


I was awakened on the night of January the fifteenth, to a bizarre scraping sound. In a dizzy stupor I turned around and looked to my bedroom floor, there he was. Riding around on a biscuit barrell with customised castors, wearing a cheeky grin was Vlad the Imp. I managed to calm the little hooligan down by throwing a laundry basket on him, he proceede to tell me his story........after feigning his death he decided to ask a local warlock to decrease him to a standing height of 14inches,and he lived in a tree stump until he was evicted by a rat last year. He smuggled his way to my house in a cornflake box, and has been living under my bed for the past 3 months, only coming out at four in the morning to eat sugar puffs.


Vlad, and Priceline.com
Cap'n Spanky


Vlad has been busy bringing pain and loathing to human kind, so after living several decades as the large swarthy beast known as William Shattner, Vlad the Impaler took to the mic, singing on the television commercials for Priceline.com, until he realized that not even he could stand his atrocious singing voice, undaunted Vlad took to the streets of New York and has since then written several aweful broadway musicals that are so aweful, the audience themselves die from over exposure to retardation afterwards


G'day, mate...
FrisbeeLizard


Our Mr Impaler wasn't having a very good day... then again, I guess having my head chopped off would make me feel pretty cranky too.

It's bad enough that the great warload of Wallachia and Romanian terror to fall in battle to something as lame as his own men mistaking him for an enemy Turk. ( Ooops, we nailed our fearless leader... now let's cut off his head and chuck it in some bushes and hopefully nobody'll recognize the corpse or figure out it was us... pretty good plan, eh, boys?? *nudgewink* ) But to add insult to injury once the fighting was over some of the mess cleaned up some curious village children had dared each other to come onto the battlefeild in hopes of grossing each other out a little and maybe taking home a few souvenirs found where his head had been tossed and started trying to play soccer with it. Of course they screamed and ran off when Vlad tried to impale one of the boys with his tongue ( hey... what else can you do when you're lacking hands?? ), but at least they kindly dropped his head near where his body fell and thanks to some sticky tape somebody had dropped and a bit of mystical mumbo-jumo he remembered overhearing from the Gypsies when he was a kid he was able to restore himself.

After his ressurection he was feeling pretty depressed. He quit trying to convince people he was their rightful ruler after that one time even the villiage idiot laughed at him and hit him in between the eyes with a rotten tomato plucked from the rubbish bin behind the local pub. At one point Vlad was feeling kinda suicidal and decided to end it all by throwing himself in front of an oncoming carriage but the Gypsy magick must've worked more than he expected 'coz all it did was get his new coat dirty. So in the end he just gave up and went to Snagov Moastery where he dug a hole, climbed in, and went to sleep it all off.

Turned out to be a centuries-long nap, but then again coming back from the dead pro'ly takes a lot out of you.

Now unknown to our boy Vlad... in all the time he was... erm... "away" they'd turned where his house used to be into a pub. And one night these tourists who met while staying at the local backpackers' hostel and become buddies were there having a few and this Australian guy starts telling the two Americans how lame the "Super Mega Vlad Tour" he'd been on that day was. ( It consisted of an old guy in a motheaten tuxedo showing off a pile of rocks that was meant to be the ruins of Vlad's castle and taking the tour group off to a shack outside of town where they were forced to watch some old black-and-white version of the "Dracula" movie... the only thing scary about the tour was the price and when the tour guide lost his false teeth and still tried to pounce on people and gum their necks. ) One of the Americans said that there was supposed to be a monastery nearby that actually was kinda cool, so they decided to go on their own tour.

They arrive at Snagov Monastery with a couple of 6-packs purchased from the pub ( at least they *hoped* it was beer... the stuff they'd been drinking looked and smelled much like the local toilet water...), a shovel ( well... one of the American guys tried to ask the guy behind the bar where he could buy film for his camera using one of those li'l pocket language dictionaries and he was directed to some old guy out the back who handed him a shovel ), and a couple of flashlights. The Aussie says he heard that Vlad was supposed to be buried somewhere in the area so they all decide to go looking for him... what else do you do when you're bored, a little tipsy, and nothing else better going on?? Eventually one of the Yanks starts poking around this mound of dirt out behind the monastery gates and wouldn't ya know it... eventually he digs up ol' Vlad.

Now most people would freak to find some dead guy lying around,let alone a coprse that's still moving, but oddly enough all he saw was some old guy in daggy clothes dressed kinda Goth, long curly hair, and with a moustache that any of the Village People would be proud of. OK... he's odd, staggering around a little, and has an accent thicker than the hair on tourist-boy's aunite's legs... gotta be from California, LA or 'Frisco or something. And the Australian's all... no worries and how 'bout another beer. So the guys sit around drinking the 6-packs ( Vlad chugs down most of the beer and chucked his empites back into the hole where he'd been buried ) and proceed to get plastered. Vlad kept trying to talk about the good ol' days and telling them the 4 of them will conquer the world and Romania will once again be free ( *tosses an arm around two of them* I love you guys, you're the greatest... *hiccup* ). So eventually they take him back to the hostel and stay up all night watching videos of the Jerry Springer show on the cheap VCR the Aussie got from some guy selling stuff out of the boot of his car on the side of the road.

Now Vlad's thinking... yeah... I could fit in over there... America... the land of the weird... nobody will notice a 568-year-old dead guy with an overbite. And hey... after a few centuries maybie it's time to get a life... erm... afterlife. He must've spoken his thoughts out loud without realising 'coz the Aussie guy told him "Nah, mate... you should go Down Under." Which is exaclty what he ended up doing by stowing away in his new buddy's luggage.

His traveling buddy had sobered up by the time he got home and dumped him. So Vlad was reduced to wandering around aimlessly again for a while. The first person he encountered was a kindly drag queen named Big Ethel who helped hook him up with a place to stay and a surgeon specialising in gender-changing operations. What can I say?? Vlad learned a lot from Jerry Springer and nobody would be looking for someone named "Pauline". But I guess dying kinda puta strain on him and he sorta snapped a little... that, and maybe old habits die
hard ( *heh* even harder than Vlad... ). So our boy's still out there in Aussie Land trying to take over the world. he's got himself a political party called "One Nation" with policies no less strange and overblown than impaling anyone who annoys him...

I know all this 'coz before I moved to Melbourne I ended up living next door to him ( or should that be "her" now?? ) for a while. So I can't mention specifically who Vlad has become 'coz he knows who I am and would track me down if he knew I betrayed him, but I think you know who I mean...



Vlad the Spitter!
Ghost Plip Freak


Okay, so anyhow i downloaded a Spitwars demo, and
then unzipped it... i heard a voice: "Gasp! Get me
out of your Hard drive!" and then i started playing
spitwars... anyhow, on the titlescreen, Vlad was
banging on my screen, so i started the game with my
only available choice: Bob and for some reason, the
game froze when Vlad used his attack, so i kick the
computer and then he says "Mwa ha ha ha ha! You have
freed my spirit, now you shall perish" so then i run
to get a Ziplock bag and capture Vlad in it, then
store him into the Freezer so his ghost was frozen...
and that's the last you'll ever see of him! Though of
course, his Ghost Plip decided to capture me with his
Ghost Spit and then locks me in the Freezer, so here
i am as a Ghost typing this for your own good, don't
mess with VLAD! Oh yeah, one last thing: Vlad is missing
from my Freezer and Ziplock bag, he somehow got out...


Vlad the shishkabob chef
speezle


I swear to goodness the Vlad is currently working at a shishkabob bar in downtown san diego i went there one day and i looked in the backroom and there was this guy laughing maniacly and shoving those bamboo things through the meat then, as i was leaving i heard him tell one of his co-workers that it reminded him of the good old days i must say that the shishkabobs were excellent and the bamboo thingy was right in the center of the food. Of course Vlad has had alot of practice. I later found out that his name was Dalv


Vlad the high energy power supply
MasterF


Think, what are the similarities:

They are both dangerous
Known for killing lots of people
Been around for a long time
Are seen often (read the rest of the stories!)
Were though evil by people long ago
Can stop the heart of a person/create an unbalanced rythm
Lots has been written about them
Hardly anyone knows exactly how they work

See?! He was re-incarnated as electrical power supplies, creating Jacob's ladders, Tesla coils and Van de Graff machines world wide! Maybe you will think twive before plugging in that spiky looking hair dryer...


Vlad at Pets'R'us!!!
I_Have_Superpowers


Oh man! It was at a pet store to pick up some dog food, and there he was: VLAD! In a HAMSTER CAGE! The cage was lined with titanium, so he couldn't get out, but...

We are not safe. Just yesterday, I saw Vlad again, and he was acually CHOMPING OFF THE TITANIUM WITH HIS TEETH! He is half-done chewing through the cage, and he will be finished soon! We need to alert the police, before he kills us all!

Oh yes, and if you want low-price dog food, go to Pets'R'us!


Vlad: In Wal-Mart
Anonymous character named Chris


Seriously, Vlad is the owner of Wal-Mart! My younger brother interviewed him for a school project at a Super Wal-Mart. His name NOW is John. His soul was sealed within a tomb of lettuce leaves and found recently when an unsuspecting customer bought a Piggly Wiggly lettuce head. It was released and entered the mild-mannered John. His revenge on the world was starting Wal-Mart and having store brand items sold for unbeleivably low prices so people would be mocked when they wore them. His new Super Wal-mart idea is to attract even more attention to Wal-Mart and cause even more shame. Or at least that's what he told me.


Vlad in Time
LieutenantX


Vlad is currently somewhere in the space-time continuom. I believe this becaquse one night I spotted strange lights in my back yard. Thinking it was the aliens, I decided to go willingly, but what I saw was even stranger. There was some... THING in my backyard! He seemed to be holding some implement of impaler-ness (impalership, whatever), and gesturing with it madly at a squrrel. Behind him was a ship of some sort, radiating a blue light. He must have sensed me somehow, for he turned and yelled in some odd language. I ran. I only identified him as Vlad the Impaler later, when I accesed this site. I live in fear that he will return.


Vlad is in my computer
Wordsworth


My computer is fast, I think its Vlad, I hope i haven't Pissed him off. Once my computer talked back at me. He said, die die die, im sure it was vlad because it somehow threw skewers at me from the floppy drive. After I "fixed" my computer with a hammer it stopped. Oh well back to work Vlad.


Vlad is in my house !!!!
fantasyzidane@go.com


For 7 days in a row this week Vlad the impaler has walked around my house ... Then whenever i walk out there the shadow dissapears .
the yesterday i found out it was just my brother walking around with fake nipple rings on his nose tryin to look cool and practicing on how to talk with them on ( thats why it looked like he had fangs )
....... It was spooky as hell utill i found out .......


Vlad Records
The Vampire Archivist


After careful research in the annals of history, I have determined the whereabouts of Vlad the Impaler. Believe me-this is entirely true, but cannot be proved-this data is from the accounts and biographies of other vampires over the centuries. It is completely accurate.

Vlad's body was buried in a hastily constructed and crudely finished stone momument. His head was never discovered by those who buried his body, and slowly sank into the earth, naturally decaying.
The Romanian Gypsies were of course not about to ignore the tales of The Impaler, and they spun many a story about his actions. Some were almost perfect truth, some were extremely out of proportion. However, the gypsies fully integrated these accounts into their lifestyle, along with curses and omens, resurrections and the like.

A boy of theirs, one by the name Lezales (this has nothing to do with the modern video game, Final Fantasy Tactics-this historical figure predates the game by several hundred years and is probably somehow the basis of the game's small character, in the fashion of Sephiroth of Final Fantasy VII being the left side of God...) was fascinated by what he heard from his elders. Being a curious and inventive child, he ignored the risks and warnings of his people and decided to bring Vlad back from the dead. He, unlike his peers, didn't believe so strongly in the consequences of such an act. He set out to perform this deed.

Lezales left his tribe at the age of seventeen and wandered, searching for the skull of dread Vlad. He of course knew where his target's body was. He searched for three years, murmuring incantations and spells under his breath, then acting on his sudden hunches and pawing through the dirt. He wandered through villages, speaking of a false prophecy in effort to gain knowledge from the people of the world.
It had occurred to him, of course, that the head might have been left where it had fallen on the battlefield, but for some reason he strayed from the place.
Finally, at the age of twenty, he made his way back to the site and began to dig there. It was not long before Lezales, hungry, weary, and near the end of his determination, unearthed a queer shaped bone.

He cleaned it, and was at once sure of its identity-the overly long canine teeth proved it in his mind.
Lezales made his way quickly to the resting place of Vlad's body, and stole it away, leaving the rock pile in good shape to mask his work.

For many nights he went through each of the charms and mantras he knew. His efforts culminated one night, and the skull which sat faithfully at its former home, joined to Vlad's skeleton. The body began to writhe and convulse, and it began forming flesh. The incenses and herbs burning in Lezales's dish erupted into smoke, then curled in thickening tendrils around the bones, repairing them and adding fullness. Soon, the body had organs, muscles, and later skin. It lacked blood, and its eyes had only a slight gleam to them, not quite what a human would have.
It was 1504 when this happened.

Vlad was grateful to Lezales, of course-this young man had brought him back to wreak havoc on the world which had so rudely spurned him.
Lezales developed characteristics similar to Vlad's shortly thereafter, because to survive, Vlad needed blood sustenance. The boy offered it to his 'creation,' and was rewarded with a vampiric existence. Vlad the Impaler, and Lezales the Accursed, were then staring the world in the face.
Out of fear of their deaths, they weren't rash in their work. They killed often, but secretively, thoroughly, and never too often in the same area.

Vlad and Lezales walked the earth for some time as friend and partner, but eventually grew tired of each other and separated around the time that the Americas were heavily colonized-the exact date was never disclosed. Lezales was eager to see the New World, but Vlad preferred to stay in Europe and indulge himself, inspiring countless tasteless vampire movies.

Lezales is little heard of, and is often not welcome by some of the vampire community. The resurrection of Vlad is considered an atrocious concept.
Neither of them are seen often, (of course when are vampires ever a common sight to those who don't recognize them?) but they have managed to tone down their accents and image a little, and are now both currently in the United States.
Vlad's persona is very noteable, and has performed in many movies. He has modified his the structure of his facial bones, added a lot of muscle mass to his body, and cut his hair and died it. The characters he plays in movies are often parodied with a thick accent, and a promise of return.
Lezales became extremely skilled at martial arts, and is almost as parodied. He has played the roles of soldiers and law enforcement officers traveling through time often.

So there is your history for you. Read up on it, it is true-but be careful what you read.

-The Archivist Brahns


It should be Vlad the Impaler's Pro Skater, not Tony Hawk's!!!
Vlad the Impaler's publicist, Moosee McMoose (a friend of Moose Man Esoom's)


I was watching the X games on TV recently, and this thing came on about Tony Hawk. It was all about the 900. They showed a replay of this spectacular trick, and there was a close-up of Tony's face... he apeared to have fangs and junk. Do not give Tony Hawk credit for the landing the 900, when it was obviously Vlad the Impaler.

Yes, I know stuff about skateboarding, because I myself skate.
Thankyaverymany!




Vlad: dbz villan
dbz hater


I Was Watchen a dbz cartoon once. It was the same as always until Vlad appered. He grabed Goku by the neck and tossedhim to the ground.
it was bizzare.
vlad then changed into a blob with a pirate hat.
he impaled goku several times before changing back.
he then stuck goku on a stick and roasted him over a fire and ate him.
gohan then baqnished vlad to the real world and to live under our
beds for the rest of eternity.
Remamber kids: its not a monster under your bed.
ITS VLAD!!!!


Of Rice and Yen
Kethamus Maximus


After spending a rather long (read:500-odd years) period in China, Vlaa the Impaler has been hanging around Yellowstone National Park.

Who else could coordinate that many people in one place stabbing sticks through marshmallows, hotdogs, and the occasional exotic sausage and cooking them over an open flame? Furthermore, have you ever seen the gargantuan quantities of SPAM, deviled Ham,, processed cheese substitute and vienna sausages the fisherman consume? Such great urges for falsified meat and cheese products could only be spawned by the likes of a great and powerful sovereign who is, coincidentally, really, really scary: Vlad the Impaler.


I, Robovlad


Vlad is alive. Not in the traditional sense, or even in the form of undeath. Let it be known that roughly 4 years ago, a robot, christened Vlad The Impaler, was created. Built for combat and destruction, this new Vlad was no less imposing than its namesake. He is a machine of mayhem and terror. He is a BattleBot. He is now safely contained in the battlebox, rending and maiming other machines. But he still dreams, still yearns, for a life of death. Vlad now bides his time, planning for the day when he will conquer all the world. Or, at least win another championship.


Vlad the Battlebot!
The DexMaster


When I was watching Battlebots the other day, I saw Vlad (the bot) fighting against some other robots. One time I saw Vlad's (the robot, agian) armor getting shred apart. A metal frame was all that's left, and everyone saw Vlad (the impaler) piloting the robot. He got slammed by the Pulverizer. So that's about it, but that's not the last of vlad yet...


I Saw Mommy Kissing Vlad the Impaler
monkeyboy


I saw mommy kissing Vlad the Impaler
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
Oh what a laugh it would have been
If daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Vlad the Impaler last night.


Vlad The Politically Correct
Murray


Okay, okay. So maybe Vlad ISN'T my Gym teacher....and so maybe he DOESN'T steal my socks.

But this I am certain of:

Scientists recently discovered that Vlad was a firm believer of Politically Correctness.

How so, you might ask?
Well I'll tell you how so....you might ask...

Vlad is : A lesbian cripple stuttering female african indian asian caucasion capability challenged senior citizen.

Don't believe me?

Then why does the classic impression of Vlad strike fear into the hearts of men?

and WHY, when approached by the epitomy of politically correctness do we want to jump out the window or slit our wrists?

See thats exactly what he wants....

oh crap, i forgot where i was going with this...

Vlad is my Gym teacher, Mr. Lucard........HEY! i just discovered something creepy!!

Lucard spelt backwards is Dracul!!!!

oh oh...hes..hes watching........staring.... haunting...

I play Diablo 2 and i am a level 78 Necromancer (WITHOUT CHEATING)


Vlad has becoma a cartoon charater
Little Prince Victor


Yes! It's true.
Vlad has become a charecter in a well-known kids show (Flint the time detective).
He makes a living playing the silly (and overly effeminate) young vampire boy "Merlock Holmes" who is, strangely enough, a detective for the "Bureau of Time and Space." SO he is playing this fruity-vampire )he looks A LOT like Oscar Wilde. He wears a sort of Victorian style clothing; he wears a cape, a broch, gloves, heeled shoes, plus-fours (silly short pants) etc. He has fallen head over heals for Sara.....and allways tries to imress her (wich never works)He allways falls from high buildings/ trees/ mountains/ cliffs etc.
Everytime he tries to make a move on Sara "bindi" (his "time-shifting-animal" pushes him, or wacks him (sometimes using a hammer) Some of the qoutes are a little "off", and you could take them the wrong way if you'd really want to.
Some quotes (my faves)

Merlock: "hmm...I see that we're in a little black room......"

Petra (to Merlock): "For some-one who is about to be smithened, you're pretty arrogant"



Vlad drives a Chevy
"Sideshow Bri"


I saw Vlad! It was on my way to work in a traffic jam! On this particular morning commute to the Golden Grams "cramming" facility, I saw a red, sporty car swerving through traffic. People gave dirty looks and assorted gestures to this driver. But then, this sporty car began to tail-gate some geezer in an old Chevy Impala. (The tail fins on this Impala could probably run a cow through!) Then suddenly, I saw the face of this strange geezer in the Impala, it was none other than Vlad the Impaler!! He waved a spear out the window and slammed on the breaks! The tail fins on the Impala cut right through the sporty car, and impaled the driver. (Don't worry, he survived!) Talk about road rage! Hmm.. come to think of it, I guess that's where the name Impala comes from!


Vlad VS Godzilla!
A Stoki


I was in Japan doing my Saturday walk and out of the blue comes Godzilla doing his Sunday Rampages.This must have upset the great Vlad.The 2 fought for 3 seconds into the night...(well it's Japan c'mon)...anyways Vlad won and Godzilla gathered his arms and leg and hoped away.I walked back home to Florida thinking about the
horrific 3 second fight between Godzilla and Vlad.



Vlad Is a Bus Driver
A Student Who Rides His Bus


This is a student. I have indeed seen Vlad the Impaler. I know imposters when I see one. But this was NO imposter, his face matched his exact face and if you looked into his eyes, all you would see is that bloody day, that day that he was fake died. His face changed whenever everyone was off the bus. He is very mean, and he keeps mumbling how, one day, he will get him (Elvis). Watch out for bus drivers that change faces!


Vlad is my hamster
C.S.


Vlad is my hamster! Yes, it is Vlad the Hamster! He always tells people to get the heck out or he will smite thee (real old). He hates people and he once got away, and he ate a snake! He loves live food, but instead I give him pellets.


Vlad is A Nice Guy
Wats2U


Vlad is a frend of mine. We hang out all the time. We talk, play games, and impale people with pointed stakes. It's funner than it sounds. (And he's realy bad at Super Smach Bros.) in todays uptight culture you can do any thing and people will just look the other way.
But, any way we give bums spoungebaths and clean highways (with pointed sticks.) So all in all the impailing thing was just a "phase".
Now he's nice.


Vlad is a litter bug
Resident of heaven


Yes. Vlad is a litter bug! He ran for mayor once, and left 504,028 posters, napkins, flyers, bottles of drink (Vlad Ade), and other ways of trying to get him elcted. On one thing, it said "Vote for me, I hate animals, trees, and human rights. If you don't I will kill you."
He dissaperd though. But he is a litter bug. Just ask the residents of heaven!


Vlad is the Easter Bunny
Santa


Ho-Ho-Ho. Vlad is the Easter Bunny. He paints his eggs with spears, blood, and violence. I know, when I slapped him with a lawsuite when he started giving presents. He is the most evil, bloodthirsty beast to ever give presents. Sure, I blasted him with my sulpher vision (no wait- that's barnacle boy). Well, he's the bunny and he wants to give YOU bloody eggs!


Hungry Hamster
Robinbird


I was reading a book,when I heard a small voice. It said "Go into the kitchen and get me food!" I looked around and saw nothing. Then the voice said "Down here!" I looked down and saw a hamster. I thought I heard it say "What are you waiting for?" I said "This is either someone playing a joke on me,or my mind is messing with me." He said "If you don`t do what I tell you to do I will KILL YOU!!" I started to laugh! A hamster was telling me what to do! Though you would think it would be weird for a rodent to be talking. Suddenly, he said, "Need food. Have not had food for days on end. Where are you? It`s getting dark,hold me. CAN`T BREATH!" And with that,he fell to the ground. I rushed to call the number for the animal hospital. Before I could call I heard a crunching sound coming from the kitchen. I hang up the phone and tip toed. When I rounded the corner,there he was,with a toothpick in his paw picking out food,in his small set of teeth. All the cupboards were open and empty. The fridge had nothing left. I think the sink was broken. "I`m stuffed." He replied. "I am Vald the Impaler." He said as he walked of to the back door. He stopped to the sound of scraching at the back door. It was my sister`s cat. "Oh Vald!" I said as I opened the door. "MEET SCOUT!!" Vald turned around,and when him and the cat`s eyes met he ran on all fours for his life. I have not seen Scout or Vlad since. I told my parents that when they got home, two robbers knocked me out and sole all the food. They also took Scout with them. They would have NOT belived the REAL story!


Vlad's Revenge
SoxSexSax


You may have read my previous posting about Vlad and the hotdog sausage. Well, he told me he'd be back for me...and last night, come back he did.

It started off as a fairly normal night. I was sitting on my PC, happily playing Quake and trying to put off the niggly little piece of code in the latest computer program I was writing. When suddenly, all the lights went out.

I looked around me and saw that, not only were all the lights out, the television was off, along with the radio and video. First thing that came into my head: powercut. Stands to reason, yes? But...

...MY COMPUTER WAS STILL RUNNING.

The next ten seconds are hazy. I remember there being a sudden and excruciating burning sensation racing through my body, causing me to cry out in pain. I then recall a sensation that is very hard to describe. It felt as if every single cell in my body was being literally ripped apart. Of course, that sensation was perfectly normal, as every cell in my body was indeed being ripped apart.

When I found the strength to open my eyes, I did not find myself sitting in the comfort of my living room. I found my self in the middle of the Quake 3 arena that I had been playing. The sensation of having my cells rudely separated was in fact me being pixelated.

"Hmm...", I thought to myself. "If I didn't know better, I'd say Vlad The Impaler is behind this. But he can't be. He's d..."

"Dead?", came an ominous voice from behind me. Oh, Russell, how mistaken you are."

I turned around, and came face to face with the monster I had already fought and beaten once. "Vlad. Nice to see you keep your promises. You're a bit late though."

"Traffic," he replied, cooly. "Now, tell me Russell, would you like me to kill you with the plasma rifle, or the rail gun?"

"You think you can beat me at Quake 3 arena?" I said, scornfully. (I'm not good at many things, but I am exceptionally good at Quake 3)

"Oh yes. This time we play for keeps. First person to frag in here, frags in real life," Vlad said, a smile playing on his undead lips.

"You're on," said I.

Vlad grinned and reached for the BFG he had been hiding behind his back. I rolled to my left as a hail of green enery balls hurtled through the spot where I had been standing only moments ago. On my hands and knees I scrabbled to get behind cover, knowing (in my Quake related wisdom) that a BFG can only hold 20 lots of ammo.

I could hear Vlad approaching, so I backed around a corner. I stumbled over the Shotgun lying there before I actually saw it. I quickly picked it up and continued walking backward. I was in a long and narrow passageway, poorly lit by a number of old fashioned flame torches.

Vlad jumped around the corner and let off the final three shots from his BFG. Luck rather than skill saved me then, as I fell over, just milliseconds before the green blasts would have torn my head from my shoulders.

Lying on the floor with only a shotgun (a notoriouly inaccurate weapon), the situation looked bleak. It grew bleaker as Vlad plucked a Plasma Rifle from seemingly nowhere. I took careful aim and pulled the trigger. Missed, but caused Vlad to shield his face, giving me time to get to my feet.

Vlad pointed the plasma rifle at me. With its incredible rate of fire coupled with the narrow width of the passage we were in...it looked like I was a gonna. He smiled as his finger began to squeeze the trigger.

Without aiming or even thinking I pulled the trigger on my shotgun, holding out little chance that it would improve my lot. I then closed my eyes and awaited death...

...which never came. When I opened my eyes, I saw Vlad staggering backwards down the passage, cluching his midsection. He was covering a hole in his body the size of a saucer. And the Plasma gun lay on the floor, where he had been standing.

Quick as a cat, I raced forward and grabbed the plasma rifle. I could see specks of blood spraying frm Vlad's mouth. I pointed the gun at him, and then paused to think of a cheesey, cliched finishing line.

Unable to, I simply shouted "Eat this, sucker!" at the top of my lungs, and pulled the trigger.

The next few seconds are again, a blur. I remember the blue beams of plasma hurtling from the end of my weapon. I remember (vaguely) seeing Vlad literally begin to melt as they crashed into his body. And then I vividly remember the same "my cells are bing torn in fifty million directions" feeling.

And then, before I knew it, I was back in my living room, with all of the lights on and the television blaring.

But instead of Quake 3, a single piece of text appeared on my screen. Text displayed in a red font that appeared to be dripping. And the text simply said:

"Next time, fool!"

Vlad would have a better chance of world domination if he first learnt to play Quake 3. Next time, I think I'll challenge him to Doom.

At least that way the computer controlled characters will give me a challenge.


Vlad writes Webster's Dictionary
Bob the Hamster


I was looking through mlooglefloggenhoorsherdenklepoofkistaneefooberdoodenhertyuptlejuquestwillguzonbivishklcedaronklegobbermoggetnooperfoobenaskergloogenox dictionary (I read dictionaries on my spare time) when I came across this really wierd long word. The dictionary said:

mlooglefloggenhoorsherdenklepoofkistaneefooberdoodenhertyuptlejuquestwillguzonbivishklcedaronklegobbermoggetnooperfoobenaskergloogenox: (definite article) the

When I saw that I said "That's not a real word! Who wrote this anyway?" When I looked in mlooglefloggenhoorsherdenklepoofkistaneefooberdoodenhertyuptlejuquestwillguzonbivishklcedaronklegobbermoggetnooperfoobenaskergloogenox Editors, there was mlooglefloggenhoorsherdenklepoofkistaneefooberdoodenhertyuptlejuquestwillguzonbivishklcedaronklegobbermoggetnooperfoobenaskergloogenox name, Vlad Tepes Dracul! I freaked out and began shouting obscenities in Latin, until I was calmed two and a half days later by a band of pink and orange sharks wearing tutu's. I then went into meditation in the steppes of Siberia until I found mlooglefloggenhoorsherdenklepoofkistaneefooberdoodenhertyuptlejuquestwillguzonbivishklcedaronklegobbermoggetnooperfoobenaskergloogenox meaning of life. And it was . . . to use the word mlooglefloggenhoorsherdenklepoofkistaneefooberdoodenhertyuptlejuquestwillguzonbivishklcedaronklegobbermoggetnooperfoobenaskergloogenox instead of the (oops) 81.3% or more of the times you want to say the (oops again!). So join with me in reverent meditation on the holy word mlooglefloggenhoorsherdenklepoofkistaneefooberdoodenhertyuptlejuquestwillguzonbivishklcedaronklegobbermoggetnooperfoobenaskergloogenox and you will be blessed with a long and prosperous life.

mlooglefloggenhoorsherdenklepoofkistaneefooberdoodenhertyuptlejuquestwillguzonbivishklcedaronklegobbermoggetnooperfoobenaskergloogenox . . .

mlooglefloggenhoorsherdenklepoofkistaneefooberdoodenhertyuptlejuquestwillguzonbivishklcedaronklegobbermoggetnooperfoobenaskergloogenox . . .

mlooglefloggenhoorsherdenklepoofkistaneefooberdoodenhertyuptlejuquestwillguzonbivishklcedaronklegobbermoggetnooperfoobenaskergloogenox . . .

mlooglefloggenhoorsherdenklepoofkistaneefooberdoodenhertyuptlejuquestwillguzonbivishklcedaronklegobbermoggetnooperfoobenaskergloogenox . . .

P.S. Since you probably didn't understand a word I said, I will now rewrite what I said, replacing the word "mlooglefloggenhoorsherdenklepoofkistaneefooberdoodenhertyuptlejuquestwillguzonbivishklcedaronklegobbermoggetnooperfoobenaskergloogenox" with the much-easier-to-read word "the".

I was looking through the dictionary (I read dictionaries on my spare time) when I came across this really wierd long word. The dictionary said:

the: (definite article) the

When I saw that I said "That's not a real word! Who wrote this anyway?" When I looked in the Editors, there was the name, Vlad Tepes Dracul! I freaked out and began shouting obscenities in Latin, until I was calmed two and a half days later by a band of pink and orange sharks wearing tutu's. I then went into meditation in the steppes of Siberia until I found the meaning of life. And it was . . . to use the word the instead of the (oops) 81.3% or more of the times you want to say the (oops again!). So join with me in reverent meditation on the holy word the and you will be blessed with a long and prosperous life.

the . . .

the . . .

the . . .

the . . .

P.P.S.
Eating spam aids levitation.

P.P.P.S.
Can YOU name all 56 ingredients of spam? I can't.

P.P.P.P.S.
I am Bob the Hamster. I have written to you before under the name Bob Dole the Impaler. Don't believe what I said then! It was a joke! I was young and foolish!

P.P.P.P.P.S.
So maybe I can name all 56 ingredients of spam.


Vlad the 1337hax0r phr33k
dA_HoMeY_sApIeN


I saw Vlad. He works at Hungry Jacks (Burger King). He keeps saying "would you like fries with that?!?" and threatens to impale you with a straw which he uses to drink the milkshakes with until you get some fries. He was fired and resorted to a life of hacking and making up languages. He is responsible for 13375p34k (leetspeak), which is now (annoyinling) commonly used throughout the internet. He also drills holes in peoples roofs, trains monkeys to go through them and steal all your cheese and eat your furniture. All the cheese goes to a company called "Vlads Cheese Imports". Its true, I saw it on the stocks page of the newspaper. Anyways, when the monkeys get to old, they are usually grinded up for meat (Part of the secret recipe of SPAM) or turned into flies, which keep running into your window at night, buzzing and making noises so you cant sleep. Then all your teabags become water-proof and your fridge is automatically rewired to sing "Dancing Queen" by Abba whenever its opened, and whenever its happy it sings "Frontier Psychiatrist" by The Avalanches, and the turtle with the old guy's head pops out of it and tries to sell you a car. So, that is Vlad's story. Now if you'll excuse me, Im off for some spam flavoured fudge *drools over keyboard* mmmm, spam flavoured fudge.... *zzaap*


Vlad is my Alter Ego
Valek


I have a shocking announcement...Vlad the Impaler is my alter ego! I discovered this one night, when I was sitting in my room, playing video games with my brother, when he started to royally beat me. During my pathetic loss, I leapt from my seat and impaled my little brother on a spear that materialized out of nowhere. After doing this, I started to speak to the corpse, death rites, I think, in ROmanian, I had claimed my brother's life in the name of "Me, Lord Vladimir Dracul!" So, now, I know what will happen to people who happen to make me mad...


Vlad met Berekley and realised he did not exist
Decartes


Upon meeting Berekely, Vlad vanished into non-existance. He realized that since he only existed as Berekly perceived him his very material substance could at any moment come undone at the seams. Hence, when Berekly closed his eyes, in the tradition of the adversarique, Vlad degenerated into nothingness, and yet still he hungers.


Vlad: The Story of a Senior Citizen
The Guy Standing Behind You As You Read This


Ok most of you have heard of Vlad, I'm sure. BUT can you believe he's a SENIOR CITIZEN!!!! I couldn't believe it either, a SENIOR CITIZEN and he looked so young in the history books! Well I met Vlad, the once dead prince of the darkness on a vacation to Florida (Where SENIOR CITIZEN'S go to retire). I was minding my own business when he comes upto me like an old hobo (which was what I mistook him for). He tells me "well sonny," in an older person's voice to a younger more impressionable person,"it's not easy being a 14th, er was that the 13th, but anyone its not being an ancient mongal horde leader in Romania and oppressing people and impaling them and all...." Next thing I know is the old coot's fallen asleep; I had to wake him cause he was starting to drool on me. Then he walked off begged a guy for a dollar. He pulled out his SENIOR CITIZENS DISCOUNT CARD and waved it around like a badge and said he was a police officer. How did I know it was the Dracula Bram Stoker describes in her book "Dracula"? Because on his arm he had a tatoo with a Romanian prince impaling someone, he also had some others, I think one said "keep on truckin", and I don't have to let you think too hard on that one. ITS all TRUE too, Vlad lives in Florida in a trailor, asking people for money and being eccentric, as none other than a SENIOR CITIZEN!!!!!!!!


Vlad is an eeeeevil corporate executive
Little Prince Victor


Vlad is Eeeeeeeeevil. Everyone knows that.
What most people do not know is that Vlad has a very lucrative business. He is the embodiment of al that is evil in corporate executives.
After harassing the townspeople who lived around his castle, sucking their blood, and that of everybody who came near. He faked his death. Word was spreading that he was a demonic vampire. His Holiness the Pope told the Inquisition to bring him to Rome, to show the power of the Roman Catholic Church (We’re talking fifteenth century here) they wanted to “bring him back into the Holy Church.” Vlad, of course did not like the idea, so he faked his death. He travelled to America with Columbus, to whom he paid a enormous amount of money to keep it a secret. He started the American Revolution. The next time he pop’s up it’s late 19th century. He founds IBM and starts making computers. In the 1970’s he fakes his death (again) and starts working for Apple. He comes up with an eeeeeeevil scheme. He makes the first iMac. It is public knowledge that the real name of this demonic device is not iMac, but eMac (I hope everyone can figure out where that stands for) His plan is to torment people by making them use bad computers. I mean look at the colours. Luckily, Mr. Gates prevents his plans. (Whose name isn’t really Bill Gates, but Theo Hastings, but that’s another story) After his eMac-plan failed, he started making Smarts.
I suspect everyone knows what a Smart is. It’s a car. Well it’s not really a car, but the people who own those things like to say they are cars.
I, and I hope the rest of the world with me knows better, for A SMART IS NOT A CAR.
Then what is it, if it is not a car, you may ask?
Let me tell you.
I readily admit a Smart does look like a car. They have four wheels, a steering wheel, breaks and very much more car-like features.
To me a Smart seems like a shopping-buggy whit a roof on top.
But it is not the same thing. Smarts are the evil entities amongst the cars.
I do not like Smarts. When I am in my car I always get distracted by the unpleasant behaviour of most of the Smart-drivers. What is it always with Smart-drivers? Perhaps it is the angle of the head-rests in that kind of automobile that closes of the nerve-signals to the brain and causes some kind of mental retardation.
Smarts seem to come from some “The evil Realm of darkness and eternal unpleasantness.”
But the truth is more subtle than that. Smarts are made by Vlad. He makes them at his little evil factory. The location is still a mystery.
Why do the Smart attack the human-beings. Why are Smarts haunting us.
Who could be responsible for the evil of unleashing the Smarts upon the world ? The answer is simple; it’s Vlad! And he isn't a very nice employer!
People who have committed very ghastly and horrible crimes are by some evil unknown entity forced driving a Smart. They seem somehow to be attracted to the evil entity within the Smart. Apparently hideous murderers and thieves and so on feel somehow connected to the very essence of a Smart. Yes! Smarts are eeeeeeeeevil!
But more and more people start driving those things out of free will. Yes, I know, it is unbelievable.
Most Smart drivers aren’t very bright. Some have more serious problems, or are even retarded.
Now, there is an interesting something; Do Smarts attract retarded people, or, will people become mentally deficient from driving a Smart? Not to mention eeeeeevil.
It seems the evil entity within the Smart works like some kind of a drug. It keeps you away from reality.
People who drive Smarts can become from time to time very lethargic, or violent, or just simply not able to communicate with other members of the human race.
People who start driving Smarts suddenly get very pale and start talking incomprehensible sentences. They quite there jobs and only appear at night.
I agree we must do some tests to find out, now only to find some brave volunteers who dare using a Smart, and al the consequences following that decision.
I daresay we must try destruct al the Smarts. Probably the people who’ve used them are not able to be saved. We will give them 2 options
1: Sit in their Smart, while it is being demolished.
2: Just for preventions sake, drive a steak trough their hart.

We must solve problem but for now, goodbye.

Any comments?
>>> littleprincevictor@hotmail.com <<





Vlad is currently outta cash
Somebody who is not sane


Vlad is broke. I saw him last night on the streets of Las Vegas begging for cash. He came up to me and threatened to impale me on his beggar's dish(the dish that you put in money for street beggars). I swear, he's insane! The next night, he was going around as a woman selling cosmetics to hobos. This is not the Vlad I know!


vlad is the founder
blaugh


you all think vlad is a immprtal vampire. well hes NOT! he is actually a little debbie snack salesman. he started back way back in the 1400s trying to sell his world renouned cakes to pheasents on the moors. but they rejected him saying that the cakes were made from evil sprits,but he begged and pleaded with them to just try one cake.So the pheasents considered him a evil spirit that was trying to tempt them into doing evil things. so they killed him buy making him eat his own cakes and he choked on them(so they thought) they locked his "dead body" away in a cave. to his amazment when he came out of the coma he was surrounded by berries and fruits and this plant whcich he found out can be made into chocolate. so time went on and on and when the 20th century hit he founded the little debbie snacks and cakes company.


Vlad: the conspiracy
Cuddles the prophesizor


What is Vlad, Really? Some say he is an IRS worker(see one of the above articles.) Some say he is a vampire. Some say he's a burger eating, beer drinking nut. I know the truth. Vlad is a Peruvian governmental leader with faint hamster bloodlines going way back to the founding of the AHC(Arkansas Hamster Comitee), where his ancestors proved their love to hamsterkind by traveling all the way to Belgium to give waffles to al of the Arkansasian hamsters. On the other side of the coin, Vlad comes from Transylvania, where he started the Revolution of the Floridian Penguins by stabbing a cow 262,000 times with a butter knife. This may sound loony, but if something is stabbed 262,000 times with a butter knife, it splits into 25 Floridian penguins. These creatures almost took over the world, but the Mysterious Village of the Little Chinese Hamsters used the Holy Hamster's Staff to defeat them. The Staff has fallen into possession of Cuddles the Fiercesome Warrior, and he is battling Elvis with Kirby as we speak. Vlad uses his bloodlines to his advantage, saving 1.2 millioon dollars in taxes per year. He was last seen shooting Smokey the Bear in a Yukon forest. My predictions say that on the twelfth of December, that day of renown, Vlad will manage to kill off the Powerpuff Girls, Barney, and McRuff the Crime Dog all in one sitting. Look forward to it!


Vlad in 100000000BC
LionX5


I traveled back in time and met Vlad (Or an anscestor, or maybe he
traveled back in time, too...

Anyway, he had a spear made of rock, and I had only a digital watch...

I took my watch off my arm and threw it at him. He charged. My future
self suddenly gave me a light saber, but as soon as I realized it
was just a prop from an early Star Wars movie, I tossed it aside.

Vlad suddenly started yelling "Nooo..." and lunged at the Star Wars prop, and time went all slow motion-type like in movies, or at least Vlad was, Everything else was full speed. So, naturally, he didn't reach the prop in time... It shattered to a bazillion jillion gazillion rarillion mamillion (yes, I AM making up numbers) tuzillion
itty bitty tiny puny pieces.

Vlad yelled "Noooooooooooooooo! Now my Star Wars prop collection will
never be completed. He lunged at me. He tripped on my digital watch.
I realized we could no longer be on Earth cuz it didn't exist yet...
so... we were on the mass of land that blew up in the action called
THE BIG BANG.

Vlad yelled "I'll get you!!!"
I relized time hasn't been invented yet. I realized there was a door in front of me. I ripped the handle off of the door and I suddenly got an urge of power, yelled "DESTRUCTO DISK!" and sent Krillain's (from DBZ) trademark special attack at Vlad. I realized I can't use the destructo disc, and, so it disappeared right in front of Vlad.
"Why can't I keep my -expletive deleted- brain thought thing shut!"
I yelled as Vlad charged again. I was lost in thought so deep I didn't exist in the material world, just in my mind, Vlad impaled the air from where I was, then in my thought I realized I can't do anything I've been doing. I re-materialized above Vlad and fell on him, crushing him, barely missing his spear.

Vlad disappeared and his voice yelled "You haven't seen the last of me!"then he mumbled "Unless I don't get more blood soon and I dry out..."


Vlad, Vice president of the hampsters
Agent K of the KORH (killers of rabid hampsters)


There I was, surrounded by the evil hampsters, their leader, President Denjii, a rather ugly little furball with only one eye, was laughing his head off, thinking he had finally defeated the only obstacle in their path leading to their domination of earth. Well, anyhow, the hampsters were closing in and I pulled out my gun and started shooting at them, not very effective since it was just a puny lil' handgun and there were hundreds of the evil lil' creatures. I had managed to shove through a small space in the mass of squeaking, evil vermin. Then I started running for it, knowing that there was no way I could take out the entire population of rabid rodents by myself. I knew that just one nip from any one of those fleabags would immediately introduce the most horrible of diseases into my bloodstream, the disease known only as hamptilo. Hamptilo is a hampster-origined virus that can be passed by biting, kissing, or coming in contact with hampster blood, or by being bitten, kissed, or scratched by a hampster. This virus brought about many horrible synpthoms, including death and the terrifying event of being turned into a hampster. Well, anyhow, I was running as fast as I could, and all of a sudden I felt a sharp pain. I had been impaled by a toothpick. O_o;; I turned around and then I saw the most percular thing in my life. There was Vlad standing next to Denjii, holding another toothpick at ready. I ripped the toothpick out and continued running, trying to get away from the hampsters and out of range of the deadly toothpicks. Luckily, I escaped with my life and a few bruises and the cut from the toothpick, none of which has caused any suspisions of hamptilo to pop up. I was lucky this time, but the next time, with knowing Vlad is on their side, I'm not so sure I will be able to stand up against the hampster's wrath, even with the help of my fellow colleages, Agent M, Agent/Doctor X, Agent C, and the few little grunts that we throw out there to be needlessly sacrificed for the cause of saving the earth and the universe. So beware, they're everywhere, watching you, and with Vlad on their side...who knows. O_O


Vlad Conducted the Bolshevik Revolution!
Freek Wallace


At about WW1, Russia was still in a feudalist society. The Russians pulled out of the war to have there own Russian revolution, called the Bolshevik Revolution, led by a man called Vladmir Lenin. Now, I now this sounds farfetched, but I noticed that the names of Lenin and Vlad sounded kind of the same (Vlad, Vladmir), so I called Vlad the other day. Here was our conversation:

Freek: Hi, Vlad.
Vlad: Hi, Freek.
Freek: How are the kids?
Vlad: They're doing great.
Freek: Cool. Vlad, old pal, I've been meaning to ask you a question.
Vlad: OK shoot.
Freek: Do you know a man named Vladmir Lenin? You know, bald Russian guy, good speaker, started the Bolshevik Revolution?
Vlad: Yes, I know who you're talking about. I was in Russia at the time, and I decided to mess with this country's history, so I shaved my head, used my skills I learned in speaking school, added a "mir Lenin" to the end of my name and voila! The Revolution was a success, the country went communist, and my messing up the history of these people's country was a success.
Freek: So YOU were Lenin?
Vlad: In a nutshell, yes.
Freek: OK, thanks. Bye.
Vlad: Bye.

So as you can see, Vlad was Lenin, and lead the famous Bolshevik Revolution in Russia.


Vlad the Impaler...what really happened.
Cassandra Frankfurt


You may not know this and I really don't care if you believe me, but I am Vlad the Impaler's (19 times) great granddaughter. He never really loved the mother of my ansesters, but used her for lust. During his mutilation days, Vlad the Impaler, met a young woman who he could use for his personal affairs. He would take her to the dungon in Hunedora Castle, get what he wanted, then throw her out. This happened for many months. My great, great grandmother found the journal of the young woman's daughter. It discribes the pain a suffering the woman went through. I saw in last year for the first time and cryed the whole time I was reading. I could almost feel her pain, it was so real. The pain Vlad the Impaler had struck upon her and his other victums.

Even though I share the same blood as Vlad the Impaler, I can't help, but hate him. The pain and suffering he put hunderands of people through.

Once I first found out my blood was the blood of the 14th centery warlord, I freaked. I mean, I'm 18 now and was 12 then. At first I didn't know who he was untill I looked him up. I was shocked. He was a murderer of innocent people.

Today Vlad the Impaler spirit still walks at Hunedora Castle. No one knows what happened to his body. Hunedora Castle is an evil place. Some day I wish to be adle to visit there, just so I can write about my family's history. I'm not sure if he still is very violent, but I'm sure if he ever found out, some how he has disendens, he wouldn't like it. At all.

Oh, if you want to see the journal of Vlad the Impaler's true daughter, it is being held at a museum in Transylvania. Sorry, I'm not sure which one. You can e-mail me at: CloeyHenchliffe@msn.com
(this is my pen name)

thank you!


This is the story of a man named Vlad
Cuddles the prophesizor


(Sing to the tune of "Cotton-eye Joe)
This is the story of a man named Vlad
Havin lots of fun when then he found he'd been had.
Where did he go to, and why was he mad?
Where did he go to, Madman Vlad?

I was sleeping outside, sittin' on the step
When along come Vlad and D-stroys my rep
Where did he go to, and why was he mad?
Where did he go to, Madman Vlad?

He stole my ma and he stole my dad
Then he laughed and said "boy, you just been had!"
Where did he go to, and why was he mad?
Where did he go to, Madman Vlad?

Then I got peed and I did somethin bad
Beat up hat B****** and took back my dad
Where did he go to, and why was he mad?
Where did he go to, Madman Vlad?

Along came a hamster, and sez to me, son
This is the end, and I hope you had fun
Where did he go to, and why was he mad?
Where did he go to, Madman Vlad?

I gotta go now, but before I do
Just remeber that if this happens to you
Don't y'all fret now, none of you cry
Just turn Supah Saiyan and Vlad'll go ba-ba

That was the story of a man named Vlad
Took it out on the world, because he'd been had
Where did he go to, and why was he mad?
Where did he go to, Madman Vlad!!!


Vlad the hamster who has been foiled by my digital watch and, now, another time
LionX5


Okay, so, I decided to travel forward in time one day, to the year 5000AD, but, just as the hydraulic time pressure kicked in, Vlad appeared, yelled "Set the stage!" and I went zoomin through time to fight Vlad...again. In the future, Vlad gave me 10 minutes to get a weapon, I had no money, so I was stuck with my hands and my watch. My prize-winning watch that had foiled Vlad before (Vlad in 100000000BC)
Vlad whipped out an IMPALER (Illfastha Muchahara Pulli Asdsd Larharhar
Ehtht Rit...I still don't have a clue what that means), an energy weapon that shot light-daggers.
I through my watch at him and hit him in one eye. The watch fell
to the ground. We jump-kicked at each other,and,just before our feet hit each-others, we spun around in mid-air in slow motion.It was awesome.
Vlad was a better kicker than I, so I went flying to the ground in slow motion. Then time returned to normal. I landed, grabbed my watch, and slung it on my wrist. Vlad shot an energy dagger, I dodged,he shot another one, a lot faster now. I ducked down and time went super slow, I could see other see-through pictures moving around me. I grabbed up and caught a dagger.
Vlad yelled "I really wanted to have that starwars prop, LionX5!"
I yelled "I ain't LionX5, it's just my web name,LionX5 is a government conspiracy of project WILDCAT!"
Vlad said "I see..."
He pulled out a laser cannon and shot at me, I threw my watch at him, I dodged his shot, the watch went straight through his head, killing him. Then he turned ghostly. His voice yelled "As long as my spirit thrives, I shall be back! Then he hit his head on a roof,said "Ouchywouchywawa" and was off.


Vlad aka Bob Sagat
Dr Clock


I was watching one of the all time great episodes of that quality sitcom Full House, you know, the episode where that little Olsen girl hates her childhood icon, and I started to realise that Bob Sagat would play a great "Vlad the Impaler" if Hollywood ever decided to make a movie about the man. It was then that I remembered a fateful day back in 'Nam when I saw the entire Vietcong army impaled and eaten by a person who looked remarkably like Mr Sagat, only he bore a nametag that read "Hello, I'm: Vlad the Impaler". Well my suspicions were finally confirmed when on a later episode of Full House Bob nailed John Stamos's mullet to his head then ate his face. Hahaha... that Vlad, when will he learn?


Vlad the shapshifter
Person with Laptop!


Make a short story long...or a long story short..I had a friend,his name was Bob and he was a friend....of mine..and this is gonna be one whole sentence so hold your breath....anywayz he was acting strange lately so i asked him why and he hurteded me...i dont want to go into details but well....he hurt me more than he usually hurts me! He keeps
impailing me 3 times a week for 7 months..i have become depressed becuase of this...so i marked him one day with a special marker that reveals the truth!..guesss WHAT! It was!!! My grandma!..yeah can u
believe it! well the next day i was walking home and BOOM Vlad came out of no where and devoured me!..yep good thing i had my laptop with me when it happend..or els i wouldent be typing this so someone on the out side CAN HELP ME!



Vlad,Me,and a Bloodthirsty Chicken
The_Evil_Onion


I am a very evil onion. One day I was scouting for my army(One day,the vegetable army will conquer the world!!!)when I met Vlad.He caught me and sent me to his secret underground base(an abandoned nuclear silo). He had a bloodthirsty chicken on a leash down there.He said that if I did not answer his questions,he would let the chicken eat me.He asked me:"What is the square root of 5462". I had no idea what the answer was. Just as he was about to let the chicken eat me,the leash snapped! The chicken, with a roar(or whatever chickens do)of triumph,jumped on Vlad and attacked him. Vlad faught the chicken and killed it. Just then,we found out that the nuclear silo was NOT abandoned. We heard a siren and red lights started flashin'. I started runnin' like a evil vegetable would run and I made it out alive. Just as I lost consciousness,I saw Vlad run away and that's the last I saw of him. By the way, the vegetable army is formed out of characters in Vegetale Movies(a series of religious-teaching movies)who decided to be evil instead of singing"Love Your Neighbor".


Vlad is just like you and me.
klingonboboftheweirdfireintexas(hamster)


While I was writing a weird story about an Elvis sighting(whatinthedangbloodyheck, read it), when I saw Vlad. He was riding in his station wagon with his family to visit relatives. With some research, I found out that he works at the pet shop, where he cleans out the fish aquariums. He likes to play golf. His wife's name is Beatrice. He has three kids, Vlad jr., Lucy, and Jimmy. Every Sunday night he goes to visit his mama at a nursing home. He wants to learn French. Wait a minute, what are all those fish heads doing on little posts?..........


Vlad On a video game!
?????


Yes its true! I was just playing my playstation with my vampire killer and he walked into a throne room.I saw Vlad Tepes Dracula(or Vlad the impaler) and he started talking about crap like "What is a man? a miserable pile of secrets!". He got up and fought my charecter.It was easy!!! **14 bosses later.....** My charecter,vlads son alucard, Finds dracula again,exept he is in a giant throne with spikes flying everywhere.....I thought(and i was pretty drunk at the time)that if i lost,Dracula would infect all of the playststations and computers and anything else electronic and start Y2K again....PERMANATLY! But i beat his ass and "saved the world".


Vlad on Oprah
??????


Oprah:How is it feeling dead?
Vlad Pretty good.I can go into battle without dying.....AGAIN!
*audience laughter*
Oprah:What Do you do in your spare time?
Vlad:Play countdown vampire,the game where you can choose to be a vampire on my natural,not artifical,blood playstation.For physical activity,I go into nite clubs in europe and Bite some girls.Otherwise,Its dull.
*Audience Oooooooohhhhhh*
Oprah:Are you always alone?
Vlad: Hell(pun intended)no! All the people ive killed's ghost float around in the castle! along with my vampire wives...
Oprah:So your a mormon?
Vlad:Sometimes,My wives will fly away to look for husbands...Undead Divorce...
Oprah:ooooohhh.
We'll be back in a minute with:Monster friends and ghouls! Here on Oprah!
*Audience clap*


Vlad is now a car wash guy
Clare Casey


The day after I found Vlad under my bed I gave him a potion I'd bought from Alice in Wonderland....it was just for emergencies....and it increased his height to that of a slightly small adult. Later that day I took him shopping because we were bored, and we managed to procure a job for him in the local 'Wash and Go'. He looks so cute in his overalls....you're all invited to the wedding


Vlad sings "One of these days"!
Mr. Pink Floyd....Really!


Well if your a Pink Floyd fan I have a feeling you are already aware of the song "One of these days". Weeelllll who exactly is that presumidly constipated man or german woman screaming "ONE OF THESE DAYS I"M GUNNA CHOP YOU INTO LITTLE PIECES!". Its Vlad of course!Who else would say that on a song from 1971!Well maybe Satan....or Alice Cooper.....or Ozzy Osbourne....or Frank Zappa.......But you see my point!!! Vlad is the fifth member of Pink Floyd. I heard that lately he has been playing Bass for Pink Floyd, since Roger Waters left. Well, thanks for hearing me out!

RUN TO THE STORE AND BUY "Echoes:The Best of Pink Floyd"!ITS AWESOME!
I hope this isn't illegal.......


Vlad the English major who likes being foiled by a digital watch!
LionX5


I was wondering how Vlad is doing so many things at one time. So, I looked into the matter by, of course, travelling forward into time to when I already knew the answer. I travelled 20 years in the future, but when the Hyperactivestupidthingthatdoesnothingimportantwowsaythattentimesfast did something wierd, I went back to my first duel with Vlad, it was wierd seeing me. So, anyway, I noticed that when I grabbed and pulled off the doorknob, I never opened the door. Curious as to what lay behind it, I waited(I have no clue why) until Vlad left, then I darted to the door and opened it. As soon as I opened the door, Vlad appeared in front of me, blocking my view.
Then Vlad said "LionX5, or whatever your real name is, you cannot see in here!"
"Now you have me curious, I'll foil you again!!!!"
"You are grammariacly incorrect, there can only be one exclamation point after a sentence!"
"Huh? Why would you care?"
"I recently went to a college to brush up on my battle strategies, but they didn't have a 'Battle' choice for something you could take as a major, so I chose to be an english major, considering how you talk on StarCraft BattleNet."
"Ummm..."
"Ummm is not a word!"
"Right..."
"Sentence fragment!"
"So is what you just said!"
"I was just correcting you."
"Anyway, I talk so bad on BattleNet...WAIT! I've never played you on BattleNet!"
"I work for Blizzard."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" I said in slow motion.
"Right."
"Ha! Sentence fragment!"
"Huh...rats!"
"On with the fight!" I said as I kicked him in the face, then he turned into a bat. I looked quickly at my digital watch, then threw it at him. It hit him in the chest, he was weighted down now, so I kicked him. He realized I could look into the door (but I hadn't yet) so he screamed "Set the stage!" like he did last time, but his bat voice was too shrill, so he transformed back, and dropped my watch. Time went in slow motion, so I grabbed the watch and turned around and yelled "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Then I realized we were doing everything in slow motion for the dramatic touch, so I stopped moving slowly and threw my digital watch through his head like last time. The ghostly figure that always comes up came, and he said one thing "Pears!" then he disappeared. I looked into the room and saw a factory. It said "Alternate egos" on a sign above a conveyor belt shooting energy into helpless gray hamsters, then, after they were shot, they grew a mustache and became evil!
I screamed "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and then they all turned at me and said "To many Aays!"
Then one of them said "And, 2 people cannot speak in one paragraph!"

I screamed and ran like crazy, then I went back to my house using my wrist-mounted remote for my time machine.


Vlad, Elvis, and Canada
Li'l hobo


Unlike common belief, Elvis is Vlad's good twin. He was just a guy who stayed in the background. He got jealous when Vlad had movies made about him, so he started singing. Unbenownst to historians, Elvis wrote the Soviet National Anthem.

Vlad wanted his brother to stay in the background and not steal his fame. So he chased him away and faked his death. Thus Elvis lost his fame. But James Paige made this site and renewed Vlad's jeolousy. Before Vlad went after Elvis again, well, let's just say that the late James Paige isn't very happy right now.

Anyway, Elvis came to my town and asked for my help. So, I met Vlad behind a doughnut shoppe. I would have killed him then and there, but first I had to find who was playing that stupid background music.

"Well, li'l hobo," Vlad said. "I've been waiting for you." "No you haven't." I said. "You were digging through the trash looking for lottery tickets, old doughnuts, and newspaper." "Er, no, I was looking for my special impaling spear daddy gave me for my 246th birthday. It fell in, uh, yeah." "Sure you were."

So, I challenged him to a game of Starcraft. The loser dies. I chose Protoss and Vlad was Zerg. We fought for two hours, but neither of us could win. Vlad got impatient. "That's it!" he said. "We fight like good warriors should!" I pulled out my Oboh sword and he pulled out his relapmi shooting spear. I almost beat him, but he called out the mailmen of the world. They almost got me, but Elvis came out and sang a song to get rid of them.

Vlad charged for Elvis, but I got him in the gut when he passed. He started crying. "I'm so sorry, brother. I should have let you have some fame. I was too selfish. Now I'm dying and I can't make it up to you."

Elvis felt sorry for him, so he restored Vlad with <the*blood*of*hippie> medicine. They went to amend 400 years of truble. Elvis still didn't trust him, so they went to Canada which is the only place that Vlad can't impale people without magic killing him. And to show that he would try to be nice, he threw away his spear, restored James Paige and let him have his web site back.

There would be peace between Elvis and Vlad for two years. But after that Vlad left Canada, and no one knew where he went....


vlads real identity!!
megaman


vlad has no identity. don't you see all these storys lead to one thing. vlad is a member of the witness relocation program
he currently resides in the small intestine of a giant whale,drinking beer and watching no commercial t.v. (sick twisted man)
if you wish to contact vlad, think again!!
the amount of bad(i do mean bad) t.v. has been exposed to has turned him into a creature no longer human or sane.
help vlad and ban crap tv
remember all is not what it seems and all lies lead to the truth
( i think this tv thing is spreading help m....


Vlad on Yellow Jackets
Matt


Well a few of my friends and I went to go see The Count of Monte Cristo last night. We were there for about an hour when on of them we'll call him Mike pointed out a lone guy in the corner.A little while later an usher came in with a huge flashlight. The usher started giving vlad stuff for being loud, throwing pop corn, jumping around and shaking uncontrolably. Then I guess that he was really getting into the movie because he grabbed a cane from the old man on the end of the isle. He started sword fighting with the usher. Well it didnt take long before he disarmed the usher from his flashlight and fight his way from the theater. We were glad to see him go. From then on the movie was kinda boring then Mike was biten. I guess that vlad had worn off a little on another one of my friends.


Vlad is DEAD!
Mat, better than you


Fools! You are all so very wrong! Vlad the Impaler is dead, a rotting corpse long gone. The "Vlad" you have seen is really just a clever ploy by wheat marketers to take your minds off of the brutal slaughter and food-making-out-of of innocent wheat, don't be fooled!


Vlad works for McDonald
Timmy Silvereyes


As said in the title Vlad works at the McDonald as the McDonald clown guy. He had another job before has one of Teletubbies and works part time as Barney. He is obssed at the fact of being someday the king of the world, and some fear that he becomes either a president or a Elvis impersonator. Be weary!
--John McDougal,Vlad's press détaché,addressing to reporter wanting to stay wisely anonymus


Vlad is my Russian teacher! I'M SURE OF IT
Simon


I'm studying russian, and I KNOW that my teacher, Vlad Ficsher, is realy Vlad the impaler! I've run this passed him many times, and even tried cross-questioning him, but he still denies it!


Vlad is my father!!
The Weaver of Spoons


I've always thought that my father was strange. He liked his meat cook rare, very rare. Also he likes to watch alot of sick things on T.V. This got me to thinking. Could my dad be the dreaded Vlad the impaler. I started at once to search for the answer. My first big break in the case came to me when i was reading in the library. My dad walked in and walked by the historical section. Then i looked away for a second and he was gone. Later i heard the libraries saying that a book on Vlad had gone missing from that very section. Also just a few months ago. My dad got a new licenese plate. It's number was "Impaler". This could all be brought up as mere random happenings, but the strangest thing is that his name is Vlad and on his birth certifcate it reads born 1436. He says it's a typo but who knows?


Vlad's my dentist!
Someone


It's true, it's true! When I first sat in the chair, I decided to play with it. "Chair goes up. Chair goes down. Chair goes up..." then the dentist said "I DESPISE LITTLE CHILDREN!" I decided to stop. Instead of a metal pokey thingy to poke around in my mouth, Dr. Vlad took out a a bloody impaler. Then he began poking around. I said, with the impaler in my mouth,"What about that metal pokey thingy?" He bagan to laugh evily. After minutes of poking, my mouth actually felt better. I said, "thanks doc." He didn't answer. He went to a drawer and pulled out a Jolly Rancher impaled on a toothpick. Guess he ran outta lollipops. I walked out thinking to myself, 'he should get promoted...'


Don't get mad, get Vlad!
That guy on tv


I was watching TV and one of those GLAD commercials showed. It seemed like a new one. Then, I was shocked to find that Vlad was in the commercial! It was like this:
Vlad: Oh no! My blood got spoiled!
That woman: Vlad stored ho blood in a bargain bloodholder.
Vlad: I need better blood!
That woman: New Glad blood holder can store blood for up to 1 month!
Vlad: Wow! I need that!
Vlad tries to take the bloodholder.
That woman: No! Get your own!
Vlad:Gimme! Or I'll sick my hamster on you!
commercial ends


Vlad washes my car!!!
Anonymous


Vlad has been washing my car for 50 cents a week!! Yes... once I said he missed a spot on the hood, and he pretty much went ballistic on me because he slammed me into the hood of my dad's car... (I think he was immitating some wrestler). Yup, My dad just about fired him but then he slammed him too and then Vlad forced my dad to give him a raise of 25 cents. Just the other day our neighbor said Vlad looked stupid and then Vlad killed him. Oh yeah how can i forget the story of the cat! Vlad saw a dumb cat and decided to take his impaler and stab it to death. The guy's crazy, I swear, if he sa a crowd of people he would get out and ax and have a freaky spaz attack that included the stabbing of all of the people in a 5 mile radius. yup, he's quite the character.


Vlad the corporation
Anonymous


Vlad has canged his identity. He has become a tobacco company. He has killed thopuosands of people this year and is hoping to increase his Kills. He gets people cigarettes and they finish his work by killing themselves and paying for the4 privilege, leaving their children without parents.....


Vlad is a cow
The wicked witch of America


Hee hee hee! He's been a cow for the past 568 years. Hee hee hee. I turned him into a cow because I was bored. Hee hee hee. Why do I always say Hee hee hee after I finish saying a sentence? hee hee hee


Vlad was my Grade 8 teacher!!
The Color-blind Pink Dude


Well it was a ways back in Grade 8. One of my teachers, whose name I won't devulge, was in a particular grumpy mood. Being a hater of rubber poultry and students alike he decided to make a display of an unsuspecting rubber chicken, a good friend of mine named Rat Batch. He called all us students to his attention. In his hand he held a screwdriver in a Pyscho killer-like fashion. Taking young Batch in his hands he held him to the wall. "This is you.", he said with a glint of evil in his eye. Raising the screwdriver above his head. Ready to deliver Batch a terrible deathblow. Me and my friends watched in horror as he chanted. "Chicken rubber I doth smite and send you in to the eternal night. Blade of rusted over silver I call on your evil powers, come hither. Melt this soul within this chicken, give this foul fowl a bumm kickin'!!!!" and with his satanic mantra completed, he gave a war cry, "AZZZZZEYEAAAAAAAA!!!!!" and impaled poor Batch. All in the room were silent. Then from my teacher came a howling scream. His short,black hair became long and brown. His glasses disappeared, and his beawdy eyes became devilish,cats eyes. His teeth turned to bloody fangs. He suddenly changed from his pink t-shirt and long pajama pants ensemble to a long black cape and robe, or wedding dress, I'm not quite sure. To this day, Batch still hangs from the Classroom wall, reminding all that "Don't forget to brush your teeth with Pig whiskers!!!!"........wait, thats not right......


Vlad on the sit-down-lawnmower
Squinty McPhee


I swear I saw Vlad when I went to donnington park to see the race. He was in pole position on a sit down lawnmower. Then he went off the course and mowed down all the spectators. I threw a knife into the engine, exploding Vlad but destroyed all the other racers. What a waste of innocent people and hamsters.

The moral of this story is "Not all stories have a happy ending."


Vlad, leader of the Impalees
Hookedonfonics Warren of Brothers of the Warren


Well, me, Hookedonfonics Warren the first child of my family, and my other brothers were strodding down the streets of Genghas Town one day, little did we know we would soon come upon the great Romanian warrior, Vlad. We have this B-boy crew called "The Warren Brothers", but people usually call us the "Brothers of the Warren". And also among our ranks is a "mascottio*", ours is ELP, I mean Jeff Ology, a australian midget with three legs and four arms, you better believe he's a real "fly boy*" when it came to breakdancing, but he's pretty much there for show.Well anyways, we were just walking down Kubali Street, in search of stray b-boy crews to battle, such as the "Ian Documenters", "The Discovery chaneleers" and of course "Darth Vaders Possee." Eventually we came along a bunch of guys all in black. Kabanda Warren, our youngest and forth brother stepped up to them. Kabanda has been rearing to join a "genn-u-wine*" cult. "HEY mah hommie gangstah puppies,"Kabanda said in his street slang or as we call it "Shuggalug*". "So are you guys a cult or what?"He asked. The leader of the strange men looked down, he had long brown hair, cat-like eyse and a devilish looking beard. "And why would you want to know?" He said with a thick Romanian accent. Our third brother stepped up, Nerraw Warren, who was much umm angrier than most of us, asked "Hey my "Mofo-mahoma*" you givin' him "sherpah*"?!" More of the dark sinister men stepped up. There were 4 more people in all. Equal to our possee. There was a fat bald one, a skinny one with a greasy shag, a jamaican dude with dreads, and a normal sized guy with a blonde, spiked, mullet. The leader looked his men over,"These are my crew, "The Impalees", Slash, Izzy, Duff, and Axl. I am Vlad but you can call me.....ELP!!!.....I mean PEACHES!!!!" BUM BUM BUM !!!!. Everybody looked up. "Uh, was that you guys?" Asked our second and quiet brother, Kingly King Kingston Warren. Vlad or Peaches as he will be called from now on, simply shook his head. "Anyways you foolish fools, I beleive it is time you met our Mascottio....Impaler!!!" From behind Peaches jumped a tall, golden spear. Jeff set up the music, then the breakdancing battle began. First up Axl and Kabanda started out, Kabanda popped and zapped like a drunken C3-P0, he then went into a series of uprocks, six-steps and coffee mixers, he was just gearing up. Axl did a series of 1990's, 2000's and even the occasional 1967! He finished it all off with a move he like to call the "ELP*". He did a back flip landed on his butt and propelled himself upward with gas....umm he never came down. Kabanda did a little victory "scoot*" and let the next two up. Now it was Nerraw and Duff. Duff began out by doing some crazy custom taunts, he did a bunch of complicated uprocks and went into a bunch of complicated floorwork. But Duff was battling with the king of floor work. Nerraw put his two hands and the center of his stomach, he balanced himself on his two hands and begin to spin like a cyclone. He moved faster and faster like a stoned east german woman!He kicked Duff square in the "gonzo maffusa*" but soon went flying up into the stratosphere. This match was a draw. Then came Izzy and Kingly King Kingston. When it came to breakdancing Kingly was......terrible. But he could Moon walk like a "GNS*". Izzy started things out doing headspins, stop n goes, flares, air-flares and Crickets. All of these nigh impossible moves he did with great precission. Kingly gave him a blank stare and began his magic. He moved his feet back and forth with out making much traction. Slowly he began to move slowly, than he floated, the he LEVITATED!!...Then..when he was just over Izzies head, he farted and toppled down onto Izzy. ELP I mean Kingly King Kingston was the winner!!! Now it looked like me and Slash were up next. Slash did this really annoying move called the Worm... the whollllleee frickin' time, eventually Peaches, I mean Vlad, I mean Peaches, I mean Vlad, I mean Peaches jus took him up and threw him into the gutter shouting, "Back to the place I found you, Swedish wretch!" He stared at me with those freakish,catish, impalerish eyes and as I thought he was about to say some incredibly evilish, impalerish line....he farted. But Vlad has no embarressment. "Lets break...." He said. All of a sudden a giagantic bunch of spotlights,strobe lights and people in baggy, colorful clothes circled around us. I looked up at Peaches, I mean Vlad, I mean Peaches, I mean Vlad, I mean Peaches and asked, "These guys with you?". He just shrugged "I'dno.." Then it began.Trying our best to ignore everything around us we busted our best moves, Pops,locks,Nike kicks,Slushies,Swipes,Stop n Goes, Boomerangs,Turtles,Jackhammers,Applejacks and Suicides. Each move we did better than that before it. But through out it all sometimes we would just freeze in the middle of a move, like in some corny, modern action movie, a'la Matrix....Right weird....Eventualy Peaches, I mean Vlad, I mean Peaches, I mean Vlad, I mean Peaches began to tire. "Impaler!!!ATTACK THE INFIDEL!!!"Yelled Peaches. But instead of seeing a spear coming at my head I saw...nuthin'. "Impaler?"Questioned Peaches, I mean Vlad, I mean Peaches, I mean Vlad, I mean Peaches. He soon saw Impaler dancing with the people that had circled around them. Soon Peaches, I mean Vlad, I mean Peaches, I mean Vlad, I mean Peaches began to cry. Hating to see such a violent man filled with sorrow I went over to comfort him. "Its okay ELP, I mean Vlad....Let it go."

And Vlad let it go. Impaler is currently called Em-PaL3R and is a quite rich rapper. George Bush is still a wanker. The Impalees and Brothers of the Warren joined B-boy crews to form ELP...wait a minute....

-Words marked with a *-
Mascottio:The Shuggalug word for "mascot".
Fly boy:Street talk for a real good dancer.
Genn-u-wine:The Shuggalug word for "genuine".
Shuggalug:A vocabulary of broken english,japanease,spanish and armenian words, used in Genghas Town.
Mofo-mahoma:The Shuggalug word for "Beatnik".
Sherpa:The Shuggalug word for "trouble".
ELP:A art rock band, consisting of Keith Emerson, Greg Lake and Karl Palmer....wait a minute...
Scoot:The Shuggalug word for "Sack Dance".
Gonzo maffusa:The Shuggalug word for "Family Jewels".
GNS:A Greased Naked Scottsman.


Vlad The Butcher
Farmer Palmer


Oi'm tellin' you it be true. One morning, oi was looking over moi field, when I saw Vlad creepin' up behind Betsy The Cow. Oi fired at him with moi shotgun, but it was futile. He slaughtered Betsy. In anger, oi released moi genetically-modified, mutant killer hamsters, Bob, Bob 2 and Bobbette. They swarmed all over Vlad and disintergrated
him. For a reward, oi let them eat what was left of Betsy.

P.S. They are NOT kept in bare, desolate cages( the hamsters, that is) . No, they are kept in their own separate barn.


He's here with me
Countess Dracula


Since I was 8 years old, I've been feeling my blood boiling sometimes.
Now I'm 18 years old and I had many dreams with Vlad. I dreamed that I was walking in a place without anyone under the moonlight, with a long red dress, like mediaeval one. My black hair was very long. I heared some footsteps behind me. I looked around and I saw nothing.
I heared again, but when I looked back I saw a long-haired man, dressing beautiful clothes like a real Count. I lost my movements and his eyes were consuming my energy. He came near me slowly and gave a kiss. After he disappeared. When I woke up I was still feeling his lips on mine. And those dreams now is reality. I play RPG and made my character the Dracul's daughter, called Mary Tepes Dracul. And I still play with her.
Vlad appeared again in my room. He told me that I'm his promised and I always will be.
I love him...so does he. We're connected by destiny.
Believe if you want.


Beware the Skinny-Ankled One from Canadia
very nice girl


I was walking down the street one day, when I saw his evilness. That's right. It was S. Max, the evil emperor of the province of Canadia. This evil Canadan looks like Mr. Clean with fangs of a dinosaur, except he's not all that clean. He has eyes like burned sulfur and drools like a stoned pit bull that has rabies. But the surest sign of this being the Canadan DOOM himself is his little tiny ankles. What does this have to do with Vlad? I'll tell you.

So I was going down the street, singing a song. What was it? oh yeah, it was Alberkerque. No, its spelled Alberquerque. No..., anyway it was by Wierd Al. I was singing this, and this guy walks up. It's Vlad the Impaler. He steals my headset. "No!" I scream. "I got that from my Grandma at Christmas!" "Just joking." Vlad says. Then he gives it back. Isn't he silly?

So I'm still listening to Albercercie (Alberkeirque?) and Vlad is following me to the store because I was going to buy him a lime slushie (he likes lime slushies). Then the evil ruler of Canadia shows up and steals my money then beats up Vlad. "Hey!" I said that's not nice! You made Vlad cry! And I need that money for some slushies!" S. Max doesn't care.

"Why I'll tie you up by your little tiny ankles, Freak!" I yell. so we fight. I nearly had him, but then he got away, stealing my headset as well. Vlad cries harder, because we couldn't get slushies. However, I had ripped off S. Max's rat-fur toupee and sold it to a guy on the street saying it was chewing tobacco. then we bought the slushies.

When we left the store, S. Max was terrorizing a lost little girl. I tried to pour my slushie on him. It should have stunned him, but it didn't work. Vlad had to make the ultimate sacrifice. He had to give up his lime slushie for the greater good. I was so proud of him. Too bad it didn't work. S. Max got so mad that he kicked us to Kansas City. I managed to get my money back, but I had to spend all of it on the bus fare home and Vlad couldn't get another slushie. He cried all the way.

If you see this evil, skinny-ankled Canadan bully, tell him I said shame on him. He's a very bad boy.


Vlad lives in the sewers!
Sajam


I was walking one day in New Yourk City singing merry broadstreet jingles eating fresh made corn dogs, when i heard a sound coming from the gutter. I stopped in my tracks and gasped for breath. I recently saw the X-Files episode "Taffyman". I thought it was him. I ran to the gutter but ... IT WAS VLAD! He whispered to me, " The Ottoman Empire will be revived. I ran non-stop to my home in Orange Count,California yelling for no apparent reason.


Hey, Im Impaled!
SpEcIAl


I was just gonna get some cheese burgers from BurgerKing when like, I

saw this ugly decrepit guy who looked like, 600 years old. So anyway,

I like, said "Eeeewww!" y'know, because like, this guy was sooooo out

of style, I mean this guy thought he could just put on like, any old

rags and go out in public. Anyway, this guy like, got sooooo mad I

mean, he got mad like, some guy whose rights got taken away. Huh,

like he had a right to go dressed like, some sorta twilight zone

freak. Anyway, so like, this guy took out a spear and like, impaled

me, I mean, like, that was soooooo rude, and like y'know.......hey,

wait a minute, Im supossed to be like, dead, y'know.........


Vlad The Fish
Anonymous


Vlad was turned into a fish by an evil cow named cowycow.Vlad lives in my pond.That is how I know.He is a 21 foot long bluegill.I caught him once when I was fishing with my brother.He thought my brother was the cow that turned him into a fish(my brother could have been that cow.I hear him moo al the time)so he impaled my brother.My brother just mooed and fell into the pond.I only saw Vlad one more time.That was when my dad came home from fishing at our pond.My dad's arm was in Vlad's mouth.Vlad had biten my dad.My dad turned into a vampire after that and started sucking blood out of mutant,rabid weasils that he raized!!!!!!!This might not sound true,but it is true 100%The b****** impaled my brother and turned my dad into a vampire!!!

James Tyler Dreibelbs


I think he is right........
HERE!


HERE! Vlad has shown up at my house for a cup of RPG. Not knowing why, I gave him a diskette, and he threw it at me. "I want a cup of RPG now!" So I offered him a cup of Turkish delights, and he almost impaled me.

Warning: If he shows up asking for a cup of RPG, just give him your computer, and maybe he'll leave you alone.


Vlad Was Killed By One Of Goku's Ancestors
Goku


Vlad the impaler is dead.He died in battle in 1476.I should know.I'm Goku the great,great,great,great(the greats would keep going,but I'm not going to type them)grandsn of Gotune,a great warrior that killed Vlad.When Vlad was dead Gotune detroyed his body with a very powerful kame hame ha.Vlad's ghost still terrized and impales people,though.


Vladiator!
Squinty Mc Phee


I was visiting the local observatory because I was going to draw spiders on the big lens of the big telescope. I stared through to admire my handiwork and a light shot through it and blinded me. When I woke up I was in Ancient Rome. I was in the collesseummm next to the emporer, Bob the Hamster. (I myself am not surprise he was emporer as hamsters are first-class, top quality creatures.) The gladiators had been eaten by the lions except one who at a closer look was the one, the only, VLAD THE IMPALER!!!!! He killed all the lions and freed the hamsters inside and the crowd cheered because he had brainwashed them with the shrimps he put in the wine. He threw his sword in the air and did a victory dance but it came down on his head and his brains splatted all over the arena. I was beamed up by an alien spaceship which was flown by the space hamsters of planet fantastic and I praised them and i got home.

The moral of this story is, Victory dances are bad for your health and provide hamster food.


Vlad and his Sword called Elvis
Squinty Mc Phee


Vlad was asked by the president to vanquish the beast in the hills. He grabbed his sword and walked off.
It was easy but the monster was hard to kill. Vlad unleashed his hamsters but they ran off to make a website. Vlad only had his sword. He had been told that it had the spirit of someone in but Vlad could not work out who. He unleashed his sword but it could not peirce the creatures butt. He was about to give up when Elvis Preslies voice sang out. It was so awful the monster was destroyed and Vlad and Elvis set out on an epic journey to destroy The Evil Bad-dude who ,was always in every story in some shape or form.


Vlad The inventor.
Oh, talkative one.


Shew that last bout was close! I barely escaped with my head! Don't understand me? Well that's probobly because I haven't told you yet. I was in a rush to get to the computer to record this for all you to hear about.
I live in a realy creapy neighborhood, with realy creepy people, and realy creepy houses and... you get the picture?
Well anyway, now that you know my surroundings, you might understand my situation.
I Was Exploring the town's forested area( I like exploring places.) When I came upon a lage steep hill that was shrouded with trees. So I, being in the forest couldn't see what was on top, was curious so I seeked to see what was up there.
When I got to the top there was this tower. Yea, a big one at that. The windows were glowing red with light. Then yellow. And then I heard someone screaming,"AHHHH!!!! My hair is on fire", in some unknown language. uhhhhh don't ask..
I decided to go check it out.
I got up to the door and knocked..
"does somebody need help in there?!" I said loudly.
A voice came from inside that was harsh that said "No Go Away! I am Bussy right now!"
"sheesh." I said, "At least now he is speaking english..." I thaught.
So I was still curious on what he was doing so I peeked in the window. ( I know that is impolite... But What the hey. I was realy curious. I mean wouldn't you be even a little curious if you saw strange lights coming from the windows?)

I had no idea what would meet my eyes through that glass portal...What?...But I saw....VLAD!
"oooooooh... Cool metal type thingy." I said When I looked and saw a strange contraption standing in the middle oh a huge laboratory with Vlad standing by it making some finishing touches.
Alow me to describe it for you.
It was huge! It had two long mechanicle arms, each had thes sharp thingies attatched to them. Also It kinda resembled a Mechanicle suit that I see in cartoons. It was pretty cool I thaught. It was then that I realized that this was a weapon Of Mass destruction!
"hmmmmmmmm.... Run!!( I am a coward. And a stupid one too.)My racket of escape triggered a chain reaction. First a pot crashed and shattered, then a cat got hit so it screemed. Then an old statue of some guy holding a rapier I never notice before fell down on the walls of the old tower and knocked them down.
By then The old Mad scientist Vlad Got FIERIOUS! He jumped in to the mechanicle suit with surprising agility saying, "Now to test my invension!" I thaught he was kinda trigger happy if you ask me.
I ran down the hill as fast as I could. The kinetic energy kept me at a steady pace of about 25mph. While The old doctor Vlad Ran after me at about 50mph with his machine.
Apearently I was far slower than his machine but I managed to get him trapped between two trees so I could escape to the safety of my house.
when I got there I realized that I was not safe in my house....
I called the police and they said they'd get here in oh, about a day!
So here I am waiting and writing. I think he's still stuck in those trees, So I am realatively safe. For now anyway.
So thats what happened. That's Why I am soo tired, exhausted, scared stupid, and worried. Maybe one of you guys might read this and come to my rescue. You'll probobly get here before the cops will. Well I gotta go answer the door now.. write to you later.

PS: Please get here soon.....
PPS: I answered the door and it said hi....
PPPS: OK now I realy answered the fdoor and it i\s VladA! what should I do!? I am typing fast please send help. I am oin Nebracska at the town of Elkhorn! adresss 16402 I forgot the rest hurrry!




Vlad and The Immortal Zeppilin.
Scrappy Goodatnothing


Vlad as on the run. He had stolen a priceless SMILEY (The Smily Face Museum Mascot) from The Smiley Face Museum that was made from gold. He was insane. He had already killed thousands of innocent hamsters (how could he, they are so fantastic!) and was speeding at 1000000 mph on a stolen moped that was steaming at the engine. He tore past the airport where the Bears were testing a flamethrowing plane. The flame hit Vlad's moped went flying in an explosion of fire, moped debris and apple cores that were there for no apparent reason except your own ammusement. He ran, and in the background played the tune of Chariots Of Fire. (Or in Vlad's case, Mopeds Of Fire) He saw his arch enemy smiley on the side of a zeppilin. He was even more insane than before! He leapt into the cockpit on a suicide mission to rid the world of Smiley, whom everybody loved. He drove it into the air thinking, "Die Smiley, Die!" and then real;ised the police were following him in bi-planes. He took out his Immortaliser, (His own invention) and Immortalised the Zeppilin. Now he could not be shot down. He drove it into Mt. Can'tthinkofagoodname but he did not die, and neither did the million Smileys on board. He would have to unimortalise it. He did. The HSS (Hamsters Secret Service) shot him down and all the Smileys Died. Yahoo for the hamsters! They are so brilliant and amazing and all the other words that meen this that I don't have time to write down but it wouldn't mater because no words can describe how great (and how wonderous I think) hamsters are.


Vlob, The Blob That Looks Like Vlad
That Guy


I went down to Leicester Market and I saw Vlad trying to buy some oranges. He didn't have enough money though. He got very angry and transformed into a giant blob. "Oh no" I yelled "it's Vlob!". "Yum, yum, eat 'em up", he said as he ate the man (and lots of other people).
Soon, the police, the FBI, the SWAT team and the army were on the scene but their weapons did not harm Vlob. "Yum, yum, eaty 'em up," he said as he ate them.
Then, through the sky flew many helicopters. "It's the Hamstercopters," I yelled as hamster troopers slid down ropes and pressed their backpacks which created robot suits over their bodies.
"Yum, yum, eat 'em up," said Vlob as he grabbed a copter. It sent a zap of into his eyes. He fell paralyzed to the ground and the hamster-robot-suits leapt on him and beat him up. He shrunk to his normal self and vanished in a puff of un-smoke.

P.S. The Hamstercopters were given medals and wood-chew toys for their trouble.



hiding out in a pick up
Anonymous


i saw him the big impaler himself layin in the back of a ford f-150 with a big red thing on the side of him. he was in back of the lays factory and living of potatoe chips. he gets these by threting to impale them


Vlad and the Imperial Soldeir
Cecil X Paladin


I was dreaming..... I was a soldier. I was sent to Vlad's castle to spy on him. I stayed close to a wall but a one of the guards caught me and alarmed the other guards. I was seize and brought to Vlad.
Vlad: A spy, huh?
I shed no reply.
Vlad: TELL ME! WHO SENT YOU?!
He holds a bloody spear at my face
I still don't reply and the guards sqeeze tighter.
Vlad: Take this!
He lashes the spear across my face, leaving bloody mark.
I say nothing still.
Vlad: Guards! take him to the jail room!
When we get through the door, the door creeks shut*
The two guards are holding my arms. I double side kick knocking them both away, the the guard behide me stabs a sword through my back.
Me: You wanna piece of me...?
I turned around to the guard behind me.
Hes amazed that im still standing, athough the pain on my face and the sword through my stomach hurts.
I take the sword from out of my back and slash the guard's armor, breaking it in half. The guard runs away.
I go through the big door and then I see Vlad again.
Unfortunatly the minor hole in my stomach has gotten to me, and I fall backwards, uncounsious.
I awake in a prison cell, I see a girl behind me.
Girl: Hello, you have fainted and been brount back here, I healed you.
I then notice that there is no hold in my stomatch and no scar on my face( I see in a puddle that there is no scar in my face more likely )
Me: Are you a cleric?
Girl: Yes, a white mage as some call.
I notice the sword I was carrying is no longer with me.
Me: Can you enchant?
Girl: Only a little, I can only enchant unsolid things.
Me: What kind of enchanting, black or white?
Girl: I can enchant, well; here,let me show you.
She murmers some words and the puddle I was looking at turns to ice.
Me: Incredible, can you enchant this for me?
I throw a cup of was in the air. She then murmers somthing again and then fire rains down in a small area, then landing on the puddle of ice, melting the little puddle.
Me: Hmmm, I have an idea.
I get the empty cup and fill it with the melted ice, throw it in the air and she murmers some words and the water turns to lighting destroying the prison cell. Then some guards come and see whats happening and I take off my ripped shirt and throw it above the guards. Then, the girl enchants it with fire and the guards are runing around sceaming like little girls.
Me: Hah!
Girl: Quick, lets get out of here!
We then exit through a door and enter in a long hall way, I figure out that the only thing unsolid is water and really weak clothing.
So here I am, shirtless. Running in the really long hallway then there is a door, I open the door, it leads to Vlad. A guard comes near me with a long sword. I kick him and the sword goes flying in the air, I catch it. The only thing I have left is my pants, im not throwing that on the sword! So the girl takes something from her pocket, and sprays the sword. Then she murmers some words and the sword lights on fire. I come up to Vlad. I take the sword and lash at him, salshing him across the face, he gets up from his throne, and in one wave of the hand across his face, his cut his healed. I back away as Vlad is grinning. He wistles and more soldiers come and take the Girl.
Me: NOOO!!
I use a whirl-wind attack and all the guards are knocked out except for one, that stabs the girl in the back.
Me: ARGH!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I then grab the guard by the neck, sqeeze my hands and jab the sword through his neck.
I drop the soldier.
I take the girl by the head and lift her up by the back, I think she is dead until she opens here eyes and says "Thank you"
She closes her eyes.
I place here on the ground, when I do, I learned her healing spells and enchanting spells. I murmer "hockdavos, amazous" then the tears in my hand turn to like no other element I have ever seen. It glows with the radiant of lighting, its as cold as ice and burns like fire.
Then radiant heat from my body makes this power sorce grow bigger.
I throw this at Vlad. Hes grinning and then his grin, turns to screams as he is zapped, freezed and on fire. He dies and falls over, Thats not the last of him, I'm thinking. As the girl lies there dead, the gods are nice, and grant me the power of revive. I walk to her, as all the powers from my body is going to my hands and out of my hands, into her body. She opens her eyes, and smiles.....
The End


Vlad vs maniac chainsaw killer
Psycho Commentator


AAAAAAAnd this is it! The final of the mad guys association of wacked out wierdos!In the red corner is Vlad the Impaler! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!In the blue corner is the maniac chainsaw killer! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! And they're off and Vlad is using a chainsaw blunter!!!!!!YAAY! Look at that chainsaw! It's totally useless! Oh No! Maniac Chainsaw killer is using garlic bread and hot cross buns! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Vlad has run through the door! But wait is that thunder I can hear! ( Vlad rumbles in on a tank ) Now theres nothing in the rules about not usin a tank! And Maniac chainsaw killer is running through the wall and he's coming back in a flying saucer!BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! And the rubbles clearing and yes, the winner is............Vlad the Impaler!!! AND HERES THE TROPHY..........( hands Vlad trophy which looks like a straightjacket on a stick ) and thats it for now, join us next week for a new unexpected match!


Vlad profiled
Giga


All those pathetic attempts to guess who Vlad is, when the answer is that obvious. Just use modern profiling techniques!

Vlad is a vampire, who only lives at night. The only people who can live at night today without drawing attention to themselves are computer geeks.

Vlad is mad for power. So he certainly lives in the world's biggest superpower today, the USA. He will have chosen the continental USA without Alaska (too much running water there, can't cross it), but as far away as possible from his old european enemies, the vampire hunters (i.e. west), and as far away from the equator (direct sun!)as possible (i.e. north).

Vlad is out for world domination, so he needs lots of money. He must own a big company today. To achieve his goals, he also needs influence, so his product must be used by all important people.

Sum it up. Vlad must be a very rich computer geek in the northwest corner of the USA, with a big company producing something used by almost everybody. And that leaves...



my boyfriend is Vlad
Banpaia


Ever since i met him last year, I've been convinced that my boyfriend is a Vampire, and, telling by his name, Vlad, and the fact that he's admitted that he is a vampire, it's really very obvious. He wears nothing but black, he always stays in the shade and has sunglasses on if we go outside, he dosen't talk a lot so his fangs won't show, he's incredibly strong, he has black hair, dark brown eyes, he's tall and skinny but strong (as i've said before), he refuses to look at any kind of cross, and he won't look at a wound that someone has because of the blood, all of our teachers say he's evil, he listens to Rock 'n' Roll and Heavy Metal, he has millions of ideas for tourturing people and animals, and he always tends to look at peoples necks in a strange way. Also, the last time we hugged eachother, i could feel his breath on my neck. And I also found out that my name, Banpaia, mean 'Vampire' in Japanese. weird, huh?


Vlad With A Jetpack
Haddock


As I walked down a street I saw something in the sky. Was it a bird? No! Was it a plane? No! Was it a Vlad? Almost. It was Vlad on a Super-Destructo-Slaughter-Jetpack (with special edition Exploding Blade Shooters)!
He swooped low, firing exploding blades into a nearby block of flats. It fell down and landed on 20 people, 5 cars and a lorry. "Oops," said Vlad "I didn't mean to do that. Ah, what the heck." He then flew at another flat. I thought we where doomed. Then his engines spontaeniously exploded for no apparent reason. He flew smack into the flat but it fell down anyway. A large amount of rubble fell on my head.
When I woke up I was in a hospital bed with severe brain damage. Oh no. Dying..... I'm dying.......................

R.I.P Haddock.


vlad the retailer
Anonymous


its my understanding that vlad [he prefers "vladimir"] is owner and operator of a haberdashery in salem ohio,the only impaling he does now is when he's careless with a tie tack.he is a member of the local eagles club and can often be found deep in his cups reminiscing about the good old days whwn his canines werent prosthetic, when really drunk he plays"peg o my heart"on the juke box till the bar keep throws him out, of course by then he has to go home because" you know what " is starting to come up, vlad burns very easily even with zink! a strange fellow vladimir, but hes part of the community!


Vlad and me
Gerby 1


Forget all the crack you heard about Vlad. He's my pal. We have all sorts of fun. We attack Communists and then eat them. We also go on all kinds of Kangaroos. That's right, we ride giant kangaroos. They are Vlad's kangaroos because he threated to eat them if they did not do every thing, down to the tiniest detail right. He only had to impale 3 kangaroos before they got the message. We also go and scare the little kids. Vlad says little kids taste good. Vlad has a hamster named Jim the Impaler. Jim sharpens anything he can get his teeth around. Vlad gives jim stakes to sharpen for him. Jim likes no other animal. One time a gnome got into the titanium cage. Well, in 2 minutes that gnome had more holes than Vlad had enemies. I have improved the lives of everyone by taking Vlad to angermanagement classes. He has gone 6 times and only eaten 5 instructors. He just dismembered the 6th. Me and Vlad have so much fun everyday it is no wonder he's improving his life.


vlad works at seven eleven
rainbow shoelaces have i


i went to seven eleven to buy a microwaveable burrito and a big gulp, and the guy who was working there was vlad the impaler. he was rud, and he kept mumbling under his breath how he was snet from the 7th circle of hell to spread the blood of the innocent, whatever. he impaled my burrito and my big gulp and then he asked me out. about then i ran screaming out of seven eleven. while doing this i left my burrito but i am not going back for it.


Vlad the Impaling Stake
Mama Ham


There was no Vlad the guy. The impaler was really an evil pointed stick that shot out of bushes and killed people. Then he set the corpses on the trees outside of the prince of Romania's house. People just assumed Vlad the prince had put them there.So the story of the evil killer of peasants began.


Vlad in Small Town
Wi2k


I saw "Vlad Was Here" on a wall at the high school in Eloy, Arizona, A small town in between Phoneix and Tucson. after he wrote it i saw him riding off on a skateboard. (I bet he was wearing Vans)


Vlad: Master Breakdancer!
That One Guy


Yeah! He is! He's really good! I mean, now he goes by Juan, but he's still the same old Vlad at heart. He still enjoys impaling the petty humans of this earth and sacking innocent villages is always one of his favorites, but he has a new passion nowadays: Breakdancing! Yeah, that's right, folks! I was at this one club, and all of a sudden Vlad came storming in from the crowd! It was really cool! His hair was combed and bloodless and his teeth were all straightened up (the wonders of dentistry...) but he still was awesome! The floor cleared for him (mostly because he threatened the impaling of anyone who ruined his dance) and he busted a move. I tell you, it was just awesome. I really think he should quit day job and become a professional breakdancer!

-- Tomorrow, today!


Vlad vs Vlad !!!
Collector of lint


Vlad the guy has killed Vlad the bot. After loosing to Mechavore Vlad the bot went into hiding knowing what would happen if Vlad the guy found him. After hiding in the sewer for 1 week Vlad discovered him. Vlad the bot desperatly tried to flee only to have his own weapon stuck through his wheel. Vlad the guy the continued to chop up the unfortunate robot. Finally using Vlad's own fuel he set the bot on fire. After destroying Vlad he went after other bots. His next target is Vladiator and the the builder of these bots. So watch out.


vlad & bat guano.
Rydia


Bat guano. Nature's beautiful way of say, "Hello; I am here." What does bat guano truly have to do with anything?

Everything, of course.

Deep in the caves of the Moorumba reserve, Botswana. A glimmer of sunlight appears. A small voice, whispering hesitantly, "cheese....cheese..."

I first began my quest on the knowledge of the Guano when I was very young. Just out of high school, my mind was fresh and alive with wonder at how my life would be like, what choices I would make. I checked the mailbox one day to find a letter addressed to me. The return address was very unfamiliar and I started to throw it away...but something inside of me told me to open it. I read the contents:

"Hello. You don't know me, but you will. You need to help me. I'm trapped. There isn't any time to explain; enclosed is one ticket to Botswana. Ask for Edward. Please hurry. Sincerely, Vlad"

Now, I don't know any Vlad. I didn't know anything about Botswana, or even what continent it was on, but I'm not one to simply stand by and watch someone suffer--he said he was trapped! I must do something.

When I exited the plane, I saw the tiny man with a sign.

"My, you're tiny," I said.

"I know," he said. Thus began our twenty year love affair, full of intrigue and wonder--but that's off the subject.

When we got into the car, I noticed something. My shoe. What was on my shoe? I wondered. Then it occurred to me: 'tis bat guano. Actually, to tell the truth, it didn't occur to me. My chouffer, Gimpy, said while driving me to my destination, "So what's a li'l lady doin' all alone in Bo'swana?" I ignored him for the time being. I was mean, you see, because of the leprechaun in my head. That silly leprechaun gave me the strangest headaches when he got angry: his name was Bob, by the way. But he's dead now.

Anyway, as I was saying, there was a certain smell eminating from my shoe. I said to Gimpy, "You know, there is the strangest smell eminating from my shoe." He said, "Yeah, yo' prob'bly stepped in som' bat guano."

"Bat guano?"

"Yea', quite a del'cacy 'round here."

I felt as though a light from above had struck my brow, causing the beautiful cascading energies down my spine. I knew this was my destiny: bat guano.

For the next several years, I studied and labored upon bat guano extensively. I travelled the world preaching bat guano's benefits to society, and the world! I was a champion for the little man, for the small, tinny voice that demanded to be heard: "We want our bat guano!" I graduated from Botswana University first in my class, earning a Ph. D. in guanology. Twenty years after that fact, I suddenly disappeared.

How?

Vlad, of course.

He had heard of my accomplishments somehow (probably with the aid of a small television set in his cave) and became insanely jealous. He was stuck for eternity in that bat cave, and he knew he was doomed to never return to the outside world. As soon as I had gotten to the cave, he came at me with a shriek, covered in guano and bat skins. He clubbed me and locked me in here for thirty years. I survived upon licking the moss of some poor rock during that time...but then I too did what Vlad himself could not do. I escaped.

Eventually I reappeared in the Amazon and converted to Catholicism. I joined the Order of the Wikkisolusa as a nun, and have been living there since. Not many people still remember the aspiring doctor of guanology, but--

What is it that you ask? How did I escape?

Well, that's another story. But I'll tell you one thing: if it wasn't for cheese, I wouldn't be here talking to you today.



Vlad the pirate creator
Red Beard


Arrrr it be true. Vlad the impaler be a pirate. After his supposed death he jumped on a ship bent for spain. Unfortuantly the ship was attacked by German subs. Vlad angry that his ride to a new life of carnage had been cut short, jumped on the subs and tore em open.
He then chopped off the arms of all who opposed him. He then gave em hooks to wear as hands. Eventually Vlad chopped off legs and eyes as well. Vlad and his new pirate army decided to work with the British and plunder spanish ships from then on.


The Whereabouts of Me-*ehem* Vlad
dont use peprika for a substitute of deodorant


I, I mean, Vlad is not to be found as a lunch lady who admires Bin Ladjens big nose and Santa Annas big toe. He is certainly not the owner of a Piggly Wiggly in Louisianna, who enjoys parades of chimpanzees and llamas. And on top of all of this, Vlad does not watch Zoolander atleast three times a day, while eating egg drop soup. Vlad is a wonderfully humble old man who owns a farm in Antartica, who enjoys nice strolls with the penguins, and is counting down the days until his birthday in 98 years.


Mad, Mad, Leroy Vlad(c)
Czarina Lemon-Pepper*


One day i made up a song when this ugly old skeletonous figure came
and stole all the cheese in the blender. my brother comes and turns
him into a cheesemonkey(c) while i notice that the window is open and
vlad comes in to the house. thats when my bro gets his rifle and
shoots him, but vlad is already dead and can't die no more. so elvis
comes, but vlad eats him and then my bro leaves to make popcorn for
me and him to eat for lunch, but then vlad gets my bro to dance a
tango with the mop and i get mad and have to make the popcorn myself.
now why did all of this happen?

Cause he's Mad, Mad, Leroy Vlad
Mad, Mad, Leroy Vlad
Mad, Mad, Leroy Vlad
Mad, Mad, Leroy Vlad

So, i got my popcorn and watch vlad and my bro fight it out with a
pow and a bang and a ow ow ow. vlad got his spear, bro got his m1
rifle. vlad stole the rifle so now bro must use his cromy rifle,
which he got for one-hundred-fifty-five bucks, dollars, euros, yen or
whatever we use wherever we live, which is some special place on the
other side of...back to vlad who jumped out the window leaving a note
in dragon letters that said he won't be back if we leave four-million-
five-hundred-sixty-two-thousand-twelve-hundred-fourty-seven.seventy-
eight credits in the dead, buggy tree across the street, but why?

Because he's Mad, Mad, Leroy Vlad
Mad, Mad, Leroy Vlad
SHUTUPANDHURRYUPWITHTHESONG,(insert favorite expletive here)

The note said some other things that we couldn't understand like:
forget-doggie-likes-many-monies-FRIDAY GET MILK!-and-ruby-done-lost-
her-shoe, stuff like that but we didn't send our money to the dead,
buggy tree, we're too poor, and he came back saying some stuff like,
hands on head! bro took his cromy rifle and stuffed it in the bloody
turkey that dad hunted and vlad tried to eat before he did but it was
too late and vlad got heartburn real bad but then bro wanted the
rifle, so with a gok and a goosh and a ow ow ow, vlad turned inside
out and the cromy rifle fell out. vlad said he'd be back but we
punched him in his face and he changed his mind. why?

CAUSE HE'S MAD, MAD, LEROY VLAD!!!!!

duh


Fried Dragon is right/Elvis and Squirrels 3
Catherine and Katie are funnier than me


Fried Dragon is right. Vlad is controlling the hamsters, clones, and postal workers. And, he has the entire Squirrel Empire. And all this time, I had thought that the hamsters were on our side... but if they were not, why were they being infiltrated by the squirrels and evil flying monkey evil zombie apples (although that was before Tails destroyed all the apples and met Kirby. Long story.)? Wait, I've got it! With Bob as their leader, some of the hamsters (mostly the ones running this site)have left Vlad's alliance! We will need the help of all the forces Fried Dragon mentioned, AND the ones I mentioned to destroy Vlad the Impaler and his evil minion/alter ego (Farran still hasn't gotten it straight) Elvis! So now, we must all go and {GASP} NO! HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN? I SENT MORE THAN 8 PACKAGES TO BE DELIVERED! NOW THE EVIL FORCES OF VLAD WILL DISCOVER MY SECRET HIDEOUT, TAILS'S LABORATORY, AND KIRBY'S HOME PLANET! Unless...
Mattias the Warrior and my other Redwall friends and me can fight off this evil hamster army right here! {Story now enters third person for no good reason}
All throughout the secret base, hamsters, mice, foxes, hedgehogs, moles, etc. and the anonymous writer of this story (hereafter referred to as "Author") are fighting. Author is excellent at archery, and hits countless evil hamsters with arrows. They reach the rebels, and Mattias starts to show his incredible swordfighting talent. Many brave shrews and good hamsters are killed, as well as Author's shrew friend, Fatch. I then get really mad and killed one of the leaders. Then, Author yelled to Mattias, "Look out behind you!" The evil Marlhamster (I'll explain what those are some other day) Ziral was sneaking up behind him. Ziral swung at Mattias with his deadly axe, but Mattias jumped around to his side and slashed him. {Back to 1st person}
The remaining evil hamsters fled, but, knowing that the information could not reach Vlad OR my principal's alien toupee, we went after them, untill we reached their robot reinforcements, Tails showed up to help us, and the real battle of that day began. Long story short: We won, and Vlad did not find out, nor did the principal's toupee.
So, our rebellion lives on... for now...


He's Ferahgo the Assasin!
Catherine and Katie are funnier than me


My pet hamsters came up with this astounding theory!

If you read the Redwall books, you would know that Ferahgo (from the book Salamandastron) kills lots of people in somewhat similar ways to Vlad's. Although, of course, Ferahgo gets killed, so who he is now is unknown...

I'll get my hamsters on that in a second, he dies too often for me to catch up...


Dude! Where's my Vlad?!?!
* light88


-Dude! you had him last!
-Dude! I so did not even!
-OMG! you lost Vlad Dude!
-NO, wait Dude! I'm wearing him on my Boxers!
-DUDE! It's Vlad we're looking for, not plad!
-Oh, Sorry Dude


Dreams
Elizabeth


Every time i dream,i see Vlad in my dreams. Every dream i have i always get cutt, when i wake up im bleeding and it scares me. In one of them he said, "we meet again my love", it's cool,but scarey.
Every dream i have, hes in it and hes always smileing at me when i look at him and hes always by my side. At night i always feel like im being watched,its spooky.


strigoi + vampires (can't spell strigoi)
Dumah


i was watching this thing on tv one time where they told parts of the history of Vlad and all that crap... they interviewed some of the people of romania and they were going on about something called "Strigoi." I don't know how it's spelled but it was pronunciated Stri-Goy. Anyway, strigoi is supposed to be the spirits of the dead reincarnated as animals who take revenge for the wrong done against them or something like that. the villages in romania are frequently attacked by wolves and such who come into the village, kill a specific family or group of people that oddly is linked in some way to a deceased person and they take nothing when they leave, as if they actually were reincarnated spirits taking revenge. The vampire dracula theory i guess came from this somehow and that explains why vampires are supposed to be impaled to be killed, guess its supposed to be some sort of irony.

Anyway i hate the whole dracula vampire thing, I go by the vampires are the decendants of cain from the bible idea, the evil man who was the first person to ever kill another person. He killed his own brother able because god favored able's sacrifices, and he was cursed for killing able, making him have a longer life than normal people (Which could be a curse because you would have to watch everyone you've ever loved die), and he had to kill to survive, feeding off the blood of those he killed, causing him to be hated by many, many people. I also prefer the "Vampires heal more rapidly than humans which is why they need to be impaled to be killed theory, because if the object they were killed with is left in the wound then the wound cannot seal, so, i like that a lot better than the whole dracula thing."

Because of that i also hate the vampires being unholy evil beasts, and the cross crap. God punished cain for killing, god punished us for sinning and disobeying his law, does that mean we're evil and unholy? well i guess today you could say most of us are evil and unholy, but we weren't always. Also the holy water thing, i don't believe it would have to be holy water, i believe that it could be any water used to kill a vampire. Vampires are supposed to be the corpses of the humans that were fed on by other vampires reanimated, which explains why they need to drink blood, corpses don't produce blood anymore. and I think that if you poured water on a corpse it would cause it to decay faster, actually i know that a wet corpse would decay faster because in budhism some of the priests of the temples tried to self mummify themselves so they would eat only nuts, bark, pine needles and other things like that to dry themselves up in life. they'd also drink some sort of tea that was actoually a poison and made you throw up, but this tea would remove something from your body which would prevent maggots and bacteria from eating away your corpse.

And i just now looked over most of the posts and it didn't look like anyone was serious, but i guess it's not a serious topic, vlad the impaler still alive. but i'm just saying what i know k?

anyway i think i've gone on long enough about that... and no i don't believe vampires are real


I am Vlad!
The mysterious, unknown person in charge of the BBC


And not only do I have hamsters, postal workers, Elvis, hpihdribhippdas, squirrels, and a clone army, but I use mind control via the BBC! Somehow, nobody has ever tried to stand up and replace the BBC with a private company, but they'll soon learn their lesson...


[Vlad Dracul, Prince of Wallachia, Draconis]
Escaped


Vlad Dracul as you have cited on your webpage was a noblemen from the Slavic regions of southeastern Europe. Mortally the man is dead, but I assure you that the spirit of Vlad still haunts this earth. Vlad as you stated was a member of the Order of the Dragon, but it was only a Christian Order on the surface, secretly the Order of the Dragon were worshippers of Baphomet, hence the use of "Dragon" in their title. Most had served in the Knights Templar in Jerusalem, who brought the craft of Freemasonry back to Europe. It is by dark secret Masonic ritual that the spirit of Vlad still "lives" today. There was a "temple" built by the Draconis Order in Romania during the 15th Century, its upper superstructure was long ago destroyed but beneath the site there lies buried a room long hidden and forgotten by men. This room was built to resemble the hidden inner chamber of King Solomon's Temple. It is here that the tortured spirit of Vlad Dracul abides in fear of the appointed time of judgement. To him or those that can see what I have presented here and can feel its truth deep within their bones, take heed and abandon the search for Vlad and others like him, or one day others may write of you as a monster of Draculian proportions.



Happy lil' tale all over again
dA m00 mAn


Mr. Squirrel Jr. never learned what happened to Mr. Squirrel Sr. He was having a good day in the new, rebuilt land of Sunshine. He happily said hello to Mr. Bird, Mr. and Ms. Fox, and all the other creatures of Sunshine. He sang a happy song about all good things. Then he came across Mr. Vlad the Impaler. Mr. Vlad the Impaler attacked him, then Mr. Squirrel dodged him and stuffed him into his cheeks, then spat him into a fire, burning Vlad alive. He went on to his favorite spot to look for nuts, feeling much safer because Vlad was no longer trying to kill him. He began to sing some more, and then a big eagle, the natural enemy of all the happy, soon-to-be-dead residents of Sunshine, swooped down and killed him. The eagle decided that Sunshine was a good place for him to live, so he killed and enslave all the other once-happy residents of Sunshine.

The morals of this story are: Don't play with matches, don't die, and, most important of all, The Xenoned don't taste so good.


Bread is MURDER!


Vlad, Convicted
sad, furious freak


Tragically, just a few days ago the police came to my house to inform me that my boyfriend, Andrew, was hit by a drunken driver.

But that's not what happened.

Andrew was killed by Vlad the Impaler. I know because of the dream I had. It went like this:

I had rescued 27 tadpoles from my grandpa's pool just as we were about to put in the chlorine that day. When I went to bed, this huge frog came and sat on my belly.

Frog: Those are my children you took from the pool.

Me: really? I...

Frog: Shut up. Since you got them out of there you have to take care of them now.

Me: Why can't you do it?

Frog: I said shut up. Now, they like to eat fungi and make sure that they go to bed at no later than 8:30. Their names are Xzzy, ZandyX, PaXa, YXXXy, ...

Me: Whoa, hold up. Since I'm their new mom, I get to name them. Their names are Regis, Abed-Molech, Golga, Bethy lil', Hagousis, Josh-Josh...

While we were arguing, Vlad beat up Andrew with sharpened car parts and framed a drunk. Then I woke up.

I wouldn't have suspected anything, but I had this dream every day since I heard about his death. Once I figured it out, I got mad. Real mad.

So, with a cry of "paralellogram!", I ate an entire plastic container of Gold Medal(tm) Lemon-Pepper. With flashing lights and cheesey theme music in the background, I turned into the greatest superhero of all.

Czarina Lemon-Pepper!!!!!

Then I searched for The dispicable Vlad, for no one gets away with murdering my boyfriend. Or saying that my superhero outfit is ugly. I followed the trail of the blood of Vlad's victims until I found him. He was eating somebody's impaled burrito. I said:

Me: You'll pay for your sins, Maggot!

Vlad: How nice to see you. Would you like some tea and crumpets?

Me: That would be lovely, thank you.

I was in Vlad's control. If it weren't for my sidekick, Hamster Helena II, I would have been Vlad's slave. She, with more lights, music, Lemon-Pepper, and "Paralellogram!" became the greatest sidekick of all.

Saudas the Dragon!!!!!

She breathed the Healing-purple fire and I was restored.

I knew what I had to do. Myself and Vlad fought a bloody, bloody fight. Meanwhile, Helena set out to free Vlad's other slaves. I was about to lose the fight, because all Vlad's other slaves were computer nerds and were as weak as slugs on a salty day. I was going down. There was only one thing left to do.

I...I kissed him.

That was the only thing that could possibly work on evil so powerful. Didn't you ever see Ernest Scared Stupid(c)? Anyhow, my Lemon-Peppery breath knocked him out for 86 hours. After that, he went on trial. The verdict: Guilty. Vlad was killed with the electric chair. Now Andrew, my life's love, was avenged.

Wait a minute. Vlad was already dead. You can't kill a dead person. Oh well, I'll find a way to get him in his grave, somehow.

RIP Andrew.


Vlad's Grandchildren
simon b


he has some very sweet grandchildren who love to listen to his stories. whenever he hears the word bob,he goes hysterical and runs around the house teaching the kids words they shouldn't know. when he finally calms down, one of the grandchildren wants to know more words so he yells at the top of his puny lungs, "BOB!" somtimes vlad goes to his old ways of killing whoever opposes his word, but the carpet got stained with blood, so now he just goes on screaming rampages. I think he'll have to quit that because 600 is kinda old to be doing that.


Vlad the computer geek
The man who ate too many lima beans


I was at an all Quake 3 LAN party a few weeks ago and noticed an odd evil looking man sitting in the far corner of the room. I thought nothing of it until his character pulled out a woodend stake and started impaling people instead of shooting them. That was when I knew that Vlad the impaler had given up a life of evil, for a life of virtual evil. I see him every month at the LAN party and we get along quite well actually. He keeps on telling me about how he will reign supreme once again, or some mumbo jumbo, but I thin it is a bunch of phooey.


Vlad and the zombies
Zombie number 146386


Vlad was just sitting home one day, watching two people jumpin off cliffs on tv when an announcement came on. It said the dead were rising and wanted human brains. Vlad, angry his show was off grabbed a stake and phone. He called up his old buddies Gengis Khan and Cuban dictactor Fidel Castro to help him. They arrived shortly and armed with several guns tanks and World war two casualties(Zombies can only be the recently dead) began their assult on the zombies. The tanks ran down several hundred zombies every minute. The guns were rather effective and mowed down line after line of zombies. All of a sudden there was a giant explosion. Khan and Castro were destroyed but Vlad remained. He had dropped an A bomb and blown everything up. Vlad the walked back home to find the zombies would have died 10 minutes later because it was a mispronounced Voodoo smell that brought back the dead. For the smell needed 15 minutes to be reversed.


Vlad goes fishing
Juno


The other day, I was out and about with a few aquaintances of mine and we spotted an old-looking man fishing in a lake near my home. Normally, this would not have been strange and we would not have stopped, but considering the fact that the water in that lake was basically liquid poo and nothing could live in it, we decided to stop and tell the old man that he would catch nothing. Upon hearing this, the old man said that he was not fishing for the sport, but rather for the lifestyle and so it did not matter either way. We looked at him, and then looked at eachother and after about five minutes of silent looking, we sped off to do whatever it was we set out to do (which was to get an extra bar of deoderant for my mother's birthday party. Just in case you were curious). Now that I think of it... It probably wasn't Vlad, but you never really know, do you?


Vlad, the interior decorator
Anonymous


My house was a mess, it was positively boring. So I called an ad in the newspaper, it was entilted, "Want that old home feeling? Miss that genuine Midevil aire in your home? Call us now at, 1-888-Im-Paling." So I called the number, and in 2 hours a man appeared in my home, I was shocked! It was Vlad, in a fuschia shirt with a blue tie. Vlad came in my home and screamed, he said. "How do you live? This is the worst house I have been in! Ramon, what do you think?" When he said this, he pulled a hamster out of his shirt pocket, it too, was wearing a fushcia shirt and blue tie. It squeaked at him and then they got to work. I left my home up to them and went shopping for an hour. When I came to my home, I could not recognize it. It looked terrible! My picket fence had heads on it, my house looked like it was a torture house, iron maidens, the rack, thumbscrews on the table, the Chinese water torture chair, and many more. He gave me the bill, for some odd reason, it said 10000 gold pieces. I was outraged! I asked him why it was so much and he said it was because the neighbors weren't very willing to donate their heads to my yard.


Vlad, the Wall Mart shopper
The guy you always liked but will never date


One day as I was walking around in the grocery store. I saw none other than Vlad the Impaler. He was swearing quite loudly because they did not have hamster heads impaled upon a stick. So I followed him very carefully. He went to the canned meat section of the store and shoplifted at least thirty-five pounds of spam. As I was sneaking away I stepped on a bag of Chee-to's someone carelessly left laying on the ground. So Vlad got angry and started throwing spam at my head. I have no idea why. So I am typing this as I am running away and I do not know how long it is before he impales me. so please cccccccccccccc. In loving memory of the guy you always like but will never date.=) P.S. @:<) <-----that is Elvis


Vlad and the Sword of Slaughter
Brak


Vlad has the sword of slaughter. It is a sword that every evil guy in history has possessed with the exeption of Vlad because the world would be destroyed if he ever got possesion of it. The sword was stolen from Saddam Hussien when he was doing some literal saber rattling. Vlad jumped through the window grapped the sword and jumped back out the window. He then quickly borded an airplane that was bent for America. Seeing this he took the sword,sliced up the pilot and flew to Romania. He is now in Russia trying to sell it to some communists for 200 nuclear weapons,15 fighter jets,1345 pounds of anthrax and 1 pound of pot witch he will sell to a drug lord. All the stuff was easy exept for the weed which is still trying to be found.


Vlad meets the big bad wolf
Duh! The big bad wolf.


Okay, it was on a friday night and it was in the middle of the summer. I got so bored that I decided to hook up with my friends and hang at the park. Maybe hunt down some cats, maybe a few kids. Any way, they were all busy. So I had to go by my self. Making sure my black mini skirt was straight and my hair and make-up was perfect, I went cruising for boys. The park was quiet and the moon was full and beautiful. Then this hot shot nobody appeared and started to flirt with me. Then I got to thinking he's not so bad. So we were sitting on a bench talking and then came that romantic moment when he's about to kiss you when, as he leaned towards me he tried to bite my neck! Then I pushed him off me, stood, and then yelled a few choice words at him. He got ticked off and then stood too with his eyes looking wild and a vein pulsing in his head. Then he drawn out this wicked looking sword and started to charge me. That's when I decided it was butt whooping time. I morphed into my pretty little werewolf self and kicked that sorry, phsycho vampire's ***,(butt). The little coward ran off and didn't come back round here anymore. Never mess with the big bad wolf.



Vlad is so mean! (So what else is new?)
Scorch


Hello. My name is Scorch and I am a dragon. Not an evil dragon. Just a dragon that wishes people would not scream when they see me because I only eat animals. Anyway, you probably don't want to hear my life story so I will get to the point. I was looking though the some trees when I saw an old lady walking down the sidewalk. A guy with a black cape came and stole the poor ladie's purse. She said in a feeble way, "Help! Someone took my purse!" Then I went up to her and said " I'll get your purse back for you ma!" Of course I should of just when after him because right after I said that she fainted. She looked she had had a heart attack. There was not a hospital for miles so I carefully picked her up and flew her to some police and put her gently on the ground. The police looked freaked and they probably thought I did something much worse than it appeared. I flew away from them and went to go track down the dude that stole her purse. I found him in an ally way stuffing the lady's money into his pocket. I said " Stop right there and hand over that money , that lady's purse and whatever else you took from it." He said "What do you want with this old lady's purse? I stole it fair and square. Go get your own." Man was I mad. "For your information I came to give it back to her!" He said " Oh. So your one of those good guys. Well, that stupid old lady is gonna die soon from old age so why you just forget this ever happened." I couldn't just blow fire at him or jump on him. So I blew ice. But he put out his hand and my ice never reached him. Then, he said, " Dragon, you don't know who your dealing with. My name is Vlad and don't you dare try something like that again or I will impale you!" I said, " I don't care who you are. You have no right to take that lady's purse! My name is Scorch and I will not stop fighting until you do what I ask." He just stood there, laughing his head off. Vlad then said,"You think you can defeat me? Just try it." I flapped my wings hard,and soon he fell asleep. (if you haven't already figured it out, I can flap my wings in such a way that I can make someone go to sleep). I took the money from his pocket and grabbed the purse. Then I picked him up and though him on my back. I flew him to jail. I made a hole in the roof and dropped him in it. Then I covered the hole with a big rock. After that I flew to the nearest hospital and turned invisible. I went in and looked for the lady. I ghosted through her room and put the money back in her purse and put it on the bed. Then I ghosted back through the wall left the hospital. As soon as I was out of sight I turned visible and flew home. That was enough for me today.


The horrible-ly hard to logically understand Death of Vlad
The Evil Minion of Anonymous's Evil Twin


Vlad died last week and I have proof (my local toothfairy told me, after I had 5 of my teeth knocked out by bloodthirsty aquatic sea-squirrels).

Here is the HORRIBLE tale.

Upon death Vlad found himself on the edge of a GIANT CHESS SET. A very strange voice that invoked fear in the hearts of many small insects, announced,
"Beat me in chess and I will grant you eternal life!"
Vlad must have looked confused because the voice continued, "WHY? WHY YOU ASK!? I AM SO BORED! BORED! No, UNDEAD HAMSTERS WITH AMAZING POWERS do not NEED anything to cheer up... AW JUST GET ON WITH IT."

Vlad, saw the perfect play. He strode over to the row of the opposite teams royalty and impaled them.

Thus Vlad was granted ETERNAL LIFE by the UN-DEAD HAMSTER OF KNOWLEDGE. He had to sign a contract first, but skipped the fine print, although he noticed a picture of Super Lemming, defender of the tundra!

Death had tired Vlad out, so he hid in caves, underwater, and in dumpsters outside of the Cheese And Not Much More Resturant for, uhh, quite a long time. Finally, he came out of hiding because there was a special liquidation sale at the Long Pointy Sharp Pain-Inflicting Stuff Inc. shop.

As soon as he got out of the dumpster he called home, he realized that his skin was rotting. So he built a cocoon and through the wonders of metamorphisis turned into THE EVIL SORCERER PENGUIN OF DARKNESS. But his metamorphisis costed him all of his remaining money (50 cents, he got a metamorping ring in a quarter machine at Dangerousway Grocery Store). Vlad needed a job. Badly. So he looked in the classified section in the newspaper and found a spell to turn an ordinary turkey into gold, and an ordinary block of gold into cheese. But both of those spells costed money. So in frustration he crumpled up the newspaper. The newspaper was made from plants found on the tundra.

In Super Lemming's burrow, he recieved a distress signal from a Tundra plant in disress. So he flew all the way to where Vlad was (I forget where exactly) and shot lazers out of his eyes, Frying poor Vlad.

Now I know what you are thinking, How could Vlad die if he had eternal life? Well, the UN-DEAD HAMSTER OF KNOWLEDGE was good friends with Super Lemming, so the hamster made no attempts to help Vlad if he was punished for hurting the tundra.

Thats all I know about Vlad the Impaler...




Vlad, the Poodle
Owner of Vlad, the Poodle


If I am not mistaken, my poodle, FuFu, is really, truthfully, in fact, Vlad the Impaler. Let me explain.

First of all, my poodle has, several times, tried to impale me with bone fragments (dug up from the yard) and barks everytime a German passes by...I don't understand it, or at least I didn't, until now.

Vlad makes a wonderful watchdog, though. He will bite off the ear of anybody you know (even you), and even those you don't. (Yes, FuFu has some characteristics that don't match Vlad. So?)

But FuFu, err, Vlad, talks. TALKS. Yes, FuFu the poodle AKA Vlad the Impaler, TALKS. He commands me over and over, and if I don't remove my turban he nails it to my head. Err, yeah. Something like that.

In any case, if you would like more information on FuFu, or maybe a picture, e-mail me at Rune_Master_Magician@Yahoo.com
Yes, this is my real, actual, bonafide address.



Vlad is in a vacuum-sealed food container can thing
I smell the smelly smell of a certain smell that smells smelly...


One day, I was watching Monty Python, and I got hungry. So I went to the fridge and saw what was in it. At the very back, next to Diced SQUID21 was Canned Vlad the Impaler (best thing since sliced)! I looked at the can and it said on the side, in small letters, "Warning: Sure to cause instant death and impalement. Enjoy!"
So I panicked and threw it away. It will go to the dump, where it may be found again by the supermarkets, and if they do, they will probably try to sell it again, so if you eat canned tuna, read the labels before you open it!


Vlad is someone in this very room...*stare* *gape*
Never eat soggy woffulls


We are all called here today to solve the mistery of the two armed man who has been murdered.I know the murderer is vlad, however it is hard to covict a person who think murdered some two armed man when you know who it is but don't know exactly what he/she looks like. I KNOW IT'S VLAD!How do I know this you ask? Well I'll tell you how I know this.He left a note on the end of a large spear! Sneaky little coward!Which one of us is Vlad! How am I supposed to do my job when Vlad is most definately in theis room, but I don't know which one of you is Vlad. Speak up now so I can send you to prison!



vlad vs. me, 2 starwars geeks, and a player
Anonymous


ok, one day me(the short guy wid da impenetrable helmet),the starwars geeks, and a pimp were walking in doomed falls, new victimsville when we saw vlad. he was pointing his spear in the air as some idiot fell of doomed falls in a barrel. he impaled the guy and the starwars geeks attacked him. they took out custom lihgtsabers and fought against his spear. a 1 inch tv appeared and was showing starwars episode 1, but it was silent. while fighting with vlad, they talked and made the sound effects from the movie.one of themwas impaled by vlad and the other one went "NOOOOOOOO!!!" at the same time obi-wan did in the movie.
the pimp ordered his chicks to attack with pom-poms and i charged at vlad with my impenetrable helmet. the chiks got impaled at lighting speed but vlad stabbed over me. i went off the ground head first and spiraled.energy came to my enchanted helmet and i slammed into him.he flew back but landed perfectly.he charged for ward but i blocked his spear with my helmet. the remaining starwars geek shouted starwars trivia questions at vlad and he got confused, he pimp attacked with a cane and top hat.vlad blocked the pimp, threw a resreve spear at the geek, and tried to kick me. i jumped and landed on him helmet first. he was vaporized and turned into a starwars nerd.the pimp resurected his chicks and left, i gained 77 exp and leveled up.


Vlad: the teacher
Meg


Me. Vlad was the teacher at my school for 3 years until i graduated and i haven't seen him since then...he would at times be very nice and then down right mean...but that was just Mr. Vlad...he only wore three things shorts, big shirt, and sandlas all through my years of knowing him..i haven't seen him but I heard he was somewhere in Kansas as a bus driver for a school and sometimes for trips at greyhound!


A Vlad for all Seasons
Shurlee Meshow


Vlad. A man. A mystery. A way of life for thousands across the world. Some say that Vlad is dead. Still others say he is alive. Many claim that, even if he weren't confirmed dead in battle, he would be dead from old age. But would he? Hmmm...

Vlad is the root of all evil! I swear it is true! The Magical Penguins told me so! Oh, sure, give me that look. Call me crazy. You're just jealous because the Magical Penguins chose to speak through me! Vlad is the leader of a secret underground ring of Evil Elves. They cause every problem in the world. They're why you forget to do your homeowork. They're why your best friend consistently beats you in basketball. With their Carnie sidekicks and their copious amounts of evil cheesecake they will destroy this world! But wait... Glimmering, far off in the distance there's hope! There is light at the end of the tunnel! What is it? Magical Penguins! They are all we have left! The little thingies on the ends of shoelaces are the only source of power they have! Don't let yours break! LIVE FOR HORSERADISH SAUCE!!!!!
*Author suffers debilitating brain embolism and spends last remaining days happily hooked up to intravenous machines and blathering on and on about the Hampster Rebellion of 1805*


Vlad taken hostage
Bennett


The other day there was a siege on a small corner store. I later learned that Vlad was the shop clerk who was being held against his will. The police battled frantically to figure out how to load there guns. Then Vlad, out of the blue, shoulder barged the gunman to the floor, and made a daring escape out the back door. Unfortunately nobody has seen him since!!!